Watching the Horizon
by Erika
Summary: Sirius thinks he knows what the curse of being a werewolf entails. Every full moon Remus transforms into a wolf and is stripped of human reason. But what if there’s more to it than he realizes? And what if it’s worse than Sirius could have imagined?
1. Prologue

Hi! Again, as with the last few stories I posted, this was written _before_ HBP was published so things might not line up with the last two books. Also, though this is sort of a sequel to "The Calm" you _don't_ need to read that story and there's a time lapse between them (sorry to anyone who was hoping I'd pick up right where I left off).

This story _is_ complete and I will post a part a week until it's all online. It's nine parts plus the prologue and epilogue. Today I'm posting both the Prologue and Part One since the Prologue is rather short. Please note the story takes a little to really get going so please give it to the end of Chapter One before deciding whether to keep reading it or not. Thanks!

**Title:** Watching the Horizon

**Author:** Erika ()

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** Sirius thinks he knows exactly what the curse of being a werewolf entails. Every month there's a full moon and during that full moon, Remus transforms into a wolf and is stripped of all human reason. But what if there's more to it than most people realize? And what if it's worse than Sirius could have imagined?

**Timeframe:** Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter are seventh-years.

**Spoilers:** For PoA

**Category:** Angst (trust me, this is seriously not a happy story), POV.

**Disclaimers:** Hogwarts and all of its characters belong to JK Rowling, I'm only borrowing them to have a little fun and I promise to return them unharmed (well, at least mostly unharmed =0). I'm making no money from this and this is written for entertainment purposes only. Any characters that are not recognizable as being part of the HP universe belong to me, but you guys probably figured that out, right?

**Feedback:** Both positive feedback and _constructive_ criticism are greatly appreciated and will be cherished!

**Archive:** Please ask first. =)

**My Website: **

**Author's Note: **This is a sequel to the story "The Calm" (it takes place a couple weeks later) but it also stands alone. To understand all the references, you'd have to have read the aforementioned prequel, "Moonlit Perdition," the "Absolution" series, and "Injustice For All." However, I've tried my best to explain everything you need to know for this story. If you have specific questions, feel free to e-mail me!

Things enclosed in 's are _italic_

**Watching the Horizon**

**~Prologue~**

**Sirius:**

Everything was quiet when I entered the dormitory. James and Peter were waiting for me on the Quidditch field and Remus was probably in the library, studying. Immediately, I crossed the room and began searching through the pile of things at the foot of Prongs' bed. He needed the most recent issue of Quidditch Pro. It diagramed a new play that he wanted to try out during practice.

Shoveling through his haphazardly strewn clothes, I came across a stack of class books. I'd seen James looking through the magazine in Potions so it was probably tucked into the pages of his textbook… Yes! There it was. Hastily, I grabbed it and jumped to my feet. I was about to leave the room when I caught sight of an indistinct figure out of the corner of my eye.

Startled to find that someone else was here, I spun to face whoever it was.

Remus! He was standing in front of the window with his back facing me. I hadn't seen him before because he was completely motionless and I had been in a hurry. I was about to ask him if he wanted to join us on the Quidditch field when it occurred to me how unusual this situation was. It was daytime. Though Moony quite often stared in morose silence out the window he was always resignedly tracking the waxing of the moon.

Was something wrong?

"What are you doing?" I asked concernedly, wondering if he was all right.

Remus didn't immediately answer, nor did he turn to look at me or otherwise acknowledge my presence. I was beginning to wonder if he'd heard me at all when finally, he spoke, tone indecipherable and nearly inaudible. "I'm watching the horizon."

I didn't understand. "What are you looking for?"

Still, my friend did not move. "Have you ever heard of Banshee Vipers?" He didn't wait for me to respond. He knew I hadn't. "They're indigenous to Africa. They're extremely large birds of prey – some can actually reach dragon size. They get their name from the shape of their head, which resembles that of a viper, and from the wailing sound they make as they fly over their prey. The sound is so painful that humans immediately pass out. Some even die."

"Sound pretty dangerous," I commented. I didn't know what this had to do with 'watching the horizon' but was sure that Remus would explain in his own way.

"They are," he agreed. "Fortunately, they usually avoid humans and never travel in flocks unless they sense a storm forming. When they do, hundreds of them will gather and fly ahead of the approaching storm, _screeching_ so loudly that they can be heard from miles away. The cry of that many Banshee Vipers is fatal." Remus fell silent.

I took half a step forward. This conversation was very…unsettling but I could not say why. Where was he going with all of this?

"When my uncle first began working in Africa, it was in the region where they are the most common," he continued almost tiredly. His uncle studied the possible existence of supposedly mythical creatures. "He constantly had to be on the lookout for them. Every morning, he would wake up and watch the horizon for signs of their approach. Every night, it was the last thing he did before going to sleep. The first time he saw them he didn't immediately realize what was happening. It was like a great cloud had fallen over the land."

Cold prickles covered my skin as I finally understood what Remus was referring to. "You're watching for Banshee Vipers?" I murmured, voice strangled.

"I'm watching for signs of the approaching storm."

I barely heard his words. My own thoughts and emotions were too overwhelming. Our first six years at Hogwarts had been so…carefree. Yes, things in the Wizarding world had constantly been worsening but for the most part the increasing disappearances had been easy to ignore while at school. It was strange how quickly things changed. Voldemort. He was gaining power. Every day, more and more people were turning to his cause. Every day, more and more people were turning up dead. Or not turning up at all.

Few were talking about it – fear was a powerful weapon – but it was obvious how much of a threat he posed. Too obvious to disregard. I wasn't sure exactly what the future held but I knew that it was something so terrible it was beyond my ability to imagine. It was something more horrible than Remus almost being executed when Evelyn Milay – a Hogwarts student – had been killed by a werewolf. It was something more horrible than James being hit in the head by a Bludger and nearly dying. An unshakable foreboding left no doubt in my mind. A storm was coming. Soon, we'd see the real warnings. Soon, we'd see the _Banshee Vipers_.

The entire Wizarding world was teetering on the brink of a precipice and yet there was a sick certainty that I felt in the depths of my heart. It told me that this approaching tempest would strike very close to me. I felt it in the quiet moments, moments I spent with my friends when no one was saying or doing anything of consequence. Sometimes I'd look at James or Remus or at James and Lily and I'd know…everything was going to shatter. I would know that somehow it was related to Voldemort, somehow it was related to the shadows that were descending over us all, though I didn't know _how_.

When the moments of certainty passed I'd be left with only confusion. What was I really worried about? Dark wizards? Voldemort? My friends? What storm was I waiting for? One that'd strike the entire Wizarding world or one that would only strike the Marauders? Or was it _one_ storm that would encompass both? The moments of certainty told me it was both but the hours that followed those moments left me wondering. In the end I knew only one thing. The entire Wizarding world was teetering on the brink of a precipice. What would happen when it fell and why did I feel that my friends and I would be standing under it when it did?

Abruptly I realized that my grip on the magazine had tightened to the point where I was wrinkling the pages. Swallowing, I forced my hands to relax. When I raised my head I saw that Remus had turned to study me. Our gazes locked first in uneasy assessment and then in shared understanding. "Let me know if you see it coming," I requested weakly.

He nodded.


	2. Part One

**~Part One~**

"Did you see their faces?" I asked James, laughing. "They couldn't have looked more surprised if you'd sprouted wings!"

"I thought Snape was going to have a heart attack!" Prongs exclaimed as we entered the dormitory, followed closely by a chortling Peter.

"I think next time you should–" My words were cut short when James unexpectedly came to a complete stop, causing me to walk directly into him.

"Oi!" I protested. "What are you doing?"

James did not respond. When I moved to stand beside him I saw that his amusement had faded. Instead, he seemed overtly and extremely concerned, if not alarmed. Immediately, I followed his gaze. He was looking at Remus.

I felt a dull pang in my heart.

In our seven years of friendship, I'd see Remus endure a lot. I'd seen him happy, angry, hurt, sad, and in pain. I'd seen him feeling or suppressing countless combinations of emotions I couldn't list or remember. I'd seen him in such anguish that it had been hard for me to bear. But I'd never seen him like this.

Remus was sitting on his bed holding a piece of parchment in his lap. His eyes were fixed downward but even without being able to see them clearly I was struck by the depth of distress they contained. I couldn't even describe the emotion that pooled in them. It was a cross between despair and grief but it was also so much more than that.

Sharing a worried look with James, I slowly crossed the room and came to stand in front of Remus. He didn't acknowledge my presence and I didn't immediately speak either. For a few moments, I simply studied him. I wanted to gain an idea of what might have happened but I was only able to focus on one image, an image that seemed to pierce a hole in me though I could not have said why. His hands… They were shaking, a constant movement made obvious by the fluttering of the parchment.

"Remus," I addressed him so softly that my voice was barely more than a puff of breath against my lips.

My friend didn't look at me. He merely extended his arm and held out the parchment.

Hesitantly, I took it. It was a letter from his uncle. Clearing my throat, I began reading it aloud so that James and Peter could hear as well.

"Remus,

There is no easy way to begin this letter. There is no easy way to say this. I wish that with the eloquence of language I could soften the blow but I haven't the words. I suppose that all I can do is tell you what happened and hope that you can bear it with the same strength that you have shown time and time again in your short but difficult life.

Yesterday morning the Healers finally allowed your mum to bring Grams home from the hospital. Grams, we were told, was strong enough to Apparate alone but your mum wanted to accompany her and make sure everything went well. After checking out from the hospital, they Apparated together. Apparently, an underage wizard was attempting to Apparate at the very same time. As you are well aware, Apparation can be very dangerous when one is not properly trained. In short, there was an accident. The wizard collided mid-Apparation with your mum and Grams. I'm afraid that no one survived the–"

My voice abruptly died and I found myself unable to read more. Oh, Remus. His grandmother had been sick for quite some time now and, quite frankly, he had been expecting her to pass away. His _mum_, though… He loved her dearly. They had a bond unlike any other. Even James and his wonderful parents weren't as close as Remus and his mum were…had been.

I carefully placed the letter on Remus' nightstand and sat down next to him on his bed. I wanted to help him so badly but I had no idea what to do or say. His mum and grandmother were _dead_. What was I _supposed_ to do or say in the face of that?

Remus turned his head to look at me. His eyes held a question, a question that couldn't be expressed in words but that something inside me understood anyway. It spoke of his pain and disbelief and his sheer inability to understand. He couldn't grasp what had happened. He knew it was true but could not comprehend the _how_ or _why_. He was lost. He was _so_ lost. And who could blame him?

Vaguely, I was aware of James sitting opposite me on the other side of Remus and Peter taking up a spot in front of us on the floor. I kept my focus on Remus. He did not acknowledge their silent support though I knew he was grateful for it.

"Siri…?" he murmured thickly, sounding painfully like a small child.

"Shh," I quieted him. "You don't need to say anything."

His eyes were wide and almost unblinking. They seemed to cling to me as if the visual contact between us could keep him afloat. His lips parted, forming silent half-words as he struggled to verbalize even a small fragment of what he was feeling. "Are these the Banshee Vipers?" he finally asked beseechingly, pleading for answers and reassurances I couldn't give.

I shook my head helplessly and didn't respond. I wanted to say 'yes' because if I said 'no' it meant that what we were waiting for was somehow so much worse. I couldn't say it, though. I couldn't because I knew it wasn't true. The tempest was coming; I doubted that any of the horrible things that had happened recently even compared to what was still in store.

Knowing I couldn't put my thoughts into words, especially not words that would hold any meaning for Remus, I placed a single hand over his. They were still trembling and I was struck by how cold they were.

* * *

Suppressing a yawn, I glanced at the timepiece again. It had been ten hours. Where was he? He'd only let us sit with him for a few minutes before saying he wanted time alone, grabbing the Map, and promptly leaving the dormitory. Obviously, more than understandably, he needed to sort things out. I was just…worried about him. I wanted to know if he was all right or if there was anything I could do…

"Sirius?" James rumbled sleepily from his bed, peering at me through the semi-darkness.

"Yeah?" I yawned again, rubbing my eyes.

"He's still gone?"

"Yeah."

There was a long pause before his answer came, long enough for me to think he had drifted off to sleep again. "What time is it?"

I sighed. "Two."

James hesitated again. This time I knew he was considering how best to put whatever he wanted to tell me. Probably something along the lines of Remus being able to take care of himself and that he might not want my persistent hovering concern. When he finally did speak it wasn't what I expected. "Goodnight, Sirius."

I frowned, surprised. That obviously wasn't what he wanted to say but I was grateful. At two o'clock in the morning I really wasn't in the mood to have a conversation about my not knowing when to give people space – specifically Remus, who so often enjoyed his solitude.

"Goodnight, Prongs." I replied quietly, certain that he was already asleep and wouldn't hear me.

* * *

The sound of the door creaking open surprised me even though I had been expecting Remus to return for ages. I'd long since extinguished the single candle I'd had burning for most of the night so I could barely make him out as he crept into the dormitory. Silently, he approached his bed.

Even in the darkness he seemed to sense my eyes following him because he came to a stop in the center of the room and turned towards me. "Sirius?" he whispered questioningly.

"Remus," I acknowledged, suddenly feeling like an idiot. Why had I waited up for him? What had I been planning to say? James was right. I should have just gone to sleep and seen how he was doing in the morning. He didn't need my nagging concern.

He stood there for what seemed like nearly ten minutes but in reality was probably no more than one or two. "You don't have to worry about me, Sirius," he assured, tone containing none of the uncertainty from earlier. "I'm doing better."

He _sounded_ better and I wanted to believe him. I knew him, though. I knew that after so many years of living as a werewolf he had a definite ability to control his emotions, to appear calm when he was really falling to pieces.

Was he falling to pieces now?

Remus finally continued towards his bed. After shuffling about and presumably changing into his pajamas, he lie down. I heard the mattress shift several times as he searched for a comfortable position but then everything went completely still.

I remained as I was, leaning against the headboard and staring through the darkness towards Remus' bed. I wasn't certain what I was waiting for but I couldn't seem to calm my thoughts. This year had been full of so many terrible things. Remus being arrested for murder… James' two days in a coma… Remus' grandmother and mum dying in a horrible accident…

What made it so much worse was the horrible foreboding that both Moony and I shared. I couldn't imagine how he was feeling now. When James had been on the verge of death my constant apprehension had combined with my worry and fear. I had felt as if the ground was crumbling beneath my feet and that at any moment I would fall. Did Remus feel that he already was tumbling through the dark or was he somehow still holding on?

"Thank you, Padfoot," Remus murmured so quietly I almost thought I'd imagined it.

"You're welcome." I didn't ask what he was referring to, I already knew.

* * *

"I'm telling you that something's wrong," I repeated stubbornly, annoyed that James was being so…obtuse.

"Of course something's wrong!" Prongs sounded equally exasperated. "His grandmother and mum are dead!"

"That's precisely my point!" I dropped my class books on my bed, not caring that one of them fell to the floor. "His grandmother and mum were killed in and besides the very first night when we found him in here, he hasn't shown any signs of grieving _at all_."

James sighed and shook his head. "Padfoot…Sirius. I know he usually talks to you about things that are bothering him but what happened is…huge. Maybe he needs to work it out privately, on his own. This just may be his way of dealing. "

"No," I disagreed emphatically. "It's his way of _not_ dealing."

"How do you know that? Just because _we_ haven't seen him–" he stopped abruptly when the dormitory door opened and Remus entered.

Less than inconspicuously, we both turned to watch him.

"Is something wrong?" He almost sounded amused and I had to fight a frown.

James shook his head but I persisted. "We were just wondering… We wanted to know if you're doing okay."

Remus gave us a small half-smile as he settled onto his bed to study. "I _am_ doing okay," he nodded, glancing at Prongs but focusing his attention on me. His face was serious and reassuring but his eyes were unreadable.

I studied him skeptically. It had been three _days_ since his uncle had written him with the news. We were supposed to believe that in that time he'd managed to just _get over_ what had happened?

I understood why he was doing this. It was easier. Pretending that he was dealing was easier than actually facing all his grief and anger. It wasn't healthier though.

"Sirius," he continued, seeing my disbelief. "I'll be fine. She was my mum and I'll always miss her but…" he shrugged. "Everyone has their time."

Nodding, I glanced at James and caught his gaze. This time I could tell he shared my concerns. This wasn't Moony grieving on the inside while putting up a brave front. This was Remus _refusing_ to grieve. For Merlin's sake, he had showed more emotion and sadness in the months following the Prank than he was now!

Remus wasn't always the simplest person to read. Usually, if something was truly troubling him he'd confide in me. Sometimes he wouldn't, though. Sometimes he'd hide behind a mask. But that mask always cracked. It was obvious when something was wrong if I looked hard enough, watched him closely enough. I could always see through the charade, even if it was only in occasional glimpses. This was different. He wasn't miserable and pretending otherwise. He wasn't miserable. He wasn't anything at all.

* * *

I didn't speak when Remus entered the dormitory and let his books and various class notes fall to bed. I was past the point of knowing what to say. I was past the point of knowing what to do. I wasn't Dumbledore. I wasn't a school counselor. I wasn't even a Muggle 'shrink,' I had no idea how to break through the wall that Remus was hiding behind. I had no idea how to get him to grieve. I only knew that he had to.

"I'm going for a walk," he informed me tiredly. Without looking at me or waiting for any sort of reply, he left the room.

Sighing, I shook my head and returned to my Potions essay. It was due tomorrow morning and I still had a couple of paragraphs left to write. Normally I'd have finished it be–

"He failed the test," Peter announced abruptly, startling me.

Frowning, I met his gaze from across the room. He was sitting cross-legged on his bed with a blank piece of parchment in front of him. Obviously, he hadn't even started his essay.

"Remus," he elaborated. "He failed the Defense Against the Dark Arts exam. I saw when they were handed back today."

Concerned, I slipped off my bed and came to stand in front of Remus'. He'd left all his things there. Hesitating only momentarily, I flipped through his class papers until I came across the exam that Peter was talking about. His answers were all marked in red ink and at the top of the page was his score. He'd missed nearly eighty percent of the questions. Right next to the grade was a small note from the Professor: "Remus, please see me after class."

Silently, I returned the test to where it had been and organized all of Remus' books and other papers so that he wouldn't notice anyone had gone through them. Remus' best subject was Defense Against the Dark Arts. It always had been. He truly enjoyed it, loved it even. If he was doing poorly in his favorite class he was probably doing worse in all of his other ones.

The thought was both troubling and, to be quite honest, a slight relief. It was hard not to feel a little pressure ease away at the thought that Remus wasn't entirely succeeding in keeping up his pretense that everything was all right. This had to mean that he wasn't completely suppressing all of his emotions. And, on top of that, if one of our professors had noticed something amiss then maybe she'd talk to Dumbledore about getting Remus some help.

"Sirius!" James pulled my attention away from our werewolf friend when he came running into the dormitory. "There's still a good two hours before it gets dark. Fancy keeping me company while I practice some new Quidditch moves?"

I glanced back towards the unfinished Potions essay that I'd left on my bed. I'd have more than enough time to write those last couple of paragraphs later tonight. "Sure," I agreed, following Prongs out of the room.

* * *

It was a quiet evening. I was surprised that hardly anyone was to be found outside the castle. Sure, it was a little cold but that was no reason for everyone to disappear indoors. James and I had nearly made it all the way to the Quidditch field without spotting anyone. Even then, it had only been a small group of younger Slytherins – my brother included. They'd been standing by the lake, talking quietly.

Regulus had looked at me as James and I strolled past by but hadn't said anything. He never did. Even when we had shared the same residence for summer breaks he'd preferred ignoring my existence to admitting that he actually had a brother who sided with Muggle-borns. I tried not to let it bother me but he was my brother and we'd been quite close when we were little. It was hard to be confronted with how much he despised me; it was hard to know that he'd inherited so many of our parents' bigoted views. Sometimes it was difficult for me forget how much we'd once cared for one another. For as much as I hated my parents, it was so much harder to hate him.

Fortunately, I'd felt no more than a passing sadness when he'd observed me with cold, disdainful eyes, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. I had James, Remus, Peter, and now Lily. _They_ were the only family that I needed. They – especially my fellow Marauders – had proven time and time again that they were there for me, that I could depend on them, and that I could trust them, always.

"Sirius!?" James pulled me back to reality. "Are you with me?"

Smiling, I turned my attention back to him. "Er…no. Sorry, mate."

He rolled his eyes but happily repeated himself. "Lily wants us to write our own vows. I just…have no idea what to say. I don't want to make a fool of myself."

Grinning, I shook my head. The wedding. Of course it'd been about the wedding. What else? "Sorry, mate. Don't know how this wedding ceremony's gonna turn out but it'll be a miracle if you don't find a way to make a fool of yourself. Lily'd say it's in your blood."

Laughing, I dodged James' playful punch as we continued on our way.

* * *

It was nearly dark when James and I left the Quidditch field and began making our way towards the castle. Shivering slightly, I rubbed my hands together. James was still sweaty from having flown all across the field but the wind was picking up and I was a bit chilly.

"Lily and I are gonna meet up for lunch this Saturday at Hogsmeade," Prongs was saying as we hurried back. "We'd like you to join us. There's something we want to ask you about the wedding."

I turned my head to watch Prongs. The wedding. It was scheduled for just after graduation, an event that really wasn't that far in the future. Somehow, though, it seemed like it belonged in another reality, another more distant section of our lives. I couldn't explain it. Not really. I was insanely happy for the both of them but at the same time I found myself unable to truly _feel_ that joy. Things were just so…different now. Everything was turning so dark.

James was playing with a Snitch. He kept releasing it, letting it fly a few inches in front of us, and catching it again. What before had been a way of attracting people's attention and showing off had now simply become a habit, a meaningless diversion. It was strange how much we'd all changed in the last few years.

Finding my lack of response unusual, my best mate finally shifted to look at me. I knew he was about to ask if something was wrong and, not wanting to explain any of the things that were bothering me, I cut him off before he was able to.

"I'll be there." I flashed him a grin. "Honestly, James, it's getting to be so that we can't do anything without having to plan something for that wedding of yours."

He didn't smile. He was appraising me with concern in his eyes. The scrutiny distracted him to such an extent that when he mechanically released the Snitch he did not immediately catch it. He did not, in fact, even try. It was not until it had disappeared into a patch of trees that stood ahead of us that he turned his attention away from me and chased after it. It was a fruitless endeavor. I knew he'd finally lost the bloody thing but I didn't say anything.

Silently, I continued walking forward at the same pace. What was wrong with me? Why did I go through each day as if there was some sort of thick vapor hanging over me? Why couldn't I just forget all of the things that were going on in the Wizarding world, forget the feeling that time was running short for my friends and me, and enjoy my last few months at Hogwarts? They were, after all, my last few months of real freedom. Before long I'd be plunged headlong into a sea of adult responsibilities, including having to deal with the approaching and seemingly inevitable confrontation with Voldemort.

My thoughts abruptly stilled. An inexplicable tightening in my chest told me that something wasn't right. Everything was quiet. Aside from the wind and the rattling of tree branches, I couldn't hear anything. But still… It was more like the quiet moments before the lighting struck than it was like the calm that followed sunset. I swallowed. Something was definitely wrong.

Quickening my pace, I entered the patch of trees. It was colder here than in the rapidly fading last rays of sunlight but the goose bumps that broke out on my arms were a response to something else entirely. I was undeniably but unaccountably nervous.

James was nowhere to be seen. Was he all right? Could something have happened to him? It didn't seem likely but there _was_ something that made my heart beat faster. I was about to call out to him, ask if everything was all right, when his suddenly frantic voice spurred me into action. "Sirius!" he screamed from somewhere ahead of me. "_Sirius_!!"

I faltered uneasily. He sounded…_frightened_.

Instinctively pulling out my wand, I broke into a sprint. I had only run for a few moments when I made out his form in the ever-increasing obscurity. He appeared to be alone. Or maybe not… He was kneeling on the ground a few paces ahead of me, leaning over something.

Frowning, I slowed my pace. What in the world–? I couldn't quite make it out but… There seemed to be a figure lying next to him. A large animal of some sort? A dog? I couldn't tell from here. It was too dark. Whatever it was wasn't moving. At all.

Turning his head, James caught sight of me. "Sirius!" he motioned me forward, almost panicked.

I hurried to where he was crouching. "What's wro–?" The words died somewhere in my throat. Oh, Sweet Merlin. James wasn't leaning over _something_, he was leaning over _someone_. A person who looked as if he'd been beaten within an inch of his life.

There was so much blood and grime that I could barely tell it was a bloke. I couldn't even begin to make out his age or features. Whoever it was, he was huddled into a near fetal position, chest rising and falling unsteadily. A very slight wheeze accompanied his erratic breathing, as well as a small shudder that wracked his body whenever he inhaled.

He was alive, but only barely.

The victim of what must have been a brutal assault, the person's face was covered in bruises, cuts, welts, and a sheen of dark crimson that seeped out from a wound hidden by his hair. Half of his visible skin seemed to be turning purplish-blue. His lips and lower jaw were beginning to swell and his hair was plastered by blood to his face, obscuring his eyes. Even his clothes were torn and marred by large patches of mud stained red with–

A painful pang in my chest made it difficult to breathe. I recognized the colors of his robes. He was a Hogwarts student. The thought that I might be familiar with this person had never crossed my mind but…he was in Gryffindor. Oh Lord. Who could have done this? Who would have done this to a boy, to a–?

The total stillness was broken by a low whine that I abruptly realized I myself was making. I knew who this was. I knew. I simply knew. I didn't have to clean away the blood to see his features. I didn't have to do anything at all but I did. With a trembling hand, with cold fingers, I jerkingly brushed aside the hair, feeling the sticky warmth of blood against my flesh.

The skin of his forehead was torn and abraded by splinters, as if someone had taken him and smashed his head against the rough bark of a tree, and his eyes were inflamed and clenched shut but it didn't matter. I didn't have to see the sad emerald orbs or the worried creasing of his brow. I'd seen enough. I'd seen the small scar on his temple, the one he'd had since Christmas last year, the one that'd never heal. The one that I'd unintentionally given him when he'd attacked me during a rather brutal full moon.

Oh my God.

Oh God.

Gagging and covering my mouth with my hand, I stumbled back without meaning to. Why? Why was this happening? How could this have happened? I didn't… I didn't understand. He was…beaten nearly past the point of recognition. There was so much blood. He looked so small. He looked– Oh God. Oh God. I felt sick. I felt like throwing up.

Oh God.


	3. Part Two

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the prologue and part one – it's always great to see that people are enjoying my writing. :)

Also, I just realized that ff.n has been removing my part/scene divisions when I upload my files. I'm sorry if that's caused the story to be more difficult to read. I've added them back into this part and will fix part one this weekend.

On to part two…

**~Part Two~**

"Sirius!" James cried urgently, "We need to get him to Madam Pomfrey!"

I nodded dumbly but didn't move from where I'd fallen. I'd seen Remus in pretty bad shape several times. It came with the territory of being good friends with a werewolf. After transformations during which he'd nearly killed himself, I'd seen him with bites, fang marks, and shockingly deep gashes. It had always been horrible. But _this_… This was something entirely different. Someone had done this to him. Someone had _done this to him_.

_Who_!? _Who_ was responsible for this? What inhuman monster could have done this? If I knew what lowlife animal had brutalized my friend I'd–

"Now, Sirius!" James prompted, climbing to his feet and pulling out his wand. Moments later he'd muttered a charm and Remus was floating a few feet in the air.

Finally nodding, I forced myself to quell my growing anger and say something. "You bring him back to the castle. I'll run ahead and warn Mrs. Pomfrey." I didn't even wait for James to respond. Instead, I sprinted through the trees as fast as I could. The truth was that I couldn't stand to look at Remus' broken body any longer.

* * *

James arrived in the hospital wing with Remus at nearly the same moment that Dumbledore, having been summoned by the nurse, came rushing in. "What happened?" the Headmaster asked immediately, staring sadly down at my miserable friend through his half-moon spectacles.

"Put him here," Madam Pomfrey instructed hurriedly, motioning towards one of the many beds that filled the room.

James quickly did as instructed. As soon as Remus was resting on the indicated bed, Prongs ended his Levitation Charm and I rushed over to stand beside our supine friend. In the bright light of the infirmary I immediately noticed the sickly tint his skin had taken but didn't have enough time to make any other observations as the nurse insistently pushed me out of the way so that she could begin her own examination.

"You three," she ordered briskly, "Out."

I opened my mouth to protest but she stopped me. "As soon as I determine his condition I'll let you know." Then she sighed and looked at James and me in turn. "The best thing you can do for your friend right now is give me space to work."

Reluctantly, I followed James and Dumbledore out into the waiting room. There were many comfortable chairs in which to sit but all three of us remained standing. After a few moments of silence the Headmaster questioned us again, his voice grave. "What happened?"

James was the one who answered, sounding small and choked. "I found him like that." The fact that we didn't know who was responsible went without saying.

Those were the only words we exchanged. Almost as soon as they were spoken I began pacing the room. I couldn't just sit here. I couldn't just stand here. My thoughts would not still and neither would my body. How had this happened? Who had done this to him? This was _Hogwarts_! It was supposed to be safe! It was supposed to be isolated from the turmoil of the outside world! It was supposed to be– I wasn't even sure what it was supposed to be. It just wasn't supposed to be like this.

I shook my head. How could anyone have done this to Remus? The more I asked myself that question the angrier I became. What was wrong with people that they could do something like this? They had nearly killed him! Why? Because he was a werewolf? Because he had Muggle blood? Or had there even been a reason at all?

I nearly scoffed at the idea. Reason? _Reason_? No conceivable 'reason' could justify this. No person that was at all _human_, no person that had any amount of compassion or decency, could have done this. No. The 'reason' didn't matter. Finding out who had done this _did_. Because whoever it was needed to pay for their misdeed.

Damn it! I just didn't understand! A person didn't just do something like this! A person didn't just _beat_ another person until he was barely recognizable, until he was barely breathing, until he was barely living…

Oh God.

Remus.

My feet suddenly and resolutely refused to cooperate, bringing me to a complete stand-still. This was so eerily familiar that it was almost surreal. Not so long ago I'd been in another hospital, waiting on news for another friend… Waiting for hours. Just waiting. It was horrible, having to wait. It was horrible not knowing. It'd taken them _so long_ to tell us. It'd taken them so long to determine whether James was going to live or die. And all the while I hadn't been able to stop thinking, hadn't been able to stop worrying that somehow it was all just going to get worse, that somehow it was all just going to fall apart.

And now… James was fine. He'd recovered and he was fine. But then Remus' mum and grandmother had died… And now Remus himself had been…brutally assaulted. When was it going to end? Bad things always happened, of course, but why were they all happening now? Why did everything have to be going wrong at the same time? And how could it be that everything was going to hell but that this still wasn't what I was worried about, still wasn't the storm I feared so deeply?

Was _this_ the first real sign of the approaching tempest? The approaching war? Was this the first of the Banshee Vipers? It had to be. It _had to be_. Because if it wasn't… What sort of storm could follow warnings worse than all the things that had already happened this year? Remus was in a terrible state… How could that not be one of the signs I'd been searching for? God, how could something be worse than this?

Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if all the things that had gone wrong had been accidents but they weren't. Someone had tampered with the Bludgers. That was why they'd started chasing after the Gryffindor players. That was why James had ended up with a concussion that had nearly cost him his life. I wanted to believe that it'd been an accident, that whoever had done it had only been fooling around and had never meant for anyone to get hurt. I wanted to believe that.

Of course with Remus it wasn't even a possibility. What had happened to him, what had been _done to him_, had been very deliberate. Deliberate enough to just make everything feel so…cold. How was it that any of this surprised me anymore? Remus had told me what the kids at school had done to him as a child, I knew how he'd been bullied and teased and once, nearly killed. I'd learned what the Ministry did to werewolves that bit other people while transformed. I'd seen the Werewolf Confinement Center. I knew how deep people's hatred could run, how deeply in ran in my own _family_, and still it always managed to surprise me how truly despicably people could behave.

How was it that some people were capable of despising _so completely_?

"Madam Pomfrey."

I turned when Dumbledore spoke the nurse's name. She had just entered the waiting room. There were blood stains on her clothes and she looked…alarmed.

Oh no. Please no.

"Albus," she turned her full attention on the Headmaster. "He's suffered severe internal bleeding. He will die if it is not treated. I have a potion that will stop it…the Osane Potion."

Dumbledore's eyes seemed to darken. "Indeed," he replied. "That is…unfortunate." The moments of silence that followed that statement seemed to stretch out unbearably. "You will, of course, give it to him." He smiled suddenly. "It is, after all, preferable to the alternative. I'm sure that the young Mr. Lupin will agree when he awakens."

Madam Pomfrey nodded slowly. "Very well." Then she looked towards my friend and me. "Mr. Lupin will recover," she informed us with a small smile.

_Mr. Lupin will…_

He was going to recover! I could have hugged her! Grinning broadly, I thumped James on the shoulder instead. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! He was going to be all right. He didn't have to be transferred to St. Mungo's, we didn't have to wait hours to find out, he was going to be _all right_. I couldn't stop smiling. He was going to be all right!!

James was ecstatic too. He wasn't really smiling but I could see it in his eyes. They were practically alight.

"When will he wake up?" I managed to ask as Madam Pomfrey moved to leave.

The slightly overweight nurse paused. "Not for a good many hours. You can see him in about twenty minutes, as soon as the Osane Potion begins to take effect." Her tone faltered when she mentioned the potion and it was then that I noticed the marked uneasiness in her eyes. It made me…uncomfortable.

Rather persistently, the absurdity of what had transpired only minutes earlier managed to intrude on my joy. Why had Dumbledore told Madam Pomfrey how to treat Remus? Why had Madam Pomfrey asked him? It didn't make sense. Why was the _Headmaster_ giving the _nurse_ permission to administer the potion that would heal Moony's internal bleeding? What did he know of it? Granted, he was probably the wisest wizard alive today but surely her medical knowledge surpassed his?

I met James' gaze and we shared a concerned look. He was thinking the same thing.

"Excuse me, Madam Pomfrey," I stopped her just as she would have left the room.

"Yes?" She turned around as she addressed me, looking a little impatient.

"Is the potion…dangerous?" Was there some sort of risk involved in giving it to Remus? There had to be. Or else the nurse would have had no reason to seek Dumbledore's approval.

"No," she assured me immediately, "The _Osane_ _Potion_ is quite safe."

I was going to question her further but she hustled out of the waiting room too quickly. I shifted my attention to the Headmaster himself but was cut off before I could begin. "I will, of course, be conducting a thorough investigation on what occurred here tonight. I will contact you if I need any information from either one of you."

James and I both nodded.

Then, with just as much severity as I'd ever seen in his usually twinkling eyes and light gait, Dumbledore left James and me to wait alone. Contemplatively, I continued to stare after him long after he'd faded from sight. There was something about that potion they weren't telling us. Medicine and healing concoctions were not my specialty but they didn't need to be. I could tell them something was a little…off.

She had said that Remus would recover though. So what, exactly, was the problem?

* * *

When Madam Pomfrey returned to the waiting room and told James and me that we could see Remus if we wanted to, I was a little scared. It'd been so hard to look at him with all the blood and bruises. They had made him seem so fragile and helpless. They had made me feel so furious towards whoever had done this to him. I didn't want to go in there and see him lying unconscious on a hospital bed. I just wanted to go back to the dormitory and find him studying or reading. I just wanted this entire night to have never happened.

It wasn't as bad as I'd expected, though. Madam Pomfrey had cleaned up all the blood and bandaged all the wounds. They practically covered his entire body. Besides their dwarfing presence, the only thing that remained of the gruesome sight James and I had last been confronted with was the clothing. It hadn't been changed and was still torn and blemished by large stains. I wanted to take it and replace it with a set of clean robes. I wanted to peel away the cloth that concealed the wounds he'd suffered and find only unblemished skin. I wanted to eliminate all signs of this tragedy but could do no more than simply stand there feeling powerless and confused.

I simply couldn't understand how this had happened. Maybe I didn't even want to.

"Who did this to him? Who did this?" I asked James as I watched Remus' steady and now silent breathing. "Why?"

I didn't have to be watching Prongs to know that his response was accompanied by a listless shrug. "I don't know, Sirius." He sighed. "I don't know."

* * *

As much as James and I wanted to be there when Remus regained consciousness, the Headmaster and Professor McGonagall would not hear of our missing classes. They said it was admirable that we'd like to support our friend but that we would have to wait until after our lessons were finished for the day. I'd wanted to protest but they'd both been obviously adamant and I'd given it up as a lost cause.

Attending classes as if nothing had happened was an entirely futile endeavor. After telling Peter and Lily about the attack, James and I continued through the day without saying much of anything at all. For my part, I didn't find that there was anything useful _to_ say. Remus was in the hospital because someone – perhaps even a group of people – had assaulted him. What were we supposed to talk about? The weather? Nothing seemed to matter in the face of what we'd seen last night.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'd barely slept because the image of Remus' mauled body haunted my dreams whenever my eyes managed to drift shut for more than a few moments. It was horrible, having that image in my mind. I'd thought that the sight of Remus transforming was difficult to bear. I'd thought that the sight of him pale, trembling, and covered in wounds was difficult to bear. I'd never thought that I'd see him in a state worse than the one induced by the full moons. I'd never thought that anything like last night would happen. And now I couldn't forget it, couldn't wipe the vision from my mind.

It was horrible. He'd looked so horrible…

I couldn't pay attention to what the various professors were lecturing on. I couldn't pay attention to the coursework or the assignments given. It took all my will to open my Potions textbook and look up that potion that Madam Pomfrey had given Remus to heal his internal bleeding. I hoped to find some useful information there, something to explain why she'd been so hesitant to administer it, but was disappointed. There didn't seem to be anything unusual about the potion. It did exactly what it was supposed to do and had no side effects to speak of. It stayed in a person's system for a rather long time – two months, to be exact – but there was absolutely nothing there that satisfied my curiosity.

_Why_ had Madam Pomfrey consulted Dumbledore before giving it to him? There had to be a reason.

* * *

My last class of the day ended late. James, Lily, and Peter were already with Remus by the time I arrived at the hospital wing. When I entered the room where he was recovering, I found him propped up by several pillows and surrounded by our friends. Since the previous night when Madam Pomfrey had forced Prongs and I to leave, some of the color had returned to Moony's face and many of the bandages had been removed. There was one that still covered his forehead and several others that were visible on his arms and legs. Also, his clothing had been changed. He was now wearing a pajama-like hospital gown.

I faltered a few feet away from Remus' bed. No one was speaking. James, Peter, and Lily were alternating between sharing nervous glances and observing Moony concernedly. It was obvious that no one had any idea how to behave. Remus himself was silently staring at the ceiling, eyes and expression resigned and _so_ weary.

I tried to announce my presence but immense sadness stole my voice. Poor Moony. His mum and grandmother were dead and now this. No wonder none of our friends knew what to say. 'I'm sorry' didn't quite cover it.

Lily was the first to see me. Nodding slightly, she placed a hand on Remus' shoulder and drew his attention to me. "Padfoot." His tone was gravelly and overly subdued.

Shaking myself, I took the last two steps that had me standing by his side. "Remus," I responded just as quietly. Then I floundered in the same way that James, Lily, and Peter were obviously floundering. What in the world was I supposed to _say_?

Remus smiled ever-so-slightly, clearly understanding. "Thank you for coming."

I almost frowned. "Where else would I be?"

Moony's smile broadened before disappearing. He kept his eyes focused on me but didn't speak.

Clearing my throat uncomfortably, I asked an obvious question. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm not in any pain," he assured me. "Madam Pomfrey has seen to that. I'm just a bit…sore and drowsy."

"And how long are they going to keep you here?" It was another obvious question. Asking them was easier than trying to have any sort of meaningful discussion about what had happened to him.

"A few more days," he supplied.

A few more days. Was that all? It was amazing what magic could do. Last night he'd been in an awful state but in two or three days he'd be released and except for exhaustion and a handful of lingering scars and bruises, all signs of this travesty would be gone.

"And…" I hesitated. "How are you…doing?"

A brief shadow flickered across his eyes. "I'm not in any pain," he repeated with forced steadiness.

I glanced at James but he wasn't looking at me. "That's not what I meant."

"I know you and Prongs were the ones that found me but I'm sure it looked worse than it actually was." He sighed. "It's not as bad as you think."

James, Peter, Lily, and I all shared disbelieving looks. "_Not as bad as you think_," I repeated dubiously. "Remus, exactly what happened to you last night?"

He responded with clinical, deceptive calmness. "I was walking back towards the castle when I was hit by some sort of charm. It stunned me, temporarily blinded me. When I fell to the ground, I heard several people rush towards me. They…attacked me. I tried to fight them off but I was sluggish and couldn't see. There were too many of them."

"You don't know who's responsible, then." Lily stated, voicing the disappointment I was sure we all felt.

"No," Remus replied as if it had been a question, "I don't."

"And why did they attack you?" I pressed.

"Sirius," James whispered fiercely, tone warning.

"Why do you think?" Remus returned, still entirely composed. "Obviously, someone other than Severus has discovered my secret."

For a while I just stared at him, searching his eyes and face for some sign that this was truly bothering him, for some sign that this was different than the other times he'd awoken in the hospital wing, times following the full moon. There was nothing, though. Aside from the sad acceptance that I'd noticed upon first entering, there was nothing. He didn't seem angry, hurt, in shock, or anything at all. It was like what was happening with his mum and Grams; it was like he was denying everything, refusing to feel.

"And what did they do to you, Remus?" I inquired after awhile.

"Sirius," James repeated more loudly, this time pushing my shoulder rather forcefully.

I ignored him. I felt bad for making Moony answer these questions but…I just wanted him to confront what had happened. I knew that this had happened to him before, years ago. Before coming to Hogwarts he'd been the victim of another hate crime. As a child, a fellow classmate had nearly killed him for being a werewolf. When he'd first told me about it…it'd been so hard for him. It'd been inconceivably painful for him to remember and even though we'd rarely discussed it since then I knew that the memory wasn't easier to bear. Now I was supposed to believe that what had occurred last night hadn't affected him at all?

"They broke my wrist and four of my ribs," he began, eyes never leaving mine. "They fractured my jaw and nose. They beat me severely, causing multiple contusions, cuts, and bruises, as well as internal bleeding and two concussions. Apparently one of them nearly choked me, which almost crushed my trachea. Shall I continue?"

I swallowed, unnerved at how emotionlessly he could say all of that and appalled at what had been done to him. "And all of that," I gestured vaguely, voice guttural, "is _not as bad as I think_?"

My friend didn't have an answer to give and I was glad of that.

An uncomfortable silence descended over the room. I could feel James, Peter, and Lily's eyes on me but refused to meet any of their gazes. They thought I'd been too harsh. Maybe they were right. Maybe they were right. I just didn't understand. I'd awoken several times from nightmares just remembering the way he'd _looked_ and he was…perfectly fine?

When Lily abruptly stepped away from Remus' bedside and left the room, all of us traced her departure with uncomprehending eyes. James, I could tell, was about to follow when she returned moments later, carrying a blanket which she promptly spread out and gently smoothed over Moony's body.

"Thank you," he murmured quietly, tugging it up until it touched his chin.

Lily smiled.

I suppressed a smile of my own. Leave it to Lily. I hadn't even realized Remus was cold.

For whatever reason, Lily's action broke the tension that had extended between us. "Is there anything you want us to bring you?" James wanted to know.

Remus shook his head. "No."

"What about–"

"Prongs," Remus interrupted him, "It doesn't have to be any different."

James looked confused. The rest of us probably did as well.

"I mean, you don't need to be acting any different or talking about anything different. Just…" he exhaled slowly. "What would we be normally talking about? Isn't there…a prank you're itching to pull or something about the wedding that you want to plan?"

The answer to both of those questions was always yes and so Remus' desire to just have some sort of normal conversation propelled us into an hour-long discussion of all sorts of meaningless unimportant things that led into a more serious exchange about the wedding ceremony. James had already asked me to be his best man and pleasantly surprised Moony by requesting that he stand with us as well. Remus' response was a sincere grin – the first true sign of joy I'd seen on him since the news about his mum and grandmother – and an instantaneous acceptance. On that rather pleasant note, we all excused ourselves because it was obvious that Moony was getting tired.

Lingering for a few minutes after the others had gone, I pulled an envelope out of one of the inner pockets of my school robe and set it on the small stand next to Remus' bed. "I almost forgot… It's a letter from your uncle. Since owls aren't allowed inside the hospital wing the one that delivered this was left flying about uncertainly in the Great Hall until I flagged him down."

"Thanks," he murmured, yawning.

"I'll…leave you to it, then," I said by way of farewell, walking towards the waiting room where I was certain to find James. He'd most likely told Lily and Peter to go on ahead so that he could have a word with me. I knew what he wanted to talk about and I almost wished there was another way out of this room so that I wouldn't have to deal with it.

"Sirius?" Remus' tentative, almost faltering voice stopped me.

Hearing a touch of pain and vulnerability that had been entirely absent before, I immediately turned back to look at him again. "Yeah?"

He opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. In the greatest flux of feeling I'd seen since that night when he'd received the tragic news from his uncle, he was clearly waging a battle of conflicting emotions. He wanted and _didn't_ want to tell me something. As much as I hoped he'd talk to me – _really_ talk to me – I already knew what his decision would be.

"You'll be back tomorrow?" he finally asked, not surprising me.

"Yeah," I answered the question it'd been pointless to ask. "I'll be back tomorrow." He made no immediate comment but I remained in the doorway until it became obvious he wasn't going to say anything else. Then I turned and walked away.

* * *

"You need to _back off_," James told me as soon as I stepped into the waiting room. "I _know_ that Remus doesn't seem to be dealing with anything – not what happened to his mum and grandmother and certainly not what happened last night – and I _know_ that you're worried about him, but you can't solve everything yourself."

I didn't stop to speak with him, instead I kept walking and forced him to fall into step beside me.

"You always want to _fix_ everything but some things are just too big. I mean, you became an Animagus because you wanted to help Remus, you helped save his life when you refused to accept that he was the one that killed Evelyn, and you've done countless other things for Remus, Peter, and me when you got it in your head that you had to help somehow." He paused.

It was standard Ministry policy to arrest all local registered werewolves when someone was killed by one. Just earlier this year, that fate had befallen a Hogwarts student – Evelyn Milay. Thanks to a series of unfortunate events, it hadn't been clear whether Remus was responsible. However, seeing as how he was the only registered werewolf in the area, the Ministry had assumed he was and taken him to the Werewolf Confinement Center, a thoroughly despicable place. I, however, had been unwilling to believe that Remus had killed her and in the end James and I had been able to prove that he indeed had _not_. It had, in fact, been an unregistered werewolf.

James was watching me. When it became evident that I had no intention of arguing with any of what he'd said so far, he continued. "And those are all brilliant things. I mean, the things that you do for your friends…

"Sirius, you have this way of caring about people so much that you just become so involved in everything and don't seem to understand that there are some things that you just have to let be." James grabbed my shoulder. Forcing me to stop walking, he spun me to face him. "Padfoot," he caught my gaze in his own, "Sometimes all you can do for your friends is be there. Sometimes that has to be enough."

"James…" I didn't step away or break the eye contact between us even though I wanted to. "His mum and grandmother are dead."

"I know."

"He was nearly killed last night. Probably because he's a werewolf but maybe for some other reason. It probably doesn't even matter why. _He was nearly killed last night_."

"I know," he repeated softly, understandingly.

"And he's acting as if when he gets out of here in a few days everything will be all right."

James released my shoulder and took half a step back. "I'm worried about him too."

I already knew that. Of course he was worried. We were all worried. "So don't we have to try and help? Shouldn't we do more than just visit him in the hospital wing?"

"What else do you think we can do in this situation?" he demanded. Even though he knew he had me, even though he knew I didn't have an answer for that, his tone was sympathetic and not triumphant.

I stared at him helplessly. I didn't know what else we could do but there had to be something. There had to be something.

* * *

"Hey Wormtail, where's Prongs?" He'd practically begged me to keep him company while he looked through various wedding magazines in an attempt to pick out a tuxedo he liked and had then up and vanished. Unfortunately, he also had the Marauder's Map.

Peter, who was sitting on the floor in front of his bed reading a book and looking entirely bored, shrugged. "He left about a half hour ago with Dumbledore."

Dumbledore? If Dumbledore had wanted to see James it probably had something to do with what had happened to Remus. We hadn't heard anything about it since the night of the attack and I was extremely interested in learning whether they had any idea who was responsible.

Nodding, I lingered uncertainly in the center of the room. I wanted to go visit Remus in the hospital wing but wondered if I should instead wait for James. I didn't particularly relish the idea of giving tuxedo advice but if I stayed I'd be able to ask him if he knew anything about how the investigation was proceeding.

Ambling over so that I could look out the window, I froze when I saw James, Dumbledore, and two other wizards – probably Ministry workers – heading in the direction of where the attack had taken place. Maybe they wanted a first-hand account of how and where James had found Remus. Maybe they were looking for more evidence.

Sighing, I studied Moony's neat, empty bed. I'd go see him tomorrow morning before class. Right now I wanted to know if Dumbledore and the Ministry had any suspects. I wanted to know who was responsible for nearly killing one of my best friends.

* * *

"They're _what_?" I exclaimed angrily, not believing what James had just told me.

"The Ministry is closing the investigation," he repeated tiredly, picking up the stack of tuxedo magazines he'd left on his pillow and letting it fall untidily onto the floor.

"Why?" I demanded.

Prongs grabbed his pillow and fluffed it rather aggressively back into shape. Though he was certainly a great deal calmer about it he was just as frustrated by this news as I was. He was normally not as vocal as me in venting his anger, preferring instead to let it show in his eyes and mannerisms. "Sirius, you know why. You know why."

Dejectedly, I used my thumb and forefinger to rub slow circles around my eyes. Yeah. I knew why. I hated to admit it but I knew why. Remus was a werewolf, after all. What did the Ministry care if he was persecuted and discriminated against? What did the Ministry care if he was _assaulted_ and nearly _murdered_?


	4. Part Three

Here's part three. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you, Celdria, for your review. :)

**~Part Three~**

"So, that's it. The Ministry has recalled its investigators. Dumbledore is still looking into the matter but…" My eyes never left Remus' face. I wasn't sure what I wanted his reaction to be. I just wanted it to be normal. I wanted it to seem like he cared. It didn't, though. He looked as impassive as someone who'd just heard the weather report.

"But what?" he prompted when I left my sentence unfinished.

I sighed. "From what James picked up from Dumbledore and the people from the Ministry, there's an extraordinary lack of evidence. There was no one around at the time to see you or anyone else enter or leave the patch of trees. Unless someone comes forward or you remember something from before you passed out… There's really not much he can do."

"All right," he acknowledged, "Thanks for letting me know."

I couldn't stop myself from staring at him in disbelief. "That's it? That's all you're going to say?"

"What do you want me to say, Sirius?" he inquired, tone and eyes calm and emotionless. Merlin, how did he do that? How was he shutting himself off from feeling, from hurting? He'd been at it since his mum and grandmother; I just didn't understand how he could keep it up. People _felt_ things… How could he just…_stop_ his emotions?

I didn't want him to _say_ anything. I wanted to look at him and see some part of the deeply sensitive and thoughtful friend who I'd known since starting at Hogwarts. I didn't want him to be so blank anymore; I didn't want for him to just be…going through the motions. What kind of life was that? What kind of existence did a person have if he lived each day as if it held no meaning?

"Remus," I pressed, "The other day you were attacked, beaten, _nearly killed_, by a group of _people_ who, in all likelihood, are going to get away scot-free because the Ministry of Magic could care less about investigating a crime perpetrated on a werewolf. Doesn't that bother you? Aren't you angry? Sad? Disappointed? _Anything_?"

"What would the point be, Sirius?" he asked. "It's not going to change anything. My being bitter isn't going to heal my wounds any faster. Even if those people are arrested there are countless others out there, others who feel the same way. It won't change anything. People hate werewolves and locking a few of them up in Azkaban isn't going to make a difference."

"I know it's not going to make a difference. Being…saddened because people are hateful, thoughtless, stupid bastards who are too frightened and narrow-minded to accept what you are isn't gong to _change_ anything but…" I wasn't even sure what to say. The fact that it wouldn't change anything didn't matter. It was normal to feel! "That never stopped you before," I finally added, remembering all the times I'd seen acceptance _and_ pain in his eyes whenever we discussed how unfairly werewolves were treated. Damn it, he'd always been calm about it, resigned even, but he'd always _cared_ too. He'd always cared.

* * *

"It's virtually impenetrable," I mused out loud.

"Huh?" James arched a questioning eyebrow.

"Hogwarts. It's virtually impenetrable," I repeated. "Do you realize what that means?"

Obviously, Prongs had no idea what I was talking about.

"It means that the people who attacked Remus are either students or teachers." It meant that whoever it had been was _still here_. It meant that I probably _knew them_. It meant that I'd probably _see_ them _several times_ before graduation but wouldn't be able to do _anything_ about it. They'd go about their lives as if nothing had happened because the damned investigation had been closed.

"I hadn't really thought about that," he admitted, sighing. "It's a bit chilling, to think that those people are in the castle and that they won't be held accountable for what they've done."

"Too bad the regulations regarding the use of Veritaserum are so strict now," I lamented. "If Dumbledore could give everyone here that potion and force them to answer truthfully regarding the attack then we'd have them."

"Not without a warrant," James told me what I already knew. "Thanks to the new legislation passed by our _wonderful_ Ministry less than two months ago, the Minister now has to approve each use of Veritaserum. That means that Dumbledore needs to prove to _him_ that the people he's administering the potion to have a substantial likelihood of being involved. Sadly, even if we'd seen someone nearby that night, someone who could have been fleeing the scene, the Minister probably still wouldn't give Dumbledore permission to use Veritaserum on them because no one cares about punishing someone who's hurt a werewolf. The Minister hates werewolves just as much as everyone else; he'd probably give the people responsible a medal, if he could." Prongs' frustration was carefully contained but I could hear it in his clipped tone.

"It's not fair," I struck my mattress lightly with a single fist. "I'm far past the point of being naïve enough to think that life has to be fair but this…_this_ is just…_wrong_."

"I know." He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I know."

* * *

"Did they make any announcements about the attack or why I've been missing classes for the last few days?" Remus asked as he, Peter, and I prepared to leave the hospital wing. James and Lily were busy doing something related to their duties as Head Boy and Head Girl.

"No," Wormtail assured him. "Not a word. People have been asking us, though."

"Yeah. Let me take that," I offered, indicating the pack that Remus was shouldering for the walk back to the dormitory. He'd accumulated a few things in the four days Madam Pomfrey had kept him – books, his journal, and other odds and ends. It wasn't that the pack was heavy but Remus, though physically appearing to have fully recovered, was still very tired and weak. It had something to do with the medication Madam Pomfrey was giving him to counter the pain of his healing ribs. Apparently broken wrists, arms, legs, and just about anything else could be entirely remedied in less than an hour but ribs were trickier and took longer.

Remus shook his head. "I'll manage, thanks. What have you been telling people when they ask?"

"Not much," Peter supplied and I nodded my agreement. "Just that you haven't been feeling well."

"Yeah, I don't think anyone suspects anything…serious happened." I added. "I saw Dumbledore talking to some people from the Ministry yesterday. He and James were taking them to where the attack happened but no school-wide announcements have been made. I doubt any will be made now, what with the investigation being gutted."

"Interesting… You'd think they would have cancelled classes that very next day… Like they did when Evelyn was killed," Peter remarked.

"They have no reason to," Remus cut in before I could. "There's no school-wide threat. It was a hate crime and, as far as we know, I'm the only person at Hogwarts that's a werewolf. No one else is in any danger."

"Yeah, but we don't know that they won't try again." He'd been entirely safe in the hospital wing but who was to say that he wouldn't be cornered between classes? What if they wanted to finish what they'd started?

"I think that if they'd wanted to kill me they would have done it already," Remus was kind, almost grateful, in his response.

"Mr. Lupin?" Madam Pomfrey interjected, intercepting us as we crossed the waiting room. "Might we have a word with you before you go?"

When the three of us stopped and faced her we saw that Professor Dumbledore was standing at her side. Normally the head nurse giving a patient a few parting instructions was normal but doing it with the Headmaster present…?

Remus himself obviously thought this was unusual. He frowned and remained silent for a short while before answering. "Of course," he agreed. I could tell he was worried. "Sirius, I think I'll just meet you guys in the dormitory. Can you please take this?" He slid his pack off his shoulder and held it out for me.

Nodding slowly, I grabbed it. "I'll see you in a few minutes, then." Sharing a confused look, Peter and I left Remus to speak with Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore.

* * *

When Peter and I entered the dormitory we were surprised to find someone there, examining the books that the four of us – the Marauders – had accumulated on our shared bookcase. Though we were not speaking, our unknown guest must have heard our footsteps as we approached because he turned just as we came to a surprised stop.

I was even more surprised when I saw who it was. Remus' uncle. Though I hadn't previously met him, I recognized him immediately from the pictures that Remus had shown me of his family. Indeed, even if I hadn't seen the photos I would have known it was someone related to Moony simply because of the remarkable resemblance between the two. Though Mr. Lupin's hair was cut short while Remus' was a good five inches long, it was the same sandy blond color. They also had nearly identical expressive emerald eyes and similarly shaped faces.

"Mr. Lupin," I greeted him immediately, well aware of how fond Remus was of his uncle. It was safe to say, now that his mum and grandmother were dead, that he was the only person in Moony's family that cared for him at all. Sadly, his own father was a bastard who'd done everything short of disown Remus after the accident that had turned him into a werewolf. It was unbelievable that his uncle and his dad were brothers!

Actually, it was a rather odd situation. It was Remus' mum that was the witch. His dad was a Muggle. If anyone was going to turn against him after the accident, I'd have expected it to be the one that had grown up in the Wizarding world, where anti-werewolf sentiments were common. Perhaps it had something to do with his dad's parents. They had very strong misgivings about magic. When Remus' uncle received his acceptance letter from Hogwarts, they'd never even told him. If it hadn't been for him discovering magic on his own – an extraordinary feat – he'd never have learned to use his Wizarding powers. Of course, if Moony's dad's parents' views had rubbed off on him he wouldn't have gone and married a witch.

I suppressed a sigh as all this ran through my head. Remus' dad's attitude made no sense.

Mr. Lupin stepped forward and extended his hand to me. Though he did not smile I saw the warmth in his eyes. "You must be Sirius."

I shook his hand, noting how firm his grip was. "Yes, sir."

"And you," he shook hands with Wormtail, "Must be Peter."

"I'm very pleased to meet you, sir," Peter greeted.

"Please," he retreated a pace, "Call me Ian. If I startled you, I apologize. My boss was kind enough to give me a few days off. I am anxious to see how my nephew is fairing. Professor McGonagall gave me permission to enter." His speech was soft, like Remus', and I smiled. They shared the same quiet manner.

"Don't worry about it. Remus should be here in a few minutes. He's just being released from–" I faltered rather abruptly. Had Ian been informed of the attack against his nephew?

"The hospital wing?" Ian surmised with a knowing half-smile. "Yes, I am aware of the brutal assault Remus suffered."

Good. I would have hated to inform him.

"Remus told me himself when he responded to the letter I sent him. He was…annoying vague, unfortunately. Would you be willing to shed some light on what happened that night?" he requested politely.

"Of course," I agreed. "Unfortunately, we probably don't know much more than you do. It was James and I who found him – well, James, actually. It was just past sunset on Thursday night. James ran ahead of me into the patch of trees where the attack took place – he was trying to catch a Snitch that got away from him. He was probably in there for a few minutes before I heard him calling for me.

"When I found him he was kneeling over Remus though I didn't immediately recognize him. Remus was… He–" I took a moment to calm the tremor that had entered my voice. "He was very badly beaten…there was a lot of blood." I hadn't said anything to the others, hadn't asked James if he was having the same problem, but I still had trouble sleeping because of that image in my head, the image of Remus so…mangled.

Ian did not move or say anything but his face expressed both his own sadness regarding what had occurred as well as a profound sympathy for me, a sympathy conveyed by his eyes. In that, too, he reminded me of Remus. I appreciated his understanding.

"We…rushed him to the hospital wing, of course. Madam Pomfrey asked us – James, me, and Professor Dumbledore – to wait outside while she examined him. When she came out she told the Headmaster that Remus was suffering from internal bleeding, mentioned a potion that would stop it, and Professor Dumbledore told her to give it to him."

I would have continued had I not noticed the suddenly very curious and alert look that shown in Ian's astute gaze. "Do you remember the name of this potion?"

Of course I did. I stopped worrying about its side effects once it became obvious that Remus was making a complete recovery but the odd exchange between Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore had cemented the potion in my mind. "The Osane Potion."

Ian's eyes widened slightly and his gaze wandered away from me to a point above my head. He seemed to be…troubled and deep in thought. "Indeed," he murmured.

"What is it?" I asked, staring at him intently. "What's wrong with that potion?"

Before he could answer, the door opened behind us. "Ian?" I easily heard the surprise in Remus' voice.

Peter and I both turned around even as we stepped aside to let Moony enter the room. The first thing I noticed was that Moony's joy at seeing his uncle was largely overshadowed by an almost overwhelming aura of nervousness, nervousness which had not been present before his little chat with the nurse and Headmaster.

What was it they had told him? Something about that potion, I'd wager.

"Remus," his uncle greeted affectionately, "I am pleased to see you. How are you feeling?"

"Better," Moony smiled. "Much better."

He looked inexplicably pale, I noted as Ian passed Peter and me and placed a hand on his nephew's shoulder. "That's wonderful. Have you enough strength to take a walk?"

Remus nodded immediately and together, he and his uncle left the dormitory.

Silently, I moved to sit on my bed. Something was very wrong. Something about Remus and that potion. Something that had made Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey hesitate in giving it to him. Something that concerned Ian and filled Remus with apprehension. _Something_.

* * *

"James?"

"Yah?" he replied distractedly, barely glancing up from Quidditch Pro.

"You know there's something odd about that potion they gave Remus on the night he was attacked." I wasn't even sure why I was bringing this up. I was almost certain James' reaction would not be positive, not after what he'd said to me about getting so involved in friendships and wanting to help when really all I could do was be there.

Prongs sighed and set his magazine aside. "I know that."

"And Remus has been nervous ever since they released him from the hospital wing," I continued, hoping he'd hear me out. "I'm thinking there might be something about this next full moon and that potion, something he's worried about."

"Sirius," he grated in a tone a recognized all too well, "You need to stop. We're not kids anymore. If Remus has a problem he wants us to know about or wants our help with, he'll tell us. We can't just go…prying about into his personal affairs."

Right. Well, that was that. "Never mind." I wasn't annoyed with him, not really. He did have a point. I did have a tendency to go too far sometimes. This wasn't all that different from what we'd done first year, though. It was as obvious to me now as it had been to all of us then that Remus needed our help.

He hadn't told us about his being a werewolf because he'd been scared of our reaction. What if it was the same this time? What if he wanted us to know but was simply frightened? After everything the four of us had been I thought it'd be obvious that there was nothing about his being a werewolf that would turn us against him but what if he still had his doubts?

He sighed again. "I need to go meet Lily in the courtyard."

And I needed to do more research in the library. "I'll walk with you," I offered.

He nodded and we slipped out of the dormitory together.

* * *

"Oi!" James stopped suddenly. "Lily and I are supposed to go over the guest-list for the wedding but I forgot to bring the list of people my parents want me to invite."

"You go back and get it. I'll stop by the courtyard on my way to the library and tell Lily you'll be along in a few minutes," I offered.

"Right. Thanks mate," he said, already heading down the hallway in the opposite direction, back towards the Gryffindor common room.

"No problem!" I called after him.

Prongs! These days all he thought about was Lily and that wedding of theirs. He wanted a smaller ceremony – so did she, in fact – but their parents were involved and it was turning into a lavish affair and consuming all their time. Who knew that weddings took so much planning!

"…legislation that was recently passed," I paused when I heard Snape's slick, contemptuous voice from somewhere ahead of me. "If I remember correctly, it prevents werewolves from applying for jobs without disclosing their…darker nature."

A few feet ahead of me there was a branch-off into a different corridor. It sounded like Snape was there. Quietly, I inched forward and poked my head around the corner. The greasy-haired Slytherin had apparently intercepted Remus and was doing his best to block my friend's passage down the hallway. Moony's back was to me but Snape, if he bothered to look beyond the person he was attempting to harass, would have an unobstructed view of me. The great git was too focused on his 'prey', though. He didn't notice.

"I do so relish knowing that, unlike Dumbledore and your tragically misguided _friends_, the rest of the Wizarding world is not so blind as to think you and your kind are merely harmless _victims of circumstance_." He gave a whithering half-laugh. "Mark my words, Lupin, someday the Ministry will take appropriate action and send you all to Azkaban."

That bloody bastard! What was his problem!? What was it with people like him? Why couldn't he just leave Remus _alone_? Why did he go out of his way to torment and ridicule him? So what if Remus was different? So what if he suffered from an unusual condition? Why the hell did it have to matter so much? He'd seen Remus! They weren't friends but he'd _seen_ him. He'd seen him give presentations, interact with others, tutor younger students, and do all sorts of other things. How could he look at Remus and not see a person? How could he look at him and just see a…_thing_ to be mistrusted and despised?

What right did he have to imply that Remus wasn't human? He was more human than Snape was! And damn it, why wasn't Moony _saying anything_? This wasn't the first time he'd had a confrontation with Snape. Usually he was quite adept at weaving a tapestry of words to put the slimy arsehole in his place. So why was he just standing there? Why was he just taking it?

"The Dementor's Kiss is saved for only the most…_reprehensible_ of people but it'll be no great loss if the lot of you are fed to them," he continued swaggeringly, interpreting Remus' silence as defeat.

My wand was in my hand so quickly that I was entirely unaware of having moved to grab it. That was it. Remus might be willing to let people talk to him like that but I wasn't. It was just this kind of idiocy and hatred that led to attacks like the one he'd been a victim of! I wasn't going to let Snape insult or hurt my friend like that.

Rapidly sidestepping Remus, I had the tip of my wand hovering mere inches from Snape's throat before he even had a chance to react. "I'd get a month's worth of detention for casting the charm I want to use on you but it'd be _worth it_," I hissed angrily, feeling a sick satisfaction at the glimmer of surprised fear that appeared in Snape's eyes.

Snape smirked slightly, "Well, if it isn't Sirius Black, the knight in shinning armor, come to rescue his poor defenseless little werewolf friend."

"What's the matter, Snape?" I taunted. "Are you upset that a _werewolf_ has managed to get more friends than you?"

"In the end it won't matter how many _friends_ Lupin has. Things are changing, Black. It won't be long now before even Dumbledore loses the power to prevent your _friend_ from being thrown where he belongs – with the rest of the Wizarding world's degenerates." His eyes practically gleamed at the thought.

Gritting my teeth, I opened my mouth to say the charm that was on the tip of my tongue. It didn't matter that Dumbledore and McGonagall would be furious. Snape was going to realize that he had no place screwing around with any of my friends. He was gong to learn to keep his opinions about werewolves to himself.

"Sirius, stop!" Remus startled me, grabbing my arm and pushing it down so that my wand was pointing at the floor. "It's not worth it."

Snape snickered. "He's right, Black. A werewolf isn't worth anything at all." Then, before I could say something or push Remus off of me, the colossal prick made a quick retreat down the other end of the corridor.

I just didn't understand people! Snape could hate James and I all he wanted for our bullying and pranks but how could he hate Remus so much for something he had absolutely no control over? In all likelihood he would have happily joined the people who'd assaulted Moony, would have all too happily killed my friend because of prejudices he was too bigoted to shake.

"Padfoot," Moony released my arm, "I'm not a chil–"

Turning abruptly, I used my momentum to shove Remus back a pace. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I demanded harshly. "Don't you care about anything anymore?"

Moony retreated a step but otherwise didn't respond.

"You let him say all those things to you… What else are you willing to let happen?" Moving forward, I pushed him again. This time, it was the wall he stumbled back against. "Damn it, Remus." My tone abruptly lost its anger and volume. "You were nearly killed. Next time you could be." I was already worrying about him enough. I was worried that he wasn't grieving and I was worried that he wasn't taking what had happened to him seriously. The last thing I needed to worry about now was him not standing up for himself in situations that could very well result in another assault.

He still said nothing but this time I saw a wavering in his eyes. He seemed torn between annoyance, shame, and gratitude and I got the distinct impression that the Remus I knew, the one that was incredibly saddened and troubled by how much people hated him, was trying to ask for my help. Leveling me with a gaze that was both a reprimand and somehow…an apology, he rubbed the back of his head lightly in the area where it had hit the wall.

The sight unmanned me. God. What was I doing? I wasn't actually angry with him. He was still recuperating and here I was nearly attacking him myself. What was the matter with _me_? Was it really that easy for me to become so worked up that I'd turn on my friends in violence? I wanted Remus to work through whatever depressed phase he'd been stuck in since the news of his devastating loss but this wasn't the way. This wasn't helping anything at all.

Deflated, I tucked my wand back inside my robe pocket, where it belonged. "I'm sorry, Remus," I apologized with all sincerity.

"Mind your temper, Sirius," he advised sternly but followed up the warning with something that was almost a smile of sorts. "Thank you for always worrying. You are, despite everything, a good friend."

Sighing, he resumed his walk down the hallway. "You have to realize that it's not always worth it. Nothing's going to change Snape's mind about me so why bother?"

Why bother? _Why bother_? Because if everyone just accepted things the way they were werewolves would continue to have their rights curtailed, would continue to be discriminated against, and would continue to be the victims of hate crimes! How could he even say such a thing?

* * *

"Is that another letter from Ian?" I indicated the neatly folded piece of parchment that Remus had just set aside. Ever since the death of his mum and grandmother, and especially since his uncle's brief visit, the two kept in touch frequently. They exchanged at least two letters weekly. Remus, I knew, was glad to have some sort of contact with someone in his family since his father evidently rarely ever spoke with him, and Ian was worried about his nephew.

He nodded.

"Do they know when the funeral will be held?" Apparently, due to the fact that the accident had involved Apparition, the Ministry had taken possession of the bodies for further examination. Since Remus' father did not want to conduct the funeral without being able to do the burial at the same time, he'd decided to wait for the Ministry. Unfortunately, he hadn't been able to obtain a date for the release of the bodies.

"Yeah," Remus replied without looking at me. "It's in nearly three and a half weeks."

"I'd like to go, if you don't mind." I'd never met his grandmother but I'd spoken with his mum a few times and she'd struck me as being an exceptionally kind woman. When she'd asked me how I was doing I'd always been able to tell that she actually cared about the answer.

Remus didn't answer. In the week that had passed since his release from the hospital he'd barely spoken more than two words to me or anyone else. He seemed to alternate between an entirely unaffected emotional state and one of extreme anxiety. I'd done my fair share of research in the library in an attempt to discover more about that mystery potion but hadn't uncovered anything that explained his obvious uneasiness.

"Sirius…" He finally turned towards me. "The full moon is the day after tomorrow."

I cocked an eyebrow. Why was he telling me this? For almost seven years I'd always known the exact date of each full moon. In fact, there were two of them this month. "I know."

"Sirius, I–" He broke off, shaking his head. He was nervous, I realized. He'd been constantly nervous for the past week but right now he was nervous about talking to me, about whatever it was he wanted to tell me. "I don't want you there."

At first I didn't even know what to think. At first I wasn't even sure I'd heard him correctly. He what? The only time he'd instructed me to stay away was just after the Prank because I'd betrayed his trust, betrayed him. What had I done now? I didn't understand. "Remus…why?"

He bit his lower lip. "Please, Sirius, it'll be easier for me this way."

I felt a faint tightening in my chest. It hurt. It hurt not knowing why he was asking this of me. I'd always been there. He'd always assured me that my presence helped, even if we didn't leave the Shack. If I wasn't there he'd be alone. After the incident with Evelyn he'd decided it would be safer if he didn't roam the grounds anymore. The Shack was too small for Prongs and I to be there together but there was enough space for Moony and I to run around a bit and I had continued accompanying him. It was much more difficult for him when he was by himself. He would end up even more injured than was normally the case. Why would he want that? How would that be easier for him?

"A-All right, Remus. I…won't go," I promised him with some difficulty, trying my best to keep from sounding slighted. He already had so much going on. I didn't want him to be worrying about me and I knew that he would. He always worried. Still…I couldn't help but wonder what error I could have committed that was grievous enough as to warrant this reaction on Remus' part.

Mechanically, I climbed to my feet and moved to leave. Was it because I was pushing him to feel something about what had happened to him? Was it because of the things I'd said to him that first day in the hospital wing, when I'd had him detail just how badly he'd been injured? Was it because of how I'd reacted after the confrontation with Snape?

"I'm sorry, Moony," I apologized as I slipped through the doorway. "I'm sorry for whatever I did."

Remus said something as I went but I didn't stop to listen to his words, I just continued on into the common room.

* * *

"Good morning class," Professor Aldwinckle greeted us with a pleasant smile as she strode into the classroom, her spirits apparently a great deal higher then they'd been for the last few months. Lately, all of the professors were quiet, withdrawn, and serious. Fear of Voldemort was spreading very quickly.

"Good morning," my fellow classmates replied halfheartedly.

"Today," she continued as if she hadn't noticed the lackluster response, "We will be reviewing for your exam. If you'll please turn to page 243 of your textbooks, we'll begin by going over the sample questions."

Unenthusiastically, I flipped open the book and started thumbing through the pages. As I did so, I noticed a piece of parchment sticking out from about halfway through the textbook. Curiously, I pulled it out and unfolded it. Automatically, my eyes drifted to the bottom of the page. It was a note from Remus.

_Sirius,_

_You haven't done anything wrong. Please don't feel that you have. Perhaps I could have said it better last night. I want you to be there but even I am not selfish enough to ask you to unknowingly put yourself in even greater danger than usual. I wish I could explain but I can't. I can only ask two things of you. Please believe me when I say it's nothing you've done and please stay away during the full moon. Please._

_Always your friend,_

_Remus_

Quickly, I refolded the note and slid it inside my shirt pocket. Then I found page 243 and pretended to listen as the professor droned on about the material we'd covered at the beginning of the section. My mind, not surprisingly, was somewhere else entirely.

Remus wasn't a liar when it came to these things. He wouldn't sugar-coat the truth just to make me feel better. He hadn't done that after the Prank and he certainly wouldn't do it now. If he said that his request had nothing to do with me or something I'd done, I believed him. There had to be a reason, though. If it wasn't me then it had to be him. What made this full moon different than all the others?


	5. Part Four

Here's part four. Thanks to everyone who is reading, and thank you Nina, nautika, and MBP for the reviews. They're _always_ appreciated! Hope everyone enjoys this next chapter. :)

**~Part Four~**

There were surprisingly few books available on werewolves and the ones that weren't filled with hateful vitriol all contained the same basic information. They explained the ways in which one could become a werewolf, the fact that transformations occurred every month during the full moon, and that there was no cure for the condition. There was absolutely no mention of anything that accounted for how or why this upcoming full moon might be different from the others. It didn't even coincide with any odd astrological phenomenon!

It was the first of two full moons within the same month but that, while not a common occurrence, was certainly not entirely unusual. Having no reason to pay attention to the lunar calendar, most people didn't realize that a blue moon – the second of two full moons during a single month – actually rose every two and a half to three years. All that meant, however, was twice the agony in a single month: two transformations. I knew. I'd been with him the last time it had happened.

I was extremely frustrated when I left the library. That was it. I gave up. I wasn't going to figure this out on my own. If Remus wouldn't tell me I'd have to find someone else who would. While I was sure Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey were both well aware of the nature of the problem I was certain they'd be unlikely to divulge the secret.

Then there was James. He had a way of looking at things that I didn't. He sometimes saw things I missed. In all likelihood he'd be able to come up with something. I wanted to go to him. He was my best mate and I was tired of doing this alone. He'd made his thoughts very clear, though. I was prying. It was time to let Remus be. If he wanted anything from me he'd let me know. No. Prongs wouldn't help me. That left me one option, one I couldn't believe I was considering. Remus' uncle.

Ian studied mythical creatures and reported his findings to the Ministry. Apparently many of the supposedly nonexistent creatures from legends and stories were actually, if not real, at least based in reality. He'd actually discovered five new species of magical creatures. This rather unusual job had first taken him to Africa, South America, New Zealand, and then back to Africa where he was currently living. He'd only taken a couple of days off to visit Remus and see how he was fairing. Now, regrettably, he had returned to his duties. _Fortunately_, if I remembered correctly, he was still in country, doing some research.

There was no doubt in my mind that Ian knew what was making Remus dread the upcoming full moon in a way he hadn't since before I'd discovered his secret. There were, unfortunately, a few things I _wasn't_ sure about. Would Ian receive and respond to the letter before moonrise tomorrow tonight? Would he even agree to help me?

* * *

_Ian,_

_I know that it is strange for me to write and ask for your help – we hardly know each other – but Remus has, of course, told me all about you and what he's told me has given me hope that you might be willing to indulge me. I know that you care a great deal for your nephew. Perhaps, sadly so, more than your brother does. Quite honestly, I'm worried about him. Aside from the obvious blow of losing his mum and grandmother, as well as being viciously beaten, I know he is extremely apprehensive regarding the next full moon. Despite my best efforts I am unable to figure out why. I was hoping you might be able to enlighten me._

_I'm sorry to bother you. Please forgive me if I am out of place._

_-Sirius_

Marking the envelope as urgent, I used a charm to give my owl increased speed and endurance and immediately sent her to deliver the letter before I had the chance to change my mind. I was wrong to do this, I knew. Remus was my friend. I cared about him and wanted to help but he was a private person and was by no means obligated to tell me everything that was troubling him. If there were some things he wanted to deal with on his own or felt he had to deal with on his own, I should accept that. James, if he knew what I'd done, would exasperatedly tell me that. Remus… I wasn't sure how he would react to my going behind his back like this. He wouldn't appreciate it, I knew. He'd probably be quite angry, in fact. Still…there was something inside me, something that told me I had to pursue this.

* * *

"Sirius!" I glanced up when James, Peter, Remus, and Lily all joined me at the Gryffindor table for dinner. "Where were you during class?"

Crap! I hadn't invented a reason to explain my cutting the last two classes of the day. "I wasn't feeling well," I responded with the very first thing that popped into my head, mentally groaning at how cliché it was.

Remus and Lily both looked skeptical but chose not to comment. James, who had known me long enough to know when I was lying, decided to pretend he believed me. "Did you see Madam Pomfrey?" he inquired far too politely.

"Er…no." I used a fork to stab another piece of chicken and set it on my plate. "I spent the afternoon lying down. I'm feeling much better now."

Prongs nearly rolled his eyes. "I see. Good. You might want to clear that with Professor McGonagall, though."

"I will," I assured him. Actually, I'd already run into Professor McGonagall while in the library. She'd scolded me for not being in class but had partially relented when I'd explained that I was doing research for the project that she'd assigned for the last half of the term. She'd launched into a mini-lecture on how her research project was not more important than my other subjects and that I needed to learn how to 'manage my time' but had proceeded to reduce my detention from three hours to two.

I was just about to devour my newly acquired piece of chicken when I noticed my clearly exhausted owl entering the Great Hall. He was carrying what seemed to be a small envelope but looked bedraggled enough for it to have weighed a ton. Not wanting to chance Remus – or anyone else, for that matter – noticing that _I_ was receiving a letter from _his_ uncle, I abruptly pushed my plate away and jumped to my feet.

"Actually," I began rather loudly, "The food seems to be making me a bit queasy. I think I'll just go back to the dormitory."

James smiled bemusedly and nodded. "Right, mate."

"I'll see you all later," I smiled weakly and made a quick exit across the crowded Great Hall, forcing my owl to follow me if he wanted to deliver the letter. "Sorry, Alistair," I apologized when he caught up with me, squawking indignantly, "But I don't want them all to know just how impossible it is for me to mind my own business."

Deftly untying the envelope that was bound to Alistair's foot, I gently stroked his head. "Why don't you just rest for the next few days? I'll give you a treat tomorrow," I promised.

Hooting softly, he gently pecked at my fingers before spreading his wings and rising majestically out the nearest open window and into the warm night sky. I knew he'd be making his way to the Owlery.

Tearing the package open, I pulled out the enclosed letter and quickly read what Ian had written to me.

_Sirius,_

_I understand why Remus described you as stubborn, virtually unable to respect another person's privacy, and willing to do whatever you think is necessary to help your friends. I also understand why he said it was infuriating on one hand but also very admirable._

_You and Remus are very different. He is quiet and withdrawn and you are brash – perhaps too brash for your own good. He needs a friend like you. I would very much like to help you but I'm afraid I cannot break Remus' confidence in me._

_I'm not sure how much my nephew has told you about me. Judging by what you said in your letter, you're probably aware that I was born into an entirely Muggle family. Though I was skilled enough to attend Hogwarts, my parents, fearing that I would be drawn into the "occult" if I studied magic, hid my acceptance letters. When, years later, I developed an interest in mythology and magic, they were dismayed and virtually disowned me. I'm not sure what they thought I was doing. Perhaps, being devoutly Catholic, they feared that I would become ensnared by the devil._

_I tried to make them understand that magic – which I had discovered was quite real – didn't have to be feared and that reading books like "The Ministry's Complete Guide to All Things Dark and Dangerous" didn't mean I was in danger of being sent to hell. Unfortunately, they never approved of my interests and I remained estranged from them for many years. Imagine their shock when my brother – the son they were so proud of – married a witch! They were horrified but I was delighted, especially when I learned about the existence of my nephew. It's been a pleasure to be involved in Remus' life._

_Yes, you are right. I care for him a great deal and do wish I could help you. I think he'll regret his decision to keep you uninformed before all is said and done._

_I'm sorry,_

_Ian._

I stared at the letter in bemused, disappointed confusion. I understood his reasons for not giving me the information I needed. Remus trusted him and he did not want to break that trust. What I did not understand was the rest of his letter. Why had he babbled on about his family? Remus had explained the entire situation to me.

It was very sad that Ian's parents had been so narrow minded and that Ian had had virtually no contact with them or his brother until just before Remus' eleventh birthday when he'd discovered that his brother had married a witch. But why had he mentioned that in an entirely unrelated letter? I wanted to know how to help Remus, I didn't need a recount of his family history.

Unless, of course, it was connected somehow. Shaking my head, I reread the letter. This time I lingered on the part about his parents. He'd mentioned a book. _The Ministry's Complete Guide to All Things Dark and Dangerous_. Why would he have given me that specific title when…

Wait. I'd _seen_ that book in the library! Could it be some obscure way of telling me that the information I was searching for was in that volume? Maybe. Remus had told me that his uncle could be a little bit…unorthodox. It was certainly worth investigating.

* * *

"Oh, shit," I murmured under my breath as I shut _The Ministry's Complete Guide to All Things Dark and Dangerous_ and dropped it into the 'to be shelved' basket. I never _wanted_ to discover that this full moon was going to be different – be worse – than the others. I never _wanted_ to find that the potion they had given Remus to stop his internal bleeding was going to cause serious problems. I had suspected something was wrong – had _known_ something was wrong – but I never wanted to be right. And I certainly never wanted it to be this _bad_.

For Merlin's sake, didn't Remus have it hard enough already? He was a werewolf. His father would barely speak to him because of his condition. People hated him. He'd been teased and bullied his entire life until coming to Hogwarts. Twice – once when he was little and once just over a week ago – he'd been attacked and nearly killed. His mum and grandmother were _dead_. And now…this.

Merlin. It was worse than I ever would have imagined. No wonder he was so restless. He was probably terrified. Terrified of what would happen. Terrified of what he'd do. Terrified and _alone_.

Well, I certainly couldn't do anything to change what was to come but I _could_ make sure he didn't endure it by himself. All I had to do was convince him not to push me away. I'd promised not to be there tonight and I would keep my word if he asked me to but hopefully, _hopefully_ now that I knew, he would reconsider.

* * *

When I entered the dormitory I found James and Remus on their respective beds. Remus was staring out the window at the rapidly darkening sky with solemn eyes that almost concealed his growing alarm and fear. James was lying on his back reading an old copy of Quidditch Pro.

Damn. Moonrise was in less than an hour. I didn't have time to wait for Prongs to leave and I didn't think Remus would appreciate my discussing this in front of him. I'd have to get rid of him somehow.

"'Lo Sirius," James greeted me with equal parts amusement and annoyance. "I see you're feeling better since dinner."

Dinner? Oh. Right. I'd claimed the food was making me sick. "Yeah, much," I grimaced slightly as I lied, yet again, to my best mate. I'd explain later. I wouldn't be able to explain everything since I doubted Remus would want the others to know but I'd explain enough for him to understand.

"Look, I ran into Lily on the way in here," I tried to sound as convincing as possible. "She's asked me to have you meet her by the lake."

At first it was as if James hadn't heard me. Just when I was considering repeating myself, he slowly set aside his magazine and sat up so that he was cross-legged on the center of his bed. Even then he didn't immediately prepare to leave. He just stayed there. Watching me.

After what must have been at least two or three minutes, he shook his head and jumped onto the floor. Stopping right in front of me, he met my gaze squarely and spoke very calmly without a trace of frustration. "Next time just ask me to leave."

Swallowing, I fought the urge to close my eyes. He was right. I didn't have to lie to him. The first time, in the Great Hall, was excusable because Remus had been there and I couldn't have very well admitted to doing research in relation to him with him sitting less than three feet away. Creating an excuse to kick Prongs out of our room wasn't. Nodding once, I conveyed my apology in silence, knowing he'd see it in my eyes.

James smiled slightly before leaving and shutting the door behind him.

Silently, I moved to stand beside where Remus was sitting on his bed. He didn't shift away from the window or even glance at me but he had to know I was here. Remus was just like that. If he was troubled or deep in thought he'd wait for the other person to begin the conversation even if it was obvious that other person wanted to speak with him.

"Remus." I tried to get him to look at me but he kept his eyes trained on the night sky. "I think people are more afraid of werewolves than I ever realized," I started mildly, unsure of how to let him know that I knew. "Apparently the Ministry goes to great lengths to keep certain information under wraps. They can't keep it entirely secret but they don't exactly announce it either. It's in certain publications. You just have to know where to look."

Moony stiffened quite visibly. He didn't respond in any other way but I could tell that he knew. At that moment, he knew. He knew I'd found out. Anything either of us said after this point would almost be unnecessary. It'd be like a dance we both knew the outcome of. I didn't have to elaborate or explain any further even though I wanted to, if only to get it all worked out in my head.

Instead I settled for asking a deceptively simple question. "Is it true?"

Remus seemed to visibly sag. He didn't relax so much as shrink into himself. "Is it true?" he repeated in what would have passed for a calm tone if I didn't know him so well. Unfortunately, I _did_ know him well and I could hear the annoyance and anxiety. "Is it true that if two full moons fall within the same month I have to take a potion every day between the first and second full moon? Is it true that if I don't take the potion the wolf will consume me – will take control of my thoughts and actions so that I'm nothing more than an animal in human form?" He said all of this very quietly. It was his way.

"Is it true that this potion, while wonderfully allowing me to preserve my sanity, is very dangerous and can't be taken in combination with certain other potions without having deadly results? Is it true that the Osane Potion – the one they gave me to stop the _internal bleeding_ – is one of those potions?" Finally, he faced me, eyes frightened and almost begging me to help him, begging me to just make all of his problems disappear. "Is it true that unless this…_supplementary_ potion Madam Pomfrey gave me actually works I'll just…watch my humanity slip away? Is that what you're asking me?"

I swallowed. "Remus…"

"Is that what you're asking me, Sirius?" he pressed, dropping his tone even further.

He wasn't angry with me. I knew that. It was just coming out now because I was the person he was talking to, the person that was forcing him to talk about something he'd rather forget. He was angry at the entire situation. He was tired of being a werewolf and having to deal with all it entailed. Mostly, he was just scared. On one hand I hated seeing that, on the other I was relieved to know he was _feeling_ something. Even if it had nothing to do with his mum, grandmother, or the attack, at least he was feeling something.

He shook his head regretfully and purposefully took a few moments to regain his composure. "Yes," he admitted, "It's true."


	6. Part Five

Thanks you Nina, MBP, m. h. cullen, and MarzaPanda – MarzaPanda, thanks for the comment on the pacing – it's always hard when you're the writer to know how much patience people will have with build up. It's actually a big concern in my original novel and I appreciate the reminder of how important that is.

On a random side note, Nina, my great aunt's nickname is Nina so I smile every time I see your name on a review. :)

Here's the next part, hope you all like it.

**~Part Five~**

"Why didn't you tell me?" The words slipped out before I could stop them. Immediately, I wanted to take them back. I hadn't meant to sound accusatory or resentful. He didn't have to talk to me; he didn't have to tell me anything at all.

"I wanted to." He didn't appear to be bothered by the question, had probably even expected it. "I was just…scared." He silently slipped off of his bed and stood so that we were level. "It's different to see me turn into a wolf and lose control of myself. When I hurt you or one of the others, when I hurt myself, you can just say it wasn't me. It was the animal, not me."

I wasn't entirely certain what he was getting at so I waited.

"If the supplementary potion doesn't work I'll…lose it. It'll be just the same as when I'm a wolf except that I won't be one. I'll still be me. If I hurt someone, it'll be as myself." He sounded tormented. "I thought… I was worried that might make you and the others…see things differently."

"Remus!" I protested vehemently, understanding. "No! You're my friend and this…this curse that's," I gestured indistinctly, "_ensnared_ you is not your fault. If the wolf takes control it doesn't matter if you've transformed or not. It's not you and whatever you do is not your fault."

He smiled without mirth. "It's not so easy to draw that line when it's my own body, my own hands…"

It was never easy for him. Even when he transformed it wasn't easy for him to not feel guilty for things he did as a wolf. "It doesn't change anything for me, Remus."

He made a noncommittal sound.

"Remus," I grabbed his shoulder and shook him a little so that he'd listen to me, _really_ listen to me. "No matter what happens I won't think you're a monster."

I could tell he wanted to step back but space wouldn't permit him – the edge of his bed was pressed up against his lower legs. Forcing himself to stay still, he searched my eyes for the truth in my words. When he found it – found my conviction – his mask of worry and fear faded a little and gratitude inched its way into his emerald gaze. Taking a deep breath, he nodded slightly.

Releasing my hold on him, I stepped back and gave him some space. "Now…what are the chances of this potion working?"

He shook his head helplessly. "I don't know. It's a weaker version of the potion I should be taking. It won't…be the same. Normally, when I take the Branimir Potion I feel entirely normal. If this other potion works it'll just…subdue the wolf slightly. The urges, the _madness_, will still be there but I might have some chance of staying in control."

Well then. That was what we'd have to hope for.

"It'll work," he stated with a conviction he truly didn't feel. "It has to. It needs to. If it doesn't Professor Dumbledore will be forced to restrain me for the entire month. I won't be able to go to the funeral."

The funeral. Of course. "How soon will you know?"

"I can't say. I've never done this before." Muttering something I couldn't understand he brushed past me. "I have to go." It was a simple sentence but it was almost waveringly spoken. "Moonrise is in a half hour."

"Remus?" I questioned, knowing that he was just trying to escape and that he didn't need to leave quite yet.

He didn't turn around when he answered. "The full moon transformations… I can do those. They're not easy but they're… _familiar_. This… I've never not been able to take that potion before. I've never had to face being… _me_ and not being able to control my actions. I'm not sure that I can do this."

I wanted to assure him that he _could_ because he was strong and capable but I knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear so I instead asked, "Do you still want me to stay behind?"

He didn't look at me. "No. Of course not. I never wanted that. It doesn't matter, though. Sirius…I can't let you come. I don't know what's going to happen after the transformation. From experience I know that the madness doesn't set it right away. I'll have time to take that other potion but after that… I don't know how I'll…behave. I just don't know."

"If you don't know then obviously I have even less of an idea but Remus, it can't be worse than how you are as a wolf." He _wanted_ me to come. He didn't want to be alone. That was all that mattered. "If Padfoot can handle himself against Moony I think he'll do okay against you."

He was faltering. I knew he was. "You promise not to transform back until I tell you too?"

"Remus, I–"

Abruptly, he spun to face me, eyes vivid and full of emphatic emotion. "Do you promise?" he demanded. "Sirius… I can't be worrying about you tonight."

I nodded once.

"Say it," he urged more softly. "If you say it, I'll hold you to it."

It was his way of letting me know how furious he'd be if I broke my word. It was his way of letting me know he wouldn't tolerate it. "I promise."

* * *

The wolf was strangely calm that night. He ran around and scratched me up a bit but spent most of the six hours lying in a corner of the room, head resting on his front paws. When moonset arrived and transformed Remus back into a young man I found myself surprised at how uninjured he was, at how uninjured we both were.

As always, Remus lapsed into an unresponsive, listless state in which he was entirely unaware of his surroundings. Normally I would have started treating his wounds during this time but seeing as how he'd only suffered a few scratches and I had given him my word to remain a dog until he deemed it safe, I instead retrieved the potion he was supposed to take as soon as he was able.

Usually, Remus kept all of his things locked inside a cupboard so that the wolf wouldn't destroy them. His wand and clothes were safely hidden there. The potion, however, was in a small, tightly sealed flask that I'd managed to stick between two floor panels. As a dog it was a little tricky prying it loose but when I did I carried it – in my mouth – over to where Remus was, knees drawn to his chest and back against the cold wall.

He was still utterly motionless so I curled up around his feet and waited. A few minutes later I felt a movement in his muscles and a hand fell to my nape. "Padfoot," he choked out weakly, petting my fur.

Wagging my tail, I stood up and pressed my nose against his shoulder.

Coughing, Remus held out a single, slightly trembling hand and I carefully dropped the flask into it. Lifting it, he pulled the stopper loose and drank all of the silvery liquid in one forced gulp. Judging by the way his face contorted as he very nearly gagged on the potion, it tasted horrible.

After making a noise that accurately expressed that sentiment, he shuddered and closed his eyes. "I don't know how long it will take for the wolf to begin manifesting itself. According to what I've read and what Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey told me, it shouldn't be long. Just a few minutes. Once that happens, it should become apparent whether or not I'll be able to stay in control. If the nurse hasn't heard from me in an hour, she's to contact Dumbledore and have him come down here to…subdue me."

If I'd had a mouth capable of forming English words I would have considered reminding him that I _had_ been here – hiding safely under James' Invisibility Cloak – when Madam Pomfrey and him had gone over all of this. He had to remember that, though. Maybe he was just saying it so that he'd have something to concentrate on besides his apprehension.

Not knowing what else to do, I leaned back on my haunches and instinctively pushed my face against his arms. When he grabbed a handful of my fur with fingers that dug into my flesh, I stayed still and silent, giving him something to hold onto as we waited because that was all we could do. Wait.

* * *

I couldn't stifle the whining bark I let out when Remus' fist abruptly tightened around my nape. Despite my instinctual desire to pull away, I forced myself to stay at my friend's side as tremors wracked his body. His shaking only lasted a handful of seconds though, instead giving way to a stiff tension that froze him in place for considerably longer.

His heart was pounding. I could feel the pulse of it in his fingers, against my skin. They were also cold and slicked with sweat. I could smell it on him. The adrenaline, the fear, the consuming anxiety. Now he was trembling again, though not as badly as before. This time it lasted longer, lasted until some of the tension drained from his limbs and his heartbeat slowed.

I wanted to ask him how he was doing.

Slowly, his grip relaxed. Ruffling my fur, he murmured a low apology for having hurt me. The words were barely audible, barely intelligible, and I heard a slight strain in them, like he had something he was afraid of letting go. He seemed okay, though. More determined than scared.

"All right, Sirius." He climbed to his feet and examined the cold ruin that was the Shrieking Shack. "I'm all right."

All right? That was it? That was all? Just some shaking and a rush of adrenaline? I wasn't sure what I'd been expecting. Something more visible and obvious, I supposed. An outward sign that the wolf had emerged within him but that he was keeping it at bay. It was a foolish wish, I realized, but this seemed…easier than I would have imagined. Of course, perhaps it hadn't been so easy. How was I to quantify Remus' internal struggle?

Transforming back into myself, I slowly climbed to my feet. Remus was standing motionless in the center of the mutilated room, with his back facing me. Realizing he was distracted, I found the key to the cupboard and unlocked the well worn door. The small storage closet was empty except for Remus' clothes, his wand, and James' Invisibility Cloak. Grabbing hold of everything inside, I returned the key to the nail that hung out of harm's way. Then I came to stand next to Moony and handed him his clothing.

Wordlessly, he took each proffered item and dressed himself. When he was finished, I slipped under the Invisibility Cloak and we left the Shack, walking in silence down the dank, narrow passage that would lead us back to the tree. At one point, after I stepped on a branch that cracked in half, he smiled reassuringly in my general direction and nodded as a way of letting me know that I didn't have to worry.

I didn't ask him if he was truly okay. He was in control for now. That much was obvious. Whether he was having a hard time of it, I really couldn't say. I knew that this would be a constant battle. The wolf – the dark mass of primal fury inside him – was there. It wasn't something that, defeated once, would scurry away like a frightened puppy. Remus would have to struggle with it continuously for the next month and I suspected that his calmness, his quiet assurance that he was okay, was, while not a lie, an exaggeration.

What that meant, I wasn't sure. Would he prevail over the madness these two full moons wrought in him or would the strain of this struggle become too much for him to handle? Would he remain the friend I cared for so deeply or would he change and somehow become animal-like and dangerous?

* * *

Relatively normal. Those were the two words that best described the next few days. I was constantly concerned and doing my best to inconspicuously keep on eye on Moony but had so far noticed nothing unusual. He continued through his routine as impassively as if two of his family members hadn't died and he himself hadn't nearly been killed. There were no signs of his control slipping and if it hadn't been for one rushed conversation between classes, when Remus pulled me aside into an empty hallway for an exchange of words he didn't want anyone else to hear, I might have actually been able to convince myself that this was a month like any other month.

"Are you the only one who knows?" Remus demanded as soon as he made sure that no one was in sight or earshot.

"Excuse me?" I whispered back.

"About me," he clarified. "Did you and James discover it together or are you the only one that knows about the potions and the blue moon?"

"James and the others don't know. I found out by–" I wanted to say 'myself' but that wasn't entirely true. "They didn't do the research. I'm the only one."

A fear very similar to the one I'd seen in his eyes during first year, when he'd asked me not to tell James and Peter that he was a werewolf, was just visible in his mostly unreadable expression. "Please make sure it stays that way," he requested.

I wanted to tell him that James and Peter would understand, that they wouldn't turn away from him, but I knew it'd be as useless now as it had been six years ago. I'd kept his secret then, too. While not denying to Prongs that I knew what Remus was hiding, I hadn't responded to his inquiries on what it was either. It had caused a rift to form between us. While I was sure that James, being much older and more mature now, would understand my need to keep a confidence, I didn't relish being in that position again.

There was nothing I could do, though. Remus was my friend. It wasn't my place to go around revealing things about him that he didn't want anyone to know. "I won't tell them. I won't tell James, Peter, or Lily." I paused. "I won't tell anyone."

Remus looked relieved and grateful and I hoped that I wouldn't come to regret making that promise.

* * *

"I don't know, these all look the same to me," I said, setting aside a stack of possible wedding invitation designs. "Why don't you just let Lily pick out one? Girls are good at that sort of thing."

"I know," James spread his hands helplessly. "I told her she should buy whichever ones she wanted but she's insisting that I have some sort of input. That's the only reason I'm so involved in this whole sordid affair. She wants the wedding planning to be equal. Honestly, though," he sighed, "I don't really care. It's not the invitations, the food, or the guest-list that matter. It's–"

"Ending up with the woman that you love," I supplied, suppressing a snicker.

Prongs flushed slightly. "As lame as it sounds…yeah."

My smirk turned to a genuine smile. "I know." He was lucky. Lily was a wonderful person. She was intelligent, kind, and a brilliant witch. She and James fit together perfectly and they both loved each other madly, it was obvious whenever they were together. I was trying to be happy for them. I really was. It was just so difficult because I couldn't forget what was happening in the outside world, couldn't stop thinking about the series of horrible events that we ourselves had recently dealt with. I couldn't stop worrying about what was yet to come.

"That's it," he set aside his own stack of invitation designs. "I can't take anymore of this. I'll…go back through them all tomorrow morning, when I don't have a _headache_."

"Great," I rubbed my hands together and grinned. "This is a perfect time to discuss the _bachelor party_!"

Prongs groaned. "Just make sure that Lily'll still marry me when we're through!"

"Hey, as long as she doesn't find out…"

James sighed dramatically but a grin lit up his face even as he rolled his eyes. I was about to ask him what he thought about renting out one of the pubs at Hogshead when he sobered rather rapidly, as if remembering something he'd rather not.

"What?" I frowned, wondering what I'd missed.

His eyes were serious and intent. "Is Remus all right?"

Damn. Why was he asking me that? "What do you mean?"

"He's just been… I don't know," he shook his head. "Something's different, though. He seems…impatient, edgy, a little…snippy."

I didn't ask him to elaborate, I didn't have to. Now that he mentioned it, I knew he was right. I just couldn't understand why I hadn't seen it before. I'd been watching him so carefully, looking for clues regarding how he was doing because I wasn't sure he'd be entirely honest if I confronted him. How could I have missed the clipped responses and irritated looks?

Maybe… Maybe I didn't want to see them. Maybe I wanted so badly for everything to go smoothly – for the potion to work and Remus to be okay, to not have any problems staying in control – that I let myself miss the signs. Maybe I just didn't want to deal with watching Moony lose this fight. On top of everything he'd already endured it'd just be so hard to see him crumble.

Remus was strong willed, though. He didn't have to lose this fight. So what if he was more touchy than normal? So what if he wasn't as patient or soft-spoken? If that was the only part of the wolf that showed through this month then it'd be no problem. This was all little stuff, nothing along the lines of the madness I'd witnessed during countless full moons. Everything could still work out. Right?

* * *

"Do you think these are the Banshee Vipers?" I looked up from my stack of pancakes when Remus dropped a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ in front of me on the table.

"What?" Peter and James asked together, neither one having a clue as to what he referred.

My eyes fell to the paper. When I saw the headline that flashed across the front page I dropped my fork, not caring that it clattered noisily against my plate. Oh my God. For so long now, people had vanished or turned up dead. Sometimes, perfectly healthy wizards would, from one day to the next, seemingly lose their minds for no apparent reason. They'd show up babbling incomprehensible warnings, wandering aimlessly through the city streets without a clue as to who they were. This, though… This was the highest into the Ministry of Magic that the darkness had penetrated.

"What is it?" Prongs demanded.

Clearing my throat, I read aloud, "Thirty-four year old Michael Rowland Cable, chief adviser to the Minister of Magic, was found dead in his office early this morning. Though he appears to have died of natural causes, some investigators are inclined to suspect foul play. This action could indeed be viewed as a warning, a way of showing the Minister that he, too, is vulnerable." The article was extensive but I didn't continue.

My eyes drifted to the table where all the professors were seated. Very few of them seemed to be speaking and all of them looked extremely worried and…frightened. Even Dumbledore's face was a mask of graveness. The Great Hall itself seemed subdued; everyone was unusually quiet and restrained.

Merlin. Maybe these _were_ the Banshee Vipers. I just didn't want to deal with this right now. Everything was so complicated at the moment. I was too worried about Remus to have things be made worse by shit like this. Why was life always like this? Why did bad things come in droves?

"Wasn't he the one who was attempting to change the legislation and make it easier for werewolves to get jobs?" Peter broke the silence that had fallen over the table.

We all turned to Remus, who was still standing. "Yes, he was. It's interesting that they chose not to mention that. I read the entire article. They talk about all of his achievements and all the wonderful things he had envisioned for the future but somehow the fact that he was a great supporter of werewolf rights – the greatest, in fact – is not seen as important enough to print."

Something about the way he said that, the unbridled bitterness and frustration evident in his tone, made James, Peter, and I all exchange a baffled look. Even before Remus had lost his mum and grandmother he had never expressed himself in quite that manner. Of course the sadness and annoyance regarding how werewolves were treated had always been evident but usually only in his eyes. If it had ever infiltrated his voice it had been carefully constrained, barely noticeable. What he had just said…well, frankly it sounded more like something _I'd_ say.

* * *

It was an inordinately morose day. All of my professors conducted their lessons with an air of forced calmness and a melancholy mood permeated all of my classes. During lunch and dinner everyone's conversations were hushed and didn't venture far from Michael Cable and Voldemort's growing influence in the more powerful Wizarding families – families such as my own.

"The report's just come in," Lily announced as she approached where James and I were sitting, in a corner of the Gryffindor common room. "Cable didn't die of natural causes. It's certain that he was murdered. Someone used a rare potion to poison his coffee."

"Well," I glanced at James gravely, "There was never really any doubt. Do they have any specific suspects?"

Lily shook her head. "No. The poison is very volatile and difficult to make. All that tells them is that it was brewed by an expert. I don't think there's going to be a very thorough investigation either. I overheard Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore talking. It seems that the Minister is trying his best to bury the whole incident."

James and I shared a concerned look. This was worse then we had feared. It was bad enough that the Minister was an intolerant man who had no mind for justice – something we'd seen all too clearly when he'd been willing to summarily execute Remus for Evelyn's murder just because she'd been killed by a werewolf and he was the only registered one in the area. Now it seemed that he might actually be working for Voldemort. Why else wouldn't he want a thorough investigation of who had killed one of his chief advisors?

"I think that–"

"Would you just leave me be!?" Remus' sudden outburst stopped Lily mid-sentence.

Silence descended over all of the people present.

Surprised, the three of us – along with everyone else – looked across the common room to where Remus was, just next to the crackling fire. He'd been sitting there by himself for most of the evening, trying to catch up on all the lessons he'd missed while in the hospital wing. For the most part we'd left him alone but at the moment Peter was standing in front of him.

"I'm not going to waste my time explaining the Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson because you were too lazy to pay attention or too stupid to understand!" Remus continued loudly, angrily, completely oblivious to the attention he was attracting.

Peter, shocked into near silence, mumbled something we couldn't hear but Moony's only reply was to pick up his things and head toward our dormitory. Almost as soon as he left, a murmur of voices hummed in the background as everyone began discussing this extremely uncharacteristic display of Remus'.

James shot me a worried look.

"Poor Remus," Lily murmured, shaking her head. "It looks like everything's finally getting to him."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. It does seem that way." I wanted that to be the case. I wanted it to be the fact that he was dealing with so much awful crap– more than anyone should have to deal with. I wanted it to be that so badly. I couldn't help but wonder, though. How much of this was due to the deaths in his family and his recent attack and how much was due to the ongoing battle he was waging against the terrible beast within?

* * *

After Remus' vocal explosion we all thought it best to give him some time alone so we occupied ourselves for a couple of hours in the common room. At first we discussed at great length the unsettling turn events were taking in the world outside of Hogwarts.

Aside from supporting werewolf rights, Cable had also been one of the few people within the Ministry that had advocated going on the offensive against Voldemort. Others, including the Minister himself, seemed to feel that we needed to wait before rushing headlong into some sort of war. The fact that he had been murdered and that the Minister was avoiding a thorough investigation was further proof that the Ministry was almost entirely inept. Worse, they seemed to be playing directly into Voldemort's hands.

Eventually we all became so downcast that we were forced to turn to happier subjects. Unfortunately, our discussion of what food should be served at Lily's and James' wedding was strained. Finally, realizing it was almost midnight, I excused myself to go and speak with Remus.

Admittedly, I was a little bit nervous upon entering the dormitory. I wasn't sure what I'd find. Had Moony's harsh response to Peter's request for homework help just been a slip or was he actually losing his fight? Would I be confronted with my friend or an animal in my friend's skin?

When I crept through the partially open door I saw that Remus was lying motionless on his bed, eyes closed. I thought he might be asleep but when I took another step forward, causing the loose stones to slide against each other, he blinked and shifted his gaze to observe me. What I saw in those dark green pools of color made me swallow as immense sorrow bloomed within me.

_Remus_.

There were no primal stirrings of emotion in those depths, no fierce wolf peering out through an emerald veil, only quiet fear and a haunting guilt. For all the hours we'd left him alone in here he'd just been torturing himself, tearing himself to pieces over how he'd treated Peter. It was so like him. He blamed himself for so much, refused to forgive himself for so many things.

"It takes all my focus," he spoke so softly that I was forced to take a step forward just to understand him. "I have to fight with all my will to stay here, to not lose myself. If I'm not careful, parts of the wolf start overshadowing my own thoughts and feelings. Peter…" he shook his head, "He surprised me. I didn't see or hear him approach. When he spoke, I reacted with…a level of thoughtless anger and brutality I've only felt during the full moons. I was so…enraged at the interruption, I didn't stop to think how the things I was saying and feeling…weren't me. It came so naturally."

"Remus… I–"

"The line between us is blurring, Sirius. I can't always tell what thoughts are mine," he sounded a little desperate. I felt so helpless. I'd never been through anything like this. How was I supposed to help him? James had told me that sometimes all we could do for our friends was be there but…it just didn't feel right. It didn't feel right that I couldn't do more. "Sirius, I can't always tell what part of me is me and what part is…the wolf."

It was then that I realized why Remus had to beat this. I couldn't believe it hadn't occurred to me before. At first I'd thought that it had to do with him not becoming dangerous. I'd thought that if he couldn't defeat this he might grow violent and…perhaps inhuman. The wolf was an almost entirely vicious creature, after all. If that came out in _Remus'_ behavior…well, I wasn't sure I wanted to know what that would be like.

That was important, of course. It wasn't the real issue, though. If Moony lost control then Dumbledore would have him restrained or locked up until after the next full moon. I didn't want to think about what that would do for Remus' insecurities and self-deprecation. He already doubted himself so deeply. Regardless of how many times I told him that I didn't blame him for when the wolf hurt Padfoot during the full moons, he still faulted himself. It didn't seem to matter that he wasn't responsible, wasn't in control. He still _remembered_ what the wolf did and held himself accountable.

If he failed _now_, if he lost control _now_, while in _human_ form…would he be able to deal with that? Truthfully, I wasn't sure how he would handle it. I wasn't even sure I wanted to find out. I'd hate for him to agonize over not having been strong enough. I'd hate for him to remember that loss of control and blame himself for whatever he might end up doing while in that state.

Things were already so difficult for him. I couldn't stand the thought of them becoming worse. He had to make it. He had to. But could he? It'd only been five days. There were still two and a half weeks left until the next full moon. If it was two and a half weeks of his having a short temper then it wouldn't be a problem but…what if his behavior deteriorated? What then?

The approaching voices of James and Peter distracted my thoughts. Less than a minute later, they entered the room. James maneuvered around me and immediately began preparing to retire but Peter lingered near the entrance for a little while before heading over to his own bed. He was a little nervous, I realized. He wasn't sure what sort of reception he'd receive from Remus.

Moony and I held each other's gazes as Prongs bustled about, clearing his bed and attempting to find clean clothes for the next day. For my part, I was trying to tell Remus that he wasn't alone, that I was here to help, and that it was all right. It was all right that this was so hard, it was all right that he was having trouble, it was all right that he was struggling. None of this was his fault. He was doing his best.

Remus… I wasn't sure what he was looking for in my eyes. Reassurance? Support? Maybe. Or maybe he was just looking for something to hold onto.

"Peter," Moony shifted away from me to face our friend. "I'm sorry. What I said was uncalled for and–"

"Don't worry about it," Wormtail smiled, "I think after everything that's happened you're more than entitled."

Remus was obviously surprised at the level of understanding he was being given but he didn't argue. He just nodded his appreciation. He was relieved, I could tell, to be forgiven so easily, more easily than he'd forgive himself. It'd just been an outburst, a moment of the wolf showing through, but for him it was a loss of identity. For him, slighting a friend because of the beast inside was not something that could be easily forgotten or rationalized. I doubted he'd sleep well tonight, I doubted the worry and self-recriminations would let him.

Again, how would he live with himself if he did something truly violent, truly…ruthless?


	7. Part Six

Hi everyone. I'm sorry I didn't post last week – my car died on me and I got very stressed out during the process of buying a new one.

Marza – thank you for taking the time to explain what you're enjoying about the story, and for your suggestion. I'm glad you're enjoying the details!

Nautika – I think Sirius would have been happier not knowing about the Osane potion too. I wasn't very nice to Remus in this story at all. ;)

2112 – Thanks! Emotion is very important to me in my writing (and in everything I read) so I'm glad it comes through in this story. I'm also delighted that you like 'my' James and Peter – my HP fics focus so much on Sirius and Remus that it was difficult to balance the others and make them seem at all developed.

MBP – I'm glad you're looking forward to the rest of the story, thanks for your reviews and for reading. :)

Nina – Thank you! I sometimes worry that people who start reading the story and like it in the beginning won't like it throughout so it always makes me smile when I get multiple reviews from someone – it's like, 'Yes! They still like it!' Thanks for reading. :)

And now on to the important part…

**~Part Six~**

At first I wasn't sure why I'd woken up. Everything was completely silent. I didn't have to go the bathroom. I didn't have a headache. I wasn't even hungry. I was about to turn over and go back to sleep when I heard the door shut. I froze. Was someone coming in or going out? And what time was it? I sighed. 3:30. In the morning.

Sitting up in bed, I looked across the mostly dark room. Thanks to the moonlight that filtered in through the window I was able to make out the sleeping forms of James and Peter. Of course, I smiled sleepily, I didn't _have_ be able to see Peter. I could hear him snoring, as always.

Not surprisingly, Remus' bed – with the sheets left in a tangled disarray – was empty.

Yawning, I stumbled to my feet and padded to the entrance. Slowly, even though I knew it was unnecessary since James and Peter had a tried and tested ability to sleep through _anything_, I pulled the door open and snuck out into the hallway that connected the boys' dormitory.

Remus wasn't anywhere in sight so I headed towards the common room. When I entered the large, quiet room it took me a few moments to spot my friend in the dark. He was sitting in a comfortable chair in front of the unlit fireplace, apparently staring into the ashes and burnt wood.

"Moony?"

Remus jumped slightly, obviously startled. "What is it, Sirius?" he grated, irritated.

Taken aback, I stammered my response. "I-I was just wondering if you're…okay?"

He laughed dryly. "I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd take a little walk. Is that all right with you or are you going to insist that I tell you what I'm _feeling_?"

I swallowed. "Look, Remus… I know that I'm not a werewolf and that I'll never be able to understand what you're going through but I'm here, I want to help, and…even if I don't understand…I'm trying to."

"How _sweet_," he sneered. "You are brilliant, aren't you? Is that what you want me to say? That you're wonderful and I'm so lucky to have a friend like you?" he scoffed. "Bugger off, Sirius. You don't seem to get it. I'm not a baby. I don't need you to take care of me."

All right then. I bit back my hurt, knowing I was foolish for even feeling it since come morning he'd probably be apologizing for all of this. Obviously he wasn't doing so well. As much as I wanted to help him out I realized that he just wasn't going to listen or be at all receptive. "I was worried when I heard you leave. I hope you get to sleep soon." Since there didn't seen to be anything else for me to do, I moved to leave. "Goodnight, Remus."

* * *

Damn. I couldn't sleep. I'd been awake for hours just trying to shut my mind off. This time it wasn't the image of Remus' broken body that kept rest at bay, it was knowledge. The same sort of knowledge that had hampered my spirit for so long now. Just as I _knew_ that some dreadful disaster was going to strike I _knew_ that Remus wasn't going to make it.

I knew and that was painful to admit. I didn't _want_ to admit it. I wanted to believe that he'd pull through this, that everything would be all right. I couldn't, though. Not really. Soon, terribly soon, he was going to do something I couldn't ignore, couldn't rationalize as being small and unimportant. When that time came I'd have to make a choice. I'd have to decide whether to do what my friend wanted or what I knew was right.

Fortunately, or perhaps not so fortunately, truth reached in the middle of the night was easy to disregard in the light of day and by the time morning dawned I'd managed to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong. Or maybe it was more wishful thinking than anything else.

* * *

My night had been so restless that if James hadn't woken me just before leaving for breakfast I probably would have slept through my first two classes of the day. Even as it was, I was running extremely late. By the time I showered and dressed I was one of the only people left in the Gryffindor dormitory or common room and most of my companions were _returning_ from breakfast.

Not, Remus, though. When I passed through the common room on my way out I was surprised to see that Moony was there, still sitting in front of the fire. Had he really been there all night? I wanted to ask but remembering his scathing remarks I thought it best to let him approach me when he'd had a chance to feel sorry for the things he'd said.

I was about to leave through the Fat Lady when my friend's cool voice stopped me. "Sirius."

I knew from his tone that I wasn't about to be receiving anything that could be considered an apology. I almost wanted to pretend I hadn't heard him – I was hungry and wanted breakfast – but my conscience decided not to let me. He was my friend and he was going through a lot. I could take whatever he had to say.

"Yeah?" I turned around, trying not to appear hesitant.

He'd rearranged himself in the chair so that he could watch me. "Have you told James and Peter?" he wanted to know.

I didn't have to ask what he was referring to. "I promised that I wouldn't," I reminded him. "You don't think I'd go back on my word, do you?"

He smiled disarmingly. "It wouldn't be the first time."

I faltered, taken aback. _That_ I wasn't expecting. He was _trying_ to hurt me. He knew how guilty I felt about having betrayed his secret to Snape. When it'd last come up in conversation he'd assured me several times that we'd put it behind us. As horrible as I would always feel for what I'd done I knew that that was true. Remus wouldn't have lied to me about that. His subtly bringing it up now had nothing to do with any resentment he still harbored. He was just trying to hurt me.

Even though I knew he didn't mean it, that this was the wolf talking, it worked.

Swallowing the dull ache in my throat, I nodded my admission to his statement before wordlessly leaving the common room.

* * *

"Mr. Black?" Professor Chissick stopped me from filing out of his classroom with the other students. "Might I have a word with you?"

"Of course, Professor," I agreed, watching James shrug and go on ahead.

Leaving my books on the desk, I joined the professor in his office.

Professor Chissick shut the door behind me and smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, Mr. Black. Unlike the last time I called you in here, I'm not giving you detention."

Somehow, that didn't make me feel any better.

"I wanted to discuss your friend, Mr. Lupin," he explained. "I'm concerned."

Wonderful. Why was he asking _me_? Why not James? Or Peter? Or even Lily? Lily would know what to say. She had a way with words and with people. What did he expect me to tell him? "His grades have been slipping?" I supplied almost hopefully, praying it wasn't more than that.

He nodded. Chissick was a friendly young man in his mid-twenties. Due to his shortly cropped blond hair and 'enchantingly' blue eyes he was quite popular with the girls. He sometimes alternated classes with Professor Eileen Cowburn and was by far the favorite among both the boys and girls of all the houses. "It's to be expected, considering the magnitude of the losses he's recently suffered. It's not his grades that have me worried, though. At least, not at the moment."

"Oh?" A distinct weight settled in the pit of my stomach. What could Remus have done that'd make a professor concerned enough to speak with his friends?

"Do you know what he said to me this morning when I asked him to identify the properties of Galligan's Sleeping Potion?"

It was a rhetorical question since Remus and I didn't have Potions together. "No, sir." I wasn't certain I wanted to know, either.

"'You're the Potions professor. If you don't know the ingredients of that potion maybe you should go back to school,'" he quoted, imitating a very obstinate tone.

I raised my eyebrows. Not six days ago I never would have been able to imagine Remus saying anything of the kind. Now, it wasn't so hard. "He's been under…a great deal of strain lately, sir."

"Obviously." He almost seemed amused by my statement. "The only reason I bring this to your attention is because you and he are very close friends. I was hoping you might…"

"I'm doing everything I can, sir," I cut in when he paused. "I'm doing everything I can."

Unfortunately, that didn't amount to much.

* * *

All right, where were they? According to Lily, James and Peter had come out here to study. At the moment, I really just needed to spend some time thinking about something other than Remus. It probably wouldn't take much doing to distract Prongs and get him talking about Quidditch or – if worst came to worst – the wedding plans.

"Hey Sirius!" I was shocked when my brother, who was hanging out with some of his oh-so-delightful Slytherin friends not so far away, called out to me.

Regulus had avoided speaking with me at all costs since his admission into Hogwarts. What in the world did he want now? Judging by the sneer on his face and the conniving glint in his eyes, he wasn't looking to be friendly.

"Regulus," I replied neutrally, trying not to look or sound confused.

"How's your _friend_ Lupin?" he inquired, smiling chillingly.

Huh? How was Remus? Was that supposed to be some sort of insult? What that supposed to…annoy me? I didn't understand. Why the hell would he, out of the blue, stop and ask me about Moony in a tone of voice that suggested he was up to something?

"Padfoot!" Distracted by James' bellow, I turned towards the lake and tried to spot him. It wasn't until he flagged me down that I saw Peter and him sitting by the water, a good ways from all the other chatting groups of people. Absentmindedly, I waved back.

Returning my attention to Regulus, I was puzzled and a little disappointed to see that he and his friends were nowhere to be found.

Frowning, I joined Prongs and Wormtail.

"What was that all about?" James asked, obviously having noticed the rather unusual occurrence of Regulus actually talking to me.

"I have no idea," I admitted, shaking my head bemusedly.

* * *

"If it wasn't for the fact that we saw the report ourselves, I'd almost think that Michael Cable is still alive," James remarked somewhat derisively, setting aside the _Daily Prophet_. "It's like they want us to forget he was murdered."

I made a point of not answering. If I didn't want to think about Remus' deteriorating condition, I certainly didn't want to think about the Ministry and Voldemort.

"The Minister is just hoping that by controlling what's printed in the _Prophet_ he'll be able to more easily avoid launching a real murder investigation," Peter pointed out, all-too-happily setting aside his homework. "Did you see how many laws they've passed since his death?"

"What laws?" Prongs eyed the _Daily Prophet_, as if fighting the urge to pick it up again.

Wormtail shrugged. "They don't get specific. At least not in the _Prophet_. It's just weird because they all seem to have something to do with werewolves."

I frowned, finally interested in the conversation. "Werewolves? What about them?"

"No idea. Like I said, they don't say," he seemed annoyed. "They claim the new legislation is for the greater protection of werewolves but…you know the Ministry."

"Yeah, well, Cable was a supporter of werewolf rights. He was probably doing his best to hold up passing the bills." I picked up a rock and threw it lazily into the lake. "Now that he's gone, they've cut even more of their rights."

James nodded glumly. "At least they haven't passed any laws that are of any advantage to Voldemort." Peter winced slightly when Prongs said his name. He was one of the many who had taken to avoiding the use of it. Merlin, couldn't the Ministry see how much of a threat Voldemort posed if people were so afraid of him they wouldn't even use his name? How could they be sitting idly by?

"Still, it's rather odd," Peter continued. "I mean, usually they happily let people know what laws they've passed regarding werewolves. It was on the _front page_ when they made it so that a werewolf has to actually come out and _tell_ any potential employers that he's a 'Dark creature.'"

James and I shared a concerned look. He was right. What sort of legislation was this? Just how much harder had they made things for Remus?

* * *

Remus was speaking with James and Peter when I entered the dormitory. Or rather, they were speaking to him.

"Look, Moony, you don't have to tell us what's wrong," Prongs was saying, "We just want you to know that we're worried about you and…" he blushed, obviously embarrassed, but forced himself to continue. "You're our friend. If there's anything we can do, you know all you have to do is ask."

"Yeah, Remus. I know that we're not Sirius but we do care," Peter smiled and hit Remus lightly on his shoulder.

I raised an eyebrow at Peter's statement but then turned my attention to Moony, wondering what his reaction would be.

Much to my relief, Remus smiled, seeming sincerely pleased. "I know, Wormtail. Thank you, both of you. I really do appreciate it."

James nodded, "Right. Well, that was basically all we…er…wanted to say. We're gonna go meet up with this girl that Peter fancies. She apparently doesn't believe that he saw the Gargoyles live in New York last summer so he needs me for backup."

Remus chuckled.

I nodded to James and Peter as they left the dormitory. As soon as their voices and footsteps faded from earshot, Remus approached me. "Padfoot." He fidgeted nervously with the sleeves of his school robes and I was struck by how uncharacteristic that was of him. "I'm sorry… For last night and this morning. I'm _sorry_."

I was expecting this. It even made me feel a little better to hear, instead of just know, that he hadn't meant what he'd said. I wouldn't forget the words – the subtle reminder about the Prank designed only to cause me pain – but maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't dwell on them either.

It also made me a little sad, though. Here he was, apologizing again. Why did he always have to feel so regretful for everything? He was struggling with something I couldn't even begin to comprehend. A few ill-thought words – words he'd never meant to say and didn't really feel – were hardly something to feel bad about. He wasn't entirely himself, after all. So what if he'd been short tempered with me? There were times that I'd treated him far worse and I didn't have the excuse that I hadn't been completely in control of my actions. "Remus, you've never done or said anything to me for which you've needed to apologize."

He laughed, the sound more miserable than anything else. "That's not true but…thank you." He met my questioning eyes but looked away so quickly that I wondered if he was frightened at what I'd see there. When he opened his mouth and then shut it again it was obvious that he wanted to say more. Instead he turned and retreated to his bed. "I…have a lot of studying to do," he stammered, back facing me.

Biting my lower lip, I hesitated before asking the question I'd rather bury. "The potion's not working, is it Remus?"

A tremor ran through his shoulders and his head dropped slightly. "No," he confessed shakily. "No, it's not."

Damn. If he was admitting it, it was probably worse than I'd realized. "Not at all?"

When he faced me I saw the answer in his eyes. Once so calm, there was now heated darkness lingering just below the surface. It was like anger and wildness were just waiting to explode within him. What was perhaps most frightening of all was how _desperate_ he seemed.

He shook his head. "I thought it was but… I didn't realize. It's not like during the full moons. When I transform, the loss of reason is instantaneous." Even though it was fixed on me, his gaze was distant. "I change and then I'm…gone. This is different, gradual. I'm fighting as hard as I know how but everyday I lose a little bit, everyday I become more of a stranger to myself."

I ran a hand over my forehead and through my hair. "You have to tell Dumbledore."

"No!" he responded with sudden vehemence. "I can't! Sirius, he'll lock me away! He'll have to! The funeral is in a _week_. I have to make it. I _have_ to. It's my mum's service and–" he choked on the words and shook his head. "Please," he begged, "I need to be there."

My eyes drifted shut. What was he asking of me?

"Sirius, promise me you won't tell him. I-I just spoke with him this morning. He… I managed to hold it together." His words were coming quicker now, almost right on top of each other. "He thinks I'm reasonably okay. He can't know the truth. You can't tell him. Promise me you won't."

No. No, Remus… He couldn't ask me that. He couldn't. This was it. The reason I'd overlooked his odd behavior in the beginning even though I only realized it until now. I didn't want to be confronted with this decision. I didn't want to be faced with the choice of biting my tongue and watching Remus lose control or coming forward and watching them drag him away… I didn't want to be the one responsible for all of this.

"I…can't," I opened my eyes to the anguished vehemence on his face. "I won't tell him now but…I can't promise anything beyond that." If it was true that the wolf was gaining more power as we drew closer to the next full moon then Moony's behavior was probably going to worsen. What if he became a danger to himself or others? I couldn't promise something I might not be able to stay true to.

"Sirius…"

"I'm sorry, Remus," I apologized, feeling horrible for having to be in this position. "I'm sorry." Then I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand there and look at his bared emotions. The pleading eyes, fearful expression, and slipping mask of control, were like a knife twisting in my gut. He was my friend. Seeing him like this was killing me. I had to leave.

I had to go.

So I did. I turned and left him alone in the dormitory.

* * *

"Does Remus know what the new werewolf legislation entails?"

James and Peter hadn't returned from seeing that girl that Peter fancied. Lily and I were sitting together in the common room, which was strangely quiet for it being so early. She'd been studying on and off but I'd been sitting in silence, staring at a spot on the wall behind her.

"I didn't ask him," I told her. Truthfully, with everything he was currently dealing with, I didn't want to bring it up. I wasn't even sure he knew about it. Recently he'd lacked the temperament required to read the paper.

Lily's eyes were astute and probing. "Sirius, are you all right? You've seemed very troubled lately."

I smiled at her gentle concern. "Yeah," I decided there'd be no use in denying it. "I have been."

I appreciated that she was worried but I really didn't want her to delve too deeply into this. There wasn't much I could say, after all. I'd promised Remus. Lily was very intuitive, though, very sensitive. She simply smiled slightly and very sincerely told me, "I hope everything works out."

I met her gaze affectionately. "Thanks, Lily."

* * *

"Did you know that over three hundred wizards showed up for Michael Cable's funeral? I guess they didn't realize he supported werewolf rights. I, myself, was pleased to hear about what happened to him."

I recognized Snape's deriding tone immediately and felt a weary anger infiltrate my thoughts. For Merlin's sake. Not again. Couldn't that greasy git devote his time to doing something more constructive? Planning his own suicide, say?

"The last thing we need is another wizard who thinks that werewolves shouldn't have to register or disclose their status as Dark creatures," he laughed. "What a preposterous idea! You'd almost think the man _wanted_ people to get hurt."

When I turned the corner I was confronted with an eerily familiar scene. Snape and Remus were standing at the end of the corridor although this time it was my friend who was facing me. Unfortunately, he still wasn't saying anything in his own defense.

"You'd think that–"

"Do you get off on listening to your own inane prattle or do you actually think that saying all of these things accomplishes some sort of purpose?" Remus demanded suddenly, forcing a smile to my lips even as Snape stiffened in response.

"I'm only reminding you of your place, Lupin," the bastard sneered. "Never forget that the Wizarding world agrees with _me_. It's only a select minority that is deluded enough to think you're harmless and innocent. The rest of us know the truth. You're nothing more than a–"

"A monster? A Dark creature? Something that belongs rotting in Azkaban?" Remus supplied, tone helpful but also somehow dripped in poison.

I frowned, uneasy. There was a sinister glimmer in his eyes. Remus wasn't just exchanging verbal insults, which was in itself unusual, he was…angry. More than angry. There was a spark waiting to ignite and I wasn't sure I wanted to see what would happen when it did.

"An _abomination_," Snape finished scathingly.

Moony's face twisted and contorted with a rage I'd never wanted to see on it. Before I even had time to blink, he'd grabbed the Slytherin by his robes and thrown him against the hallway wall. Drawing his arm back, he very nearly grinned as he tightened his fingers into a fist and swung it viciously into Snape's face several times.

"Wrong answer," he hissed at his very startled opponent. Then he grabbed Snape's robes again and heaved, this time sending him careening to the floor. When he drew his leg back and kicked the bloody-nosed arsehole in the stomach, I sprinted forward. As much as I would love to see Snape beaten to a pulp for the things he had said to Remus, I couldn't watch my friend do this. Remus was kind and thoughtful. When he was annoyed or hurt he concealed it well. When he responded to Snape's hate it was with carefully crafted words, not insults and physical attacks. This person who could so easily beat up Snape was not Remus. It just wasn't Remus.

"Moony!" I yelled, seizing my friend by the shoulders and forcefully pulling him back. "Stop!"

Remus struggled against my grasp with a ferocity that surprised me into releasing him. Shooting me a disbelieving look, he was moving to kick Snape again when I took hold of his arm and used my weight to drag him off-balance.

Pushing off against the hallway wall, he stopped himself from falling and spun to face me. "What's your problem, Sirius?" he growled.

I glanced down at Snape. When he finished coughing and gasping for breath, he stared at Remus with something akin to utter shock. Blood was tricking from his nose. His lip was cut. Though concealed by his clothing, I was sure his stomach was bruised and even bleeding.

"Get out of here," I suggested coldly.

Slowly, he got to his feet and wiped some of the blood from his face. "You've proved my point, Lupin. You're nothing but an animal," he spat out one last insult before walking away.

Remus, still more furious then I'd ever seen, tried to follow but I put myself directly in his path and shoved him back into the wall. "Get a hold of yourself," I told him. "What are you doing?"

When Moony sized me up with cold, brutal eyes I was barely able to find a trace of the gentle, peaceful person I was pleased to call a friend. It was hidden, all but buried, amidst a tumultuous sea of ferocity and ire. I even felt an inkling of fear but as I watched, the violent emotion faded slightly, gradually giving way to confused mortification. His face lost the warped, angry look and softened to one of dread and disbelief.

Taking a deep breath, he shook his head and tried to speak. "I… He was– And I couldn't– I looked at him and I couldn't–"

I swallowed at the pleading vulnerability in his broken words. I wanted to take away all the pain and fright but all I could do was stare at him and clumsily offer my support. "Can I…help?"

"Tell me who I am," he requested distantly. "Just tell me who I am now." Without waiting for a response he slipped past me and continued slowly down the hallway. I watched until he turned out of my sight and then leaned forward until my head was resting against the wall.

Until a few minutes ago, his behavior, while certainly out of the ordinary, hadn't been dangerous. Now… He'd _attacked_ Snape. I wasn't sure I wanted to think about what more he would have done if I hadn't stopped him. This showed me in terms I couldn't deny that Remus was not okay. He was losing. He was losing _himself_. There was still so much time left before the next full moon. Just how viciously would he be acting when it rolled around?

I was worried about how he would feel for having failed. I was worried about the needless guilt he'd surely carry. On the other hand… If I didn't do something now he might have something to _really_ feel guilty about. He'd already hate himself for having hurt Severus, how would he feel if I did nothing and he ended up…well, actually seriously harming someone? Wouldn't it be better for him to deal with the thought of having failed rather than the thought of having put someone in the hospital wing?

I _had_ to do something. Only… The funeral was in a week. One week. How could I deny him the opportunity to go? It was his mum's funeral. His grandmother's funeral. He loved them both dearly. Aside from his uncle, they were the only real family he had. His father didn't count. For Merlin's sake, the only reason he'd even found out when the funeral was being held and the reason for its original delay was because his _uncle_ had told him! Considering that, it wasn't as if his father would postpone the service until next month. Certainly not for Remus, at least.

If I told Dumbledore how precarious Remus' situation really was, the Headmaster would be forced to take serious action. He'd _have_ to confine Moony somewhere, for his own safety as well as that of others. How would I ever face my friend again, knowing I was responsible for not allowing him to attend the funeral? Would _he_ ever want to have anything more to do with me? What if he always held it against me? What if he always wondered whether he would have pulled through if I hadn't gone behind his back and sold him out?

Remus was one of my best friends. I loved him. I'd been _miserable_ during the months following the Prank because of the thought that I might have permanently ruined our friendship. If Remus never forgave me for turning him in I _would_ lose him.

Merlin. Was there any way I could get out of making this decision? Dumbledore had arranged to meet with Remus every other day to see how he was doing. This morning Moony had somehow convinced him that he was holding it all together. That meant that the Headmaster would speak with him the day after tomorrow. Could I risk waiting for that meeting and hope that Dumbledore would see the truth? Could I risk Remus doing something worse before then?

Oh God, what was I thinking? I couldn't wait on Dumbledore. I couldn't sidestep the issue and hope someone would make the decision for me. _I_ had wanted to know what Remus was so concerned about in relation to the last full moon. Well, now I knew and because I knew I had a choice to make. It was my own fault that I was in this situation. I'd wanted to help my friend. What if telling Dumbledore the truth was the only way to actually do that?

But the damned funeral was so soon. A week. _One_ week. He'd managed to come this far already. Couldn't he go a bit further? But what if he couldn't? What if while waiting for the funeral he really did do something he wouldn't be able to live with? He'd never just accept that he hadn't been in control of his own actions and leave it at that. He'd despise himself forever if he truly hurt someone and I…I'd be partially responsible for allowing it to happen. Was attending that funeral worth the risk?

But what if I went ahead and made the decision that he'd failed and I was wrong? What if, without my interference, he'd be just fine until the service? After all, he'd said the potion wasn't working at all. That meant he'd done all of this – controlled the wolf for so long – on his own. That was amazing and I couldn't forget it. Considering that… Could he make it? Was there any chance…at all? It didn't seem likely but Remus was strong, I didn't want to give up on him. I was his friend. After all he'd been through, after all he was going through, how could I do that to him? How could I rip my support away?

I groaned.

What was I going to do? What was I going to _do_?


	8. Part Seven

I'm soooo sorry I didn't post last week! My old car gave me some unexpected problems (started leaking radiator fluid) and instead of being able to sell it at a calm pace, I had to get rid of it ASAP because of it being an environmental hazard to my apartment complex! Anyhow, that totally stressed me out at the end of last week. Then I spend the whole weekend at a workshop. So… Yeah. Anyway. I'm sorry to make you guys wait two weeks.

I'm in a hurry now, too, so I won't be able to respond to your comments the way I wanted to. Thank you to MarzaPanda, Nina, MBP, nautika, and 2112, for taking the time to read and review. I'm so glad you're enjoying the story.

**~Part Seven~**

When I found James – a task made easy by the Marauder's Map – he was sitting on a bench near the lake. Lily was lying on the same bench with her head in his lap. Prongs had a book in hand while his fiancée appeared to be drifting off to sleep. Neither noticed my presence until I was standing over them.

James looked up from his book when my shadow fell over it. "Sirius?" Over a decade of being my best mate hadn't left him without the ability to read me. He'd seen a forlornness in my eyes, on my face, that had told him something was wrong.

There was so much I wanted to say to him. I wanted to sit down and explain the entire situation, explain what Remus was going through, so I could then ask for his advice. I wanted him to know what was wrong and have him just tell me what to do. I wanted things to be simpler than they were, like they'd been during first year when I would have been approaching him in hopes of pulling off some amazing prank. To think there'd been a time when my life had revolved around 'amazing' pranks.

"I don't know what to do." It was all I could say. I wasn't even sure why I'd come to him. I'd given Remus my word. I couldn't tell Prongs what was happening, I couldn't tell him anything that would allow him to give any sort of informed suggestion. He was my best friend, though. I didn't know who else to turn to.

James frowned, hand falling to Lily's hair.

"I just…don't know what to do," I repeated dumbly.

After studying me with sympathetic, un-annoyed eyes, he gently roused Lily from her half slumber. "I'm sorry," he apologized, "I've got to go. Sirius needs my help with something. I'll come back when we're finished."

Her smile, though a bit sleepy, was bright and understanding. "Go on," she urged, sitting up and flicking the tumbling locks of her red hair out of her face. "If I'm not here when you're finished I'll be in the common room."

Pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek, he murmured something I couldn't hear before standing and following me away from the lake. I could feel his questioning gaze but he didn't press me and we walked in silence until we reached the perimeter of the deadly Whomping Willow. It was there that I stopped to face him. "I'm sure you've noticed that something isn't…quite right with Remus."

"Just about everyone's noticed, Sirius," he remarked, not unkindly. "Don't worry. I'm probably the only person – aside from Remus himself – who realizes that you know what's wrong with him."

I wasn't surprised that Prongs had figured that out. I _was_ surprised that he hadn't mentioned it, until now. I was glad too. I hadn't been looking forward to telling him that I'd have to keep it a secret from him because I'd been sworn to secrecy. I didn't like withholding this from James. He was my best mate, after all.

"Remus can be a very private fellow," Prongs continued. "I'm sure he asked you not to tell me or Peter. What I'm not sure of is how I can help you since I don't know what the problem is. Don't get me wrong. I'm not daft. I know it has something to do with his being a werewolf."

No, James certainly wasn't daft.

"Remus is…" I struggled for a way of describing the problem. "He's in danger." Before James could get the wrong idea and become alarmed, I rushed to continue. "He's in danger because of himself and he's a danger _to_ himself…possibly to others as well. There's no way I can help him, Prongs. There's nothing I can do, except…the one thing he asked me not to."

God, he'd hate me. Remus would hate me for making it so that he couldn't go to that funeral. He loved his mum _so much_. He'd never forget that I'd been the reason he hadn't been able to attend, that _I'd_ been the one that had decided he wasn't going to make it, wasn't going to be able to defeat the wolf.

"I just don't know what to do," I repeated uselessly.

"Yes you do," James surprised me. "Of course you know what to do. You wouldn't be so stricken if you didn't. You already know what the sensible thing to do is. You're just afraid to do it, afraid of his reaction."

I was afraid of losing my friend.

"Sirius, I can't tell you what you want to hear. I can't tell you that you should just ignore whatever's wrong with Remus because that's obviously what he wants you to do." He shook his head. "Listen to what you're trying to convince yourself is wrong. Don't do what's easy to preserve your friendship with Moony. Don't do what you know you shouldn't. Just do what's right."

He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Just do what's right."

_Just do what's right_. The right thing was to get him somewhere where he wouldn't be of harm to himself and others, somewhere he'd be safe. Maybe even somewhere they could give him a sedative that would knock him out for the remainder of the moon's cycle. I just hoped he'd understand once he was himself again. I just hoped he'd understand the position I'd been in and the choices I'd made because this was something that I had to do. I had to turn him in.

* * *

I thought that telling Dumbledore about Remus' true condition would be difficult but it wasn't. Not really. _Making_ the decision was difficult. Finding Professor McGonagall and insisting that I _needed_ to see the Headmaster immediately was difficult. Following her to his office and climbing up the spiral staircase was difficult. Actually telling him… Well, once I got started that was surprisingly easy. By forcing myself to focus on the words that I was saying, on stringing them together and explaining the situation, I was able to temporarily postpone my guilt.

If complete silence hadn't followed my tale I might have even made it out of his office before that guilt struck. Unfortunately, Dumbledore said nothing throughout my entire narrative, nor did he comment once I finished. That left me sitting in front of his desk unable to do anything save stare at him and contemplate what I'd done.

I'd never promised Remus that I wouldn't go to Dumbledore if his behavior became too dangerous but I still felt as if I'd betrayed his trust, betrayed him. I was his _friend_ and I'd turned him in. I felt like a tattletale. I felt like Remus would have every right to never speak to me again.

"I really must apologize to you, Sirius," Dumbledore surprised me when he finally spoke. "This dilemma should never have fallen to you. It was my responsibility to carefully observe Remus' behavior and determine whether his capacity for rational thought and action were compromised." The Headmaster sighed, eyes sad and remorseful.

I was truly taken aback. I didn't expect this at all.

"I did not expect the potion to work but I _hoped_ it would. I'm afraid I allowed that hope to cloud my judgment. I simply did not want him to have to endure what will surely follow."

"Sir?" Something told me he wasn't talking about the descent into madness that would occur if Remus completely lost his ability to stay in control.

"The Ministry has very strict regulations involving werewolves just prior to a blue moon," he explained, seeming to age with every sentence spoken. "I will be forced to report that Remus is not safe and as soon as I do he will be removed from my care. I've argued the matter at length with the Minister but to no avail."

Oh no. "They're not going to take him to the Werewolf Confinement Center, are they?"

Dumbledore nodded.

"You can't let them do that!" I protested, horrified. "I've _seen_ that place! It's nothing more than a glorified prison! It's _filthy_ and reeks of blood and bile. The guards _hate_ werewolves and show no compunction in beating them!" When Remus had been arrested for Evelyn's murder they'd put him in that horrible place and I'd visited him there… I would never forget how disgusting it was. I would never forget how it had seemed to suck the very life out of Remus. If they imprisoned him there _now_, with him in such a horrible mental state…

"Believe me, I am well aware of that fact. Unfortunately, even my substantial influence cannot change the fact that–"

"People hate werewolves," I finished angrily, shaking my head in disbelief. This couldn't be happening. What had I done? How could I be responsible for Remus being trapped in the Confinement Center again?

Sighing, I forced myself to calm down. "How long before they come for him?"

"Once I contact them, less than an hour."

"Do you…er…_have_ to tell them? Can't we just…lock him up in the Shack?" I couldn't believe I was suggesting this to the _Headmaster_ but I was desperate. I simply couldn't imagine Remus in that place. Not again. Not because of me.

He smiled at the suggestion. "It will go worse for Remus if the Ministry discovers that he participated in an attempt to hide the true nature of his condition. It is simply not worth the risk."

"What? They'll lock him away in Azkaban?" I'd said it sarcastically but realized it was the truth as soon as I shut my mouth. Merlin. The Ministry's policies regarding werewolves were entirely screwed up, weren't they? It was amazing what fear and intolerance could do.

"Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Sirius," Dumbledore effectively ended our conversation. "I am sure it cannot have been easy for you."

Nodding, I stood and prepared to leave his office. It was strange. The last time I'd sat at this desk had been after the Prank. He'd been as grave then as he was now. At the time I'd thought that I'd never felt worse emotionally but I felt just as guilty and drained now as I had then.

Why couldn't things ever be simple? I was taking the only course of action really available to me and Remus was going to be thrown in the Confinement Center and miss his mum's and grandmother's funeral because of it. Sure, he wouldn't have the opportunity to hurt anyone but instead of being in a place where people would understand and treat him with sympathy he'd be in one where the guards would all too happily watch him die.

I'd done the right thing. I _had_ done the right thing. So why did I feel so terrible?

* * *

The easiest thing would have been to go and hide somewhere until after Remus was taken away. It was certainly what I was tempted to do, what I _wanted_ to do. It would have been the simplest thing in the world to go for a long walk or disappear into one of the many hidden passages and rooms that littered Hogwarts. Sadly, by now I'd learned that the _easiest_ course of action wasn't necessarily the best one.

Remus was my friend and he deserved to hear what I'd done from my own mouth. I owed him that. So here I was, standing in our dormitory, staring at a completely oblivious Moony who was apparently trying to study. Merlin. How was I supposed to do this? When I'd told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow part of the punishment Dumbledore had given me was to admit to Remus what I'd done. Until now, it'd been the hardest confession I'd ever had to make. I hadn't known what to say then either. In the end, I'd just told him what I'd done and hated myself for how deeply I'd hurt him.

I supposed all I could do now was the same thing.

"Remus." My tone was so choked that he didn't even hear me. "Remus."

Looking up from his Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook, he met my gaze. He looked calm enough – normal enough – but I could tell that his hands were trembling and that he was standing on a rickety old bridge that could collapse at any moment. I had the unshakable sensation that _I_ was the one that was about to pull that bridge out from underneath him.

Swallowing, I took a deep breath and forced myself to simply say it. "I told Dumbledore that the potion's not working." When I'd explained the Prank to Remus I'd expected him to be angry and perhaps yell at me but he'd barely said anything at all. He'd just _looked_ at me with so much hurt in his eyes that it had been hard for me to bear. Under normal circumstances I could have anticipated a similar response but considering how much the wolf was affecting his behavior I wasn't sure what his reaction was going to be.

I jumped when Remus took the textbook and threw it against the wall. He was shaking. His entirely body was shaking. When I saw the level of irrational anger that burned in his eyes my nervousness was rapidly replaced by fear. A rush of adrenaline quickened my breathing and the pace of my heart but even the painful tightening in my chest didn't spur me into action quickly enough.

I'd barely drawn my wand when Moony leapt off his bed and viciously knocked me to the ground with a rough push to the stomach. Stumbling back, my feet fell out from under me and my back and head hit the floor with a loud thump. I closed my eyes at the rush of dizziness and pain that momentarily immobilized me.

Before I could even attempt to stumble to my feet, I felt Remus pull my wand from my weakened grasp. Opening my eyes, I focused on him just in time to see him chuck it across the room. Fixing me with a contemptuous glare, he finally spat out a response to what I'd told him. "You _told_ Dumbledore. I thought you were my friend. You _said_ you were my friend!"

Shakily standing, I rubbed the back of my head, which was sore and throbbing. "I am your friend. I don't want to fight you." And I _didn't_, I really didn't. Occasionally, when we were younger, James and I had gotten into somewhat physical fights but we'd never really done more than shove each other around a bit out of anger and flared tempers. We were friends and you didn't _fight_ your friends, not really.

What was I supposed to do now? Remus was looking at me with such hate that his eyes…I didn't recognize them. They were bright and emerald, just like they'd always been, but there was so much disdainful rage that they might as well have been gold and narrow like the wolf's. He looked like he wanted to kill me and I knew he wasn't going to back down.

But it was _Remus_. Somewhere in there, it was Remus. How could I actually fight him? I…_couldn't_. I couldn't fight Remus. I just couldn't.

When Moony moved forward, my time for contemplation was over. Taking a wild swing at my face, he made it easy for me to sidestep his attack and fall back a pace or two. "Remus, please," I tried to reason with him. "You know that this isn't you."

Ignoring me, he closed the distance between us and threw his arm back in another punch. I tried to simply step out of range but I'd forgotten we were in the dormitory and stumbled back into James' bed. Taking advantage of my mishap, Remus punched me squarely in the face, fist connecting solidly with my nose and upper lip.

Thrown back by the impact and the pain, I fell to the floor so that my back was pressed up against the side of the accursed bed. Instinctively kicking up with one of my legs, I managed to trip Moony before he could continue his assault. He tumbled to the floor with a muffled curse but used that momentum to push off against the smooth stones and launch himself towards me.

Before I even knew what had happened, he'd grabbed me and slammed me back so that the corner of the bed jabbed ruthlessly into the back of my neck. Oh shit! Spasms of agony skirted down my arms, legs, and spinal cord. I couldn't move. I felt like I couldn't move. When I tried to shift my limbs, they went rigid with numbing agony. My vision swam in darkness and I clenched my eyes shut in reaction to the fire that raced through my body.

I slumped down when he released his hold on me but moments later he punched me again, this time in my jaw, and then again and again until I lost track of how many times he hit me and where. All I knew was that my face was stiff with pain, that blood was trickling from my nose, and that I could taste its bitter tang in my mouth.

It was then that there was a pause in the attack. For a moment I thought he'd come to his senses but then the air was forced from my lungs when his foot dug into my stomach several times in quick succession. Gasping for breath, I fell forward onto the floor. It was as if I couldn't breathe, as if I was trying to draw in oxygen but it wasn't flowing past my throat. Oh, Merlin it hurt so much.

"I'm disappointed, Sirius," he hissed, voice barely audible over my continued heaving. "I thought you'd put up more of a struggle."

It hurt to speak, I still didn't have enough air for it, but I forced the words out in a painful rush anyway. "Can't…you're my friend, Rem…"

He laughed dryly as he grabbed both of my arms and twisted me over so that I was on my back. I knew he was about to kick me again and wondered how long it'd take for me to lose consciousness and simply end this nightmare. Before he could do anything, though, I opened my eyes. It was hard, my eyelids were practically swollen shut and blood was dripping over them, but I blinked several times and focused on Remus, who was standing over me.

His eyes still flashed with dangerous rage but between the vicious coughs that tore through my entire body, I pleaded with him one last time. "Moony…_Remus_, please."

I didn't know if it was the desperation in my voice or the sight of me on the floor, bruised and battered, but he stumbled back as if he'd been stunned. Almost immediately, the gentle eyes of my friend returned, only now they were filled with disgust, remorse, and incomprehension. Shaking his head, he lifted his hands so that he could look at them. They were covered in blood. My blood. His eyes widened and he swallowed convulsively. When he looked down at his clothes and saw that they, too, were spattered with crimson, he fell back another pace and muttered something I couldn't understand.

A wave of thudding darkness descended ominously as I struggled to respond. "Remus," I whispered gently, trying to convey that it was all right, but he was so distracted by his own mortification that he didn't seem to hear me.

Looking at me one last time and taking in the extent of what he'd done, he turned and fled the room. I tried to climb to my feet so that I could follow him but a wave of vertigo and a fit of coughing stopped me. By the time I calmed the pain and filled my lungs with enough air to quench their burning, I knew I had no chance of walking steadily, let alone catching up with him.

Oh God. I could barely move a muscle in my face and my stomach was beginning to tighten. My nose felt as if it was broken and my lips and mouth stung. My arms and legs were still twinging with pulses of splintering agony. When I examined my surroundings as best I could, I saw there were several small pools of blood on the floor, including one that surrounded what looked like a small, jagged white rock… Merlin.

Parting my lips, I tentatively felt my front tooth and winced when I touched a sharp edge that caused acute pain to flare in mouth. He'd broken one of my teeth! And Merlin, my head and back hurt. My entire body seemed to be swimming in anguish. When I probed the back of my head, where corner of the bed had been driven, I felt that it was warm and slick.

Sighing, I forced myself to lie back down on the floor and take several deep breaths. I barely heard the door opening and the alarmed shouting of my name as James came to stand over me, looking aghast.

"Sirius, what the hell happened?" he demanded. Then he said something else but everything went black and I didn't understand his words.

* * *

When I woke up I was in the hospital wing. I was tired and sore but Madam Pomfrey seemed to have mostly healed my injuries and I wasn't in any pain. There were small bandages on my face and I could feel a larger one spread out across my stomach. Running my tongue over my teeth, I was relieved to find that Madam Pomfrey had even reattached or simply regrown the piece that had split off. I couldn't tell it'd ever been broken.

Glancing around, I saw that James was sitting in a chair next to my bed. As soon as he noticed that I was awake he stood and leaned over me. "How are you doing?" he asked gravely.

I managed a small smile. "For someone who was recently beat up by one of his best friends…pretty good." Then I sighed. Physically, I was doing reasonably well but… I felt horrible for what I'd done. The Werewolf Confinement Center. I'd gotten him locked in the horrific Werewolf Confinement Center. Obviously he wouldn't have made it, not even until the funeral, but still… "No, that's not true. I feel like shit."

James didn't have anything to say to that. Finally, he asked, "It was really Remus who did that to you?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Did they…take him away?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "To the Werewolf Confinement Center. Can you tell me why?"

"You know that I can't." Damn it. I was right. I did regret making that promise to Remus. But I had made it and there was nothing I could do.

James didn't look annoyed, just resigned. "Will he be back? Will he be all right?" He looked at Madam Pomfrey when she momentarily entered the room, carrying a stack of sheets that she placed on one of the empty beds. Even after she left, he stared after her. "I've been worried about him too. Maybe you didn't see it – in fact I'm sure you didn't – but…"

"I know you're worried, that you've been worried." How could he even think that I wouldn't know that? "He _will_ be back," I assured him. "He'll be back." I wanted to say that he'd be all right too but…I couldn't. I wasn't sure he would be.

* * *

James walked back to the dormitory with me when Madam Pomfrey released me but didn't stay long. He didn't tell me where he was going and I didn't ask. A few minutes after he left, Peter came in. He'd been at Hogsmeade all day and didn't know about what had happened. He knew as soon as he saw me, saw the patches of cloth on my face, saw the look in my eyes, that something was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to explain. Eventually, he grew tired of trying to talk to me and left.

At one point I stood in front of the window, staring almost sightlessly at the small section of grounds that it showed. I wanted to think – clear my head – but couldn't rid my mind of a single image, the image of Remus watching the horizon. He'd been searching for the storm. The storm. The one that was descending over the Wizarding world and my friends. The one that spread such a dark cloud over everything. I was standing in darkness now. How could that darkness not be that which was cast by the tempest itself? How was it possible that this last hellish week wasn't what I'd been worried about all along? Because it wasn't. It wasn't.

My inability to answer that question drove me away from the window so that I wouldn't have to remember that conversation with Remus, wouldn't have to contemplate the ominous foreboding and frightened uncertainty. It wasn't as if the alternative focus of my thoughts was any easier to bear but somehow it was more comforting to consider all that had already gone wrong rather than the possibility that everything was going to get much worse.

I spent most of the day alone, sitting on my bed with my back against the headboard. I just kept going over it all in my head, again and again. I couldn't help but wonder if things might have been different, if _I_ might have done something differently. What if I'd made more of a point of talking to him everyday, of letting him know that whatever happened wasn't his fault and that I was there for him? Would that have made it easier for him to hang on?

Eventually, I grew so tired of doubting everything, felt so mentally and physically drained, that I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, James was sitting on his own bed. He'd apparently been watching me because he immediately stood up and dropped a book onto the mattress in front of me. In landed face down so I flipped it over. Somehow, I wasn't surprised when I saw that it was _The Ministry's Complete Guide to All Things Dark and Dangerous_. I'd learned to never underestimate James' investigative abilities.

What _did_ surprise me were his next words. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I really am."

"What are you talking about, mate?" James hadn't done anything wrong.

"No one can force people to grieve or react to things and when you tried to do that for Remus I was frustrated that you couldn't just let him be." He picked up the book and ran his fingers over the binding. "When you felt that something was wrong, really wrong about that potion and the full moon, I blew you off. I shouldn't have. Sometimes you need to mind your own business but sometimes your friends really do need your help. I think you were right to get involved. That wasn't something Remus needed to go through on his own and I'm sure the reason he didn't tell us was simply because he was scared. Just like first year."

"No apologies necessary," I fixed my gaze on the book that Ian had led me to. "It's not like I was of any help to Remus anyway. All I did was turn him in."

"Hey," James waited for me to look at him. "I'm sure you did more than you realize."

"I didn't do anything except watch him fall apart." It was pathetic. Somehow, I'd managed to do more to help him when he was in wolf form than I had this last week. I'd gone and become an Animagus to make things easier for him. What had I done now except stand by helplessly?

"No one can deny the power of the full moon over a werewolf, Sirius," he reminded me gravely.

"Yeah. Strangely," I smiled sadly, "That's not much of a comfort."

* * *

"Sirius!" Regulus sneered at me from across the Great Hall when I entered for lunch.

Not being in the mood to deal with my brother, I didn't say anything in return. I didn't care why he was talking to me. He'd made it abundantly clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. According to him, I was an embarrassment to our family and the Wizarding world. I actually accepted 'Mudbloods' as equals. Imagine that. I hid a smile when I pictured how aghast he'd look if I told him one of my best friends was a werewolf.

"I haven't seen Lupin around in awhile," he continued with a false smile. "I do hope nothing's happened to him."

What was it with his sudden fascination with Remus? He'd only spoken to me _twice_ since the beginning of the school year and _both times_ he'd mentioned Moony. Was I supposed to find this annoying? Was this some obscure way of trying to provoke me? I didn't get it.

Shaking my head, I continued on to the Gryffindor table where James, Lily, and Peter had saved me a spot.

* * *

"Has Remus' uncle responded to your letter yet?"

I watched James as he got ready for Quidditch practice. I'd been inordinately quiet since Remus' forced removal to the Confinement Center. Prongs was probably just trying to get me to say something. "Yeah. He's concerned about how Moony will react to being kept in that place for so long but he says I did the right thing."

"You did."

I grunted noncommittally and James sighed. Instead of arguing the point he asked, "Why do you suppose it's not a widely known fact that werewolves can become dangerous prior to a blue moon? You'd think that the Ministry would jump all over releasing that information since it'd give people more of a reason to hate and mistreat werewolves."

I frowned. That had never occurred to me. I'd been so concerned with helping Remus and then with my dilemma regarding what to do that I hadn't thought about it. "Maybe they're afraid of causing a werewolf scare. I think some people would really panic if they knew werewolves could be dangerous without transforming."

"But wouldn't the Ministry want that?" he countered. "That level of fear would let them pass whatever anti-werewolf legislation they want. They could throw them all in Azkaban and very few people would protest."

He was right. The Ministry _would_ love that, especially our wonderful Minister of Magic. "Then maybe it's the few people who support werewolf rights – people like Dumbledore and Michael Cable – who have managed to keep it under wraps. They might be trying to protect werewolves by not giving people reason to start some sort of crazy campaign aimed at killing them all."

"It's possible. I guess it's a good thing it's _not_ widely publicized. In an effort to prove how dangerous werewolves are there are probably some fanatics out there who'd specifically find a way of stopping a werewolf from taking the Branimir Potion – the one that calms them – just to show that they really are animals after all."

I frowned and abruptly turned to face James. "What did you say?"

He paused in the middle of pulling his Quidditch uniform on. "That some people might purposefully prevent a werewolf from being able to take that potion. That way they'd lose control, do something violent, and people could use that to show that werewolves aren't safe and that–"

Oh my God. I was an _idiot_. A _bloody idiot_.

"Sirius? What's wrong?"

"You mean kind of like what happened with Remus?" I climbed to my feet and started walking back and forth in the narrow space provided between the four beds that filled our room. "Don't you think it's rather strange that for the seven years he's been here Remus hasn't had any problems with people discovering his condition? Then, someone does and they viciously attack him, injuring him to such an extent that Madam Pomfrey just _has_ to use he Osane Potion to save his life? Blue moons only occur every few years, what are the odds that this would happen just before one?"

"You're not suggesting that someone did it on purpose? That they nearly killed Remus just so that he'd have that potion in his system and wouldn't be able to take the Branimir Potion?" Prongs was clearly disturbed by the idea. "I'm not saying that there aren't people who are capable of doing something that…atrocious but… Why? Aside from Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey, and you and me, no one knows what happened. People just think Remus was acting a bit strangely because of what happened to his mum and grandmother."

He did have a point there. It didn't seem like such an action would serve any purpose. There hadn't been any reports on what had happened to Remus so there was nothing anyone could use to incite more hatred of werewolves. If they had wanted Moony to not be able to take the Branimir Potion, wouldn't they have wanted it publicized so that the general public would become aware of how _dangerous_ and _uncontrollable_ werewolves were?

"Still," I murmured, "I think it's too much of a coincidence. I think someone did plan this. Obviously, their motive wasn't against werewolves at large. Is it possible someone has a vendetta against Remus himself?"

"Like who?" James demanded. "Snape? I know he's a right bastard but I really don't think he'd be capable of something like this. Let's be serious. Do you have any idea what kind of precise planning that would take? It would involve someone knowing about werewolves and the blue moon, knowing when the next blue moon would be, finding out about Remus, knowing the properties of both the Osane Potion and the Branimir Potion, _and_ having enough medical knowledge to know when, exactly, the Osane Potion is used."

"_You_ were the one that suggested people might do something like that to prove how dangerous werewolves are," I pointed out.

"Yeah, _if_ it was commonly known that werewolves' behavior can be violent just before a blue moon."

"Even still, it's not really as complicated as you make it seem. All someone has to do to find out about werewolves and the blue moon is read one small section of the book you and I found in the _school_ library. That small section happens to focus on explaining the properties of the Branimir Potion, which consequently mentions that the potion can't be taken in conjunction with several other potions. It then provides a _list_ and the Osane Potion is _on that list_. And that book wasn't even in the restricted section!" I exclaimed.

"To figure out when the next blue moon is you only need a lunar calendar, which is readily available to anyone who might be interested. As for finding out that Remus is a werewolf, all you have to do is ask the Ministry! _Anyone_ can request a list of _all_ the registered werewolves, no questions asked. Since Remus is, of course, registered, he'd be there.

James was still shaking his head so I continued. "At this point, someone could use the _textbook_ for _our_ Potions class to do a little extra research on the Osane Potion. They'd learn that it's used to treat internal bleeding _and_ that it stays in a person's system for two full months, meaning that if a werewolf had taken it at any time in the _eight weeks_ prior to the full moon preceding the blue moon, he'd essentially be _screwed_.

"You don't need a medical degree to cause internal bleeding, James. If you beat someone up badly enough – so that they're only hanging onto life by a thread – chances are you've managed it. If you wanted to make sure, you'd probably even be able to invent some sort of _charm_ that would make sure of it." He still looked skeptical. "James! Everything a person needs to be able to pull something like this off can be found here at Hogwarts!"

"You're still lacking a _motive_. Remus is quiet and minds his own business. He doesn't interact with all that many people besides his friends and the students he tutors in Defense Against the Dark Arts. The only person I know of who dislikes him is Snape. Obviously Snape knows that Remus is a werewolf but I _really_ don't think he'd have done something like this. I hate Snape, you know I do, but…I just don't see it. And Remus, he hasn't– What reason would anyone have to go to so much trouble over him?"

"He's a werewolf, James," I reminded him quietly. "Someone could have found out. That's the only reason they need."

He closed his eyes briefly and threw up his hands. "All right! Let's say you're right and someone did this on purpose. What then? We can't prove it. We don't know who beat him up. We can't do _anything_."

Damn it. Why did he have to be right? If we could only find out who'd been responsible for–

"_How's your _friend_ Lupin?"_

"_I haven't seen Lupin around in awhile. I do hope nothing's happened to him."_

Regulus! How _could_ I have been so stupid? He'd mentioned Remus to me _twice_ for no apparent reason whatsoever. I hadn't noticed it then but his tone and the _look_ in his eyes had been one of goading amusement, like he'd been waiting for me to realize just why I should be angry or provoked by his comments.

A chill ran down my spine. Could _he_ have– Could it be that _my brother_ had– Was he truly so despicable, so worthless, so _inhuman_ that he'd actually– My brother and I had been inseparable, once. I'd loved him dearly, once. Then we'd drifted because he'd mindlessly inhaled our parents' views and I hadn't. Now he was as cruel and heartless as they were. But was he truly so pathetically _twisted_ that he'd– Merlin. Was it really possible?

Wait. James and I had seen him that night, when we'd been heading towards the Quidditch field. He'd been with some of his friends, by the lake. He hadn't said anything to me then but he'd _stared_ at me and his eyes had been…derisive but there'd been this _glint_ in them and he'd almost been wearing this smug little sneer and…

A tight pressure contracted in my heart. I tried to swallow but my throat was dry.

It was true. _He'd_ done it. _He_ was responsible for nearly killing Remus. _He_ was responsible for ensuring that Remus couldn't take the Branimir Potion. _He_ was responsible for it all. I knew he was.


	9. Part Eight

EEK! FF.n won't upload my Word file (which has always worked before) so I had to switch formats and a lot of stuff got screwed up. I think I found it all but if you notice anything's off (like missing punctuation!) let me know and I'll try with the Word file again tomorrow.

I made it through a stress-free week, YAY! There's just part nine and the epilogue left after this. :)

MBP – you're definitely right about my putting Sirius through more than enough in this story, I certainly wasn't shy with the angst. Thanks for reading. :)

Cel – very glad that you're enjoying the angst – I worried at times that I was going overboard. Thanks for taking the time to review. =D

2112 – I remember, when I was writing it, that I thought I was making it _really_ obvious that it was Regulus (but then, things are always really obvious to the writer) so I'm quite happy to know that it wasn't as obvious as I feared. I'm glad you're still liking the story. ^_^

Nina – Thanks! Sorry about the two unexpected delays, I really did want to post a chapter a week because I read enough fanfiction to be familiar with waiting for updates. Thanks for sticking with the story and for always reviewing. :-)

It feels like I always say the same thing over and over again but I really do appreciate everyone who takes the time to read and especially everyone who takes the time to review.

Enjoy!

**~Part Eight~**

"Sirius! Be reasonable!" James protested exasperatedly. "How do you know your brother has anything to do with this? What? Just because we saw him that night? That was _two hours_ before the attack and it wasn't anywhere near that godforsaken patch of trees!"

"_Where_ is the Map?" I demanded again, moving towards the trunk that stood at the foot of Prongs' bed. I already had his Invisibility Cloak.

God, how could he have!? How could my brother have done that? He'd practically _murdered_ Remus and had made his life a living hell! Remus would have been _fine_ if he'd been able to take that potion, but _my brother_ had– Merlin. Moony had been beaten _so badly_. I'd barely recognized him. The bruises, grime, and blood had been _everywhere_ and _Regulus_ had– He'd actually punched and kicked and–

My _brother_. He was my _brother_ and he...

Oh, Regulus. How could he have turned from a sweet, caring child into a heartless, inhuman bastard? It hurt me almost as much as it infuriated me. It had been _so hard_ to lose my connection with him, to see that he agreed with our parents about everything, even about me. My parents were so easy to hate but my brother... Not until now. I'd never really hated him until now. He'd– Regulus had practically _tortured_ Remus with this scheme of his and I was going to find him and–

"Damn it, Sirius, stop!" James cried when I started ransacking the contents of his trunk. "It's in the drawer of my nightstand."

In less than thirty seconds, the Map was in my hands and I'd pulled out my wand. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." I tapped the Map with the tip of my wand and watched its contents appear and come into focus.

"There he is!" I exclaimed, pointing at the Slytherin common room. "And I know where his dormitory is. I'll take this secret passage," I traced the route with my finger, "and wait until he's alone in his room."

"But how do you–"

"I just know!" I snapped, folding the Map up and sticking it in my pocket.

James was taken aback but he nodded. "Fine. Let me come with you."

"No." I denied flatly. "Not a chance. He's my brother. I need to deal with this."

Prongs knew it was useless to argue with me so he didn't even try. Instead, he spread his hands in acquiescence and whispered an entreaty that made my steps falter. "Be careful, Sirius. Don't do anything stupid."

"Right, of course not," I agreed haltingly, wondering what had made him give me such a heartfelt warning.

"I mean it, Sirius," he shook his head. "Don't forget to think. Don't forget to _think_."

His words were chilling but there was too much angry energy thrumming through my body for me to stop and consider why. I was going to find my brother and force him to tell me why he'd done something so fucked up, so sadistic, so _evil_. "I'll be careful," I assured him as I rushed from the room.

* * *

I was on him the second the door shut. Discarding the Invisibility Cloak, I rushed forward and shoved him against the wall. Using my full body's weight to pin him back, I pressed my arm across his shoulders and dug the tip of my wind into the skin of his neck.

Regulus' eyes were wide with surprise and fear. Instinctively, he struggled to throw me off of him but my position didn't waver. Finally, he relaxed his muscles and met my gaze. He did his best to mask his alarm but I could still see it behind the look of glittering triumph that made me want to crush his throat.

"_Why_ did you do it?" I hissed, pushing my wand a little deeper into his flesh and relishing the way his features tightened in discomfort.

"I should think it's obvious," he chuckled with false ease. "Aside from showing you what _Lupin_ really is – a despicable monster – we wanted to make you suffer. The fact that Lupin did as well was just...an added bonus – one of many."

Tightening my hand into a fist I grabbed hold of his shoulder and pulled him forward only to push into the wall again. The back of his head thudded dully at the impact and he released a half-stifled groan.

"We?" I demanded.

"After your unfortunate association with the Potters our parents decided to keep a close eye on you, Sirius," he replied immediately, obviously all-too-happy to reveal the details of this scheme. "When they discovered that Lupin was a _werewolf_ they almost went to the Ministry to insist on his dismissal from Hogwarts, as well as the resignation of _Dumbledore_. Then they thought better of it.

"They knew you'd discover your friend's little secret and hoped you'd come to your senses. Obviously," he spat contemptuously, "That didn't happen. So then they devised a plan, a way of _forcing_ you to see Lupin for what he really is. You're predictably obtuse, though. We realized that you'd find some way of rationalizing his animalistic behavior but that it'd probably kill you to see him enduring such a _terrible_ ordeal.

"It took a great deal of planning. Dumbledore, of course, was a variable – we didn't know if he'd trust the supplementary potion and allow Lupin to remain at Hogwarts – but eventually everything fell into place with the occurrence of this year's blue moon. And believe me, Sirius," he smiled chillingly, "Seeing you stumbling around Hogwarts in such a miserable state was well worth the effort."

I swallowed, feeling disgusted and guilty. They'd done it to hurt _me_, to show _me_ that Remus was a monster? Everything my friend had born – from the attack to the slow loss of humanity – was because _my_ family wanted to get to _me_? They'd found out he was a werewolf and had bided their time, searching for the perfect opportunity to use that knowledge against me, and then they'd pounced on it. They _knew_ how much I'd suffer if I saw that one of my friends was in pain. They _knew_ so they'd used him as a _pawn_ to get to me!

"You're a disgrace, Sirius," he continued, deriving great pleasure from my sickened reaction to his words. "You've humiliated our family. Associating with Mudbloods and Dark creatures... We simply thought we deserved a little...satisfaction for having your name blot our family tree."

How could I never have realized that they knew about Remus? It was so obvious! If I'd only opened my eyes I would have seen it. The very last time I'd seen my _mother_ she'd said "_Potter will lie dead at our feet and that Mudblood pet of yours will be food for the Dementors. Best be careful, Sirius, or you_'_ll wind up with one of them._"_ Mudblood pet_. That was Remus. That was how she'd always referred to Remus. For _years_ she'd called him that. Mudblood' because of his Muggle father and pet' because he was a werewolf – an animal. Why hadn't I ever put it together?

Oh Merlin. This was all my fault. If I'd paid more attention I wouldn't have missed that clue. I would have known that the only reason they hadn't come forward with the information that Remus was a werewolf – hadn't gone public and tried to get him expelled and Dumbledore removed from his position – was because they were saving that knowledge for something else. Something worse. Why hadn't I ever thought about it!? Why!?

I'd let them do this to him! They were my _family_ and they'd treated him so horribly. They...

"_You_'_re_ a monster!" I shouted in his face. "You're so busy trying to elevate yourself above everything that you make other people out to be tainted or inhuman and you don't even realize that _you_'_re_ the one who's an animal!"

I hated them! I hated that they were my family! I hated what they thought! I hated what they believed in! I hated that they'd done this to Remus! I _hated_ them!

Furious beyond measure, I muttered the charm I'd wanted to use on Regulus since realizing what he'd done, the same one Remus had stopped me from using on Snape. Almost immediately, my brother's eyes bulged and he began gasping for breath.

Releasing my hold on him, I stepped back a pace.

Drawing in several short breaths of air, my brother attempted to calm the burning of his lungs but his throat was constricting around the oxygen and wouldn't let it pass. He was wheezing now, loudly, as his face reddened and his eyes watered. Unable to remain standing, he slid down the wall and ended up slumped on the floor.

Frantically, his hands flew to his throat and pawed at it. He was trying to pull away the invisible force that was choking him and I almost smiled at the useless effort.

"_Be careful, Sirius. Don_'_t do anything stupid._"

"_Don_'_t forget to think. Don_'_t forget to _think_._"

James' words came back to me so quickly that it was as if they'd struck me. All at once, I remembered how horrified I'd been upon seeing Remus lying in the mud, unconscious and barely alive. I remembered wondering how any person could do that to someone, hurt someone so badly. When I looked at Regulus' rapidly stilling body, heard the desperate noises he was making, I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach.

What the hell was I doing? What was I doing!?

Falling back a step, I quickly whispered the counter-charm that released my brother. Still conscious but only barely, he drew in a large lungful of air followed by several more deep breaths.

What was _wrong_ with me? It had taken a blue moon to incite Remus to violence but I'd nearly killed Regulus without even thinking about what I was doing. Remus had attacked Snape, had attacked me, because he'd been tumbling into the madness of the wolf. What excuse did I have? What excuse could I offer to explain what I'd almost done?

Shaking, I hastily found James' Invisibility Cloak and disappeared under it. I only wished I could hide my memories of what I'd done as easily as I could hide my body. I only wished I could conceal the darkness within me as easily as I could conceal myself.

* * *

Remus' greatest fear was of not being in control of his actions and hurting someone, especially someone he cared for deeply. That was why it was so difficult for him to live with the scars he'd given James and I during the full moons, that was why he felt so guilty for the time when the wolf had nearly killed Padfoot, nearly killed me. However, in the end it all came down to one thing: no matter how much Moony berated himself for those things, no matter how hard it was for him to remember and live with his full moon actions, it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault because it hadn't been him doing those things. It'd been something else. A darkness, a primal fury, a hunger, a brutality that some magical curse had put inside him. It wasn't him.

But what I'd almost done to my brother, that was entirely me. Me. How was it possible for me to hate my family so much and still be so like them? They were prejudiced and narrow minded. While I was neither of those things I did share the one trait that frightened me the most: an ability to do horrible things out of anger and recklessness. Out of rage and spitefulness they'd nearly killed Remus.

How was that any different than what I'd almost done to Regulus? Just because he arguably deserved it didn't make it right. Who was I to hand out judgment so impulsively? Perhaps there were times when people deserved to die, when it was all right to kill. I didn't know. But even if there were it wasn't something to be done lightly, it wasn't something to be down out of anger in the rashness of a moment. And it most certainly wasn't something to be purposefully prolonged. _Nothing_ justified torturing someone, however briefly. How could I have almost magically choked my brother to death without even _thinking_ about it?

If I was _so_ different from my family, how could I have betrayed Remus' secret to Snape just because I was _angry_ and not thinking? If I wasn't anything like them, how could I have been so willing to nearly strangle Snape for _insulting_ my friend? If I was so righteous and moral and above their petty grievances, how could I have turned that anger on Remus when he'd stopped me from hurting Snape? If I was so good – a guy from an all-Slytherin family who'd been sorted into Gryffindor – why was I capable of such violence? Why was there a darkness inside me that matched that of my name?

* * *

"Sirius! It's almost six in the mor–" James stopped short and did a sort of double-take. "A-are you...all right?"

My eyes fell to his neatly made bed. It was nearly time to get up for classes and Prongs hadn't slept because he was waiting for me, obviously worried. "I'm sorry," I whispered without looking at his concerned face.

"I don't want you to be sorry," he murmured, touching my shoulder. "Tell me what happened."

He wanted to help. He really did. I was grateful for it – grateful for his concern – but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, not yet. There was just one thing I had to know, even though I was pretty sure I wouldn't want to hear the answer. "James, when you told me to be careful, what were you worried that I was going to do?"

James lowered his hand from my arm and looked at just about everything in the room before returning his gaze to me. "Sirius, I don't think that–"

"Just tell me," I interrupted calmly.

He sighed. "I thought you might really hurt him... I thought you might even kill him."

Right. I couldn't fault him for his honestly but it was the last thing I wanted him to say. "I'm gonna take a shower before class," I brushed past him, hoping he'd let this be.

"Sirius, I didn't mean that– It's just that sometimes you get so angry that you don't think and–"

"You don't have to explain, James." Setting the Invisibility Cloak and Marauder's Map on his bed, I quickly found some clean clothes to change into and headed for the bathroom. "I understand perfectly well."

* * *

"Mischief managed," I whispered, tapping the Map with my wand. As soon as the ink began to fade, I folded the parchment up and stuck it in my pocket. According to the Map, Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were just around the corner, about halfway down the corridor.

Quickly, I moved towards their position. As I did, low voices filtered to my ears from beyond the bend. It was Professor McGonagall. She was speaking very quietly but I was able to make out some of her words.

"People hate..." I couldn't understand what she said next. "...Unusual for..." her voice faded again, "...so many attacks?"

"Not so unusual..." Dumbledore's response was hard to make out as well, "...Considers that Voldemort..." I inched forward. "He's merely trying to gain more supporters, Minerva."

"And what of the Minister?" McGonagall's voice was questioning; she sounded both frightened and worried.

"At the moment, he is the unwitting and perhaps unknowing puppet of Voldemort," the Headmaster replied. "We must be very cautious."

Trying to appear as if I wasn't eavesdropping, I stepped around the corner and walked towards the two professors. It was McGonagall that saw me first and as soon as she did she bid Dumbledore farewell and walked down the hallway in the opposite direction.

"Professor Dumbledore," I addressed him immediately before he could follow. "I have news on the attack against Remus. My brother was responsible."

Completely unperturbed, the Headmaster peered at me over the rims of his half-moon spectacles, an intrigued gleam in his eyes. "Indeed." He sounded very interested and not the least bit surprised. "Please explain."

* * *

Barrington Vladimir Beechcroft, the Minister of Magic, hadn't changed since the last time I'd seen him at the execution of Jeremy Mikkena – the unregistered werewolf who'd been responsible for the death of Evelyn Milay. He had the same calculating blue eyes and shoulder-length black hair streaked with increasing amounts of grey.

"Mr. Black," he addressed me as soon as Dumbledore and I entered his office. "Allow me to be frank. The murder of my associate Mr. Cable has left me with a great deal of work to do. The Ministry is crawling with investigators and I've yet to find a replacement chief advisor. I've only agreed to this meeting because Headmaster Dumbledore insisted. So, if you'll please be _brief_, we can hopefully conclude this matter shortly."

"Yes, sir," I forced myself to remain respectful.

"Now," he leaned back in his chair. "If I remember correctly, this has something to do with the..._attack_ on the registered werewolf Remus J. Lupin?"

"That is correct," Dumbledore chimed in pleasantly, "I'm sure you'll remember the victim as the young man you incorrectly arrested when Ms. Milay was killed."

Beechcroft, though clearly annoyed at the Headmaster's tone, ignored his rather baiting comment. "Yes, of course. You have new _evidence_ to present?"

I nodded. "I know who's responsible. My brother, Regulus Black."

"Your brother!" he seemed amused by the very idea. "And what makes you say that?"

"His behavior since the attack gave me cause to wonder and when I confronted him, he admitted it," I explained simply.

"I see," he smiled placatingly, picking up a small ornamental vase from his desk and running his finger over the rim. "And when you..._confronted_ him, did you...threaten him in any way?"

"Well–" I stared at his uninterested eyes. He had absolutely no intention of pursuing this. He was just looking for a way of dismissing my information out of hand. "I didn't _threaten_ him but I was a bit...er...physically aggressive."

"Then anything your brother said to you is only a response to coercion and–"

"But if you give him Veritaserum he'll confirm that he carried out the assault," I interrupted, much to his clear frustration. "According to the new regulations, probable involvement has to be proved before you can approve the use of Veritaserum. Regulus' confession establishes–"

"I am well aware of the legislation regarding the use of Veritaserum," he snapped, fingers tightening around the vase. "And an unverified confession – since I'll assume you have no witnesses...?"

"No, we were alone."

"As I suspected. An unverified confession does not establish probable or even possible involvement. Unless you have evidence that directly ties your brother to the scene of the crime then I'm afraid there's nothing I can do."

God damn it! I wanted to take that vase and smash it against the wall!

Considering the way Beechcroft had treated Remus during the investigation of Evelyn Milay's death, I wasn't surprised. Dumbledore himself had warned me that this endeavor would most likely be useless.

Even still, I was infuriated by the blas manner in which he was completely disregarding me. Remus was a human being! What did I have to do to get people to see that? He felt and thought and reacted just like any normal person and they didn't have the right to treat him like a sub-lifeform that didn't have any rights!

"You mean," I responded coolly, "That there's nothing you _will_ do about it."

Beechcroft's face clearly registered how affronted he was by my flippant remark. "Mr. Black," he chastened, setting the vase down with far more force than necessary. "Remember who you are speaking to."

I momentarily glanced at Dumbledore. Seeing the twinkling amusement in his shrewd blue eyes, I allowed myself to say what I truly felt. "I know exactly who I am speaking to. A frightened old man who is too terrified of anything that is different to care about doing what is right."

The Minister abruptly rose to his feet. "This discussion is over, Mr. Black!" His eyes flashed angrily and I was surprised at the nerve I'd hit. "And I will kindly thank you, Headmaster, to have more in care in deciding what matters to bring to my attention in the future."

Dumbledore calmly rose to his feet and I hastily did the same. "Forgive me, Minister. I can see where the pursuit of justice would be an inconvenience to you."

"I would advise you," he smiled chillingly, "to remember that students cannot be arbitrarily expelled from Hogwarts without giving just cause. Good day, Headmaster Dumbledore."

The Headmaster's own smile was disarmingly pleasant. "A fact that I am well aware of, Minister, having instituted it myself when accepting my placement as Headmaster. I can assure you that unlike so many other officials, I will not bend the regulations to satisfy by own biases. Good day."

Dumbledore didn't give Beechcroft a chance to respond, he simply turned and strode from his office. Not bothering to bid the Minister farewell, I followed him. We walked in silence through the halls of the Ministry until we reached the lifts, at which point he turned to me. His eyes were serious and regretful. "He's not as bad of a man as you think. He has a great many prejudices, to be sure, but he has let them influence his public policy only due to coercion and intimidation. Voldemort has more power here than anyone is willing to admit." He sighed. "I'm afraid that there is nothing I can do."

I nodded glumly. There didn't seem to be anything that anyone could do. In a world where werewolves weren't considered human, words like justice' and morality' lost their meaning.

* * *

"Proof? _Now_ they want proof? They didn't need any proof when they arrested Remus for Evelyn's _murder_! If weren't for Dumbledore and the two of us, Remus would have been executed for something he didn't do!" James exclaimed, unusually vocal in expressing his distaste regarding the situation.

"Well what's the fun in condemning a werewolf if you actually have to prove he did something wrong?" I shifted into sarcasm mode.

"So that's it? We know who did it and...can't do anything abou–" He fell silent when the door opened and Peter entered. Due to the promise I'd made Remus I hadn't told Peter about what was going on. He didn't know about the blue moon, he didn't know why Remus was gone, and he didn't know I'd discovered who was responsible for putting him in the hospital wing. Even though James wasn't bound by any oath he acted as if he was because he knew it was what Remus would have wanted.

Unfortunately, it left Peter in the dark and had caused some understandable tension between us. He barely spoke to either one of us, not since we'd regretfully confessed that we couldn't tell him where Remus was and that he should ask Moony when he returned. Judging by the frustration evident in his eyes, he'd had enough of biting his tongue.

"You know," he came to stand beside us, "I don't know where you guys have been for the past seven years but apparently you failed to notice a few things. Back during first year, when we couldn't figure out why Remus kept disappearing every month, I was right there with you doing research in the library."

James and I exchanged a guilty look.

Peter didn't give us a chance to defend ourselves. Not that there was much we _could_ say in. "When Sirius came up with the idea of becoming Animagi so that we could be there during the fulls, I was just as eager as either one of you. Even though it was really hard for me cause Merlin knows I'm not as talented as either of you, I stuck with it cause I care about Remus too. In case you didn't notice, I was also worried about him when his mum and grandmother were killed and when he started acting so strangely.

"Now he's _gone_ and you won't tell me _why_ or _where_ he is. Whenever I enter the room I find you guys just standing there without saying anything," he gestured for emphasis. "I'm not that daft. Unless you've developed a fondness for _silence_, I know you guys were talking about something related to Remus that you don't want me to hear. I'm his friend too. I have a right to–"

"I promised him," I interjected helplessly. "What do you want me to do?"

Peter rolled his eyes. "It wouldn't be the first time you went back on your word."

Oh, for Merlin's sake! Was everyone always going to expect me to break my word because of the Prank? It was a mistake! A careless, stupid mistake that almost permanently ruined things between Remus and I. I was sorry! I screwed up! Just like I always did, I'd acted without thinking and _hurt_ someone. I was good at it. It was the one thing about my family that I couldn't escape. I had a talent for it, even. I always found someway of doing something really horrible.

"Peter," James responded warningly on my behalf. "He's already–"

"Don't, you don't have to." I tried my best to keep my tone impassive. "I made a mistake when I broke my promise to Remus. I've learned to not do it again." Though apparently I hadn't learned well enough. I hadn't learned well enough to actually _think_ about things even a _little_ before reacting. I thought that I had but obviously I was wrong. Remus had been stupid for forgiving me and thinking I wouldn't find someway of hurting him again.

God. How was I going to face him after learning that everything he'd suffered recently, with the exception of his mum's and grandmother's deaths, was because of me? I couldn't begin to imagine how I was going to tell him what I'd learned from my brother. Oh, hi Remus. I'm sorry to have to tell you that the complete and utter hell you've just endured was all because my delightful family wanted to hurt _me_. Brilliant, aren't they?'

"I need to get out of here," I sidestepped my friends and headed towards the door. "I'm sorry, Pete. Really."

* * *

"Sirius, I'm sure he'll understand." James was standing in front of the door, barring my exit.

"I don't want him to understand,'" I took half a step forward but Prongs refused to budge. "He'll be better off if he doesn't. Let me through." All my friends would be better off without me. Who knew what I was capable of doing, who knew how deeply I was capable of hurting them.

"You're his best friend," he stood his ground adamantly. "I think he'd appreciate your being here. He's been in that Confinement Center for three weeks. It'd be nice if we were all around when he gets back."

I _couldn_'_t_ be here! Didn't he understand that!? I didn't want to know how badly things had gone for him in that Confinement Center. I didn't want to know how horribly they had treated him. I didn't want to see the guilt on his face when he looked at me and remembered beating me up. I couldn't deal with any of that. Not without wanting to hang myself.

James didn't realize. He thought I was worried that Remus wouldn't forgive me for having turned him in. He was wrong. Oh, I had been, at first. Before the confrontation with my brother. Now... It was difficult to be concerned about that when I knew that everything was my fault. The gravity of the truth made me see how ridiculous my fears had been in the first place. Remus was a logical, calm minded person. He knew that I'd done the right thing, regardless of how badly he'd wanted to go to the funeral.

No. I wasn't worried about that at all. My chest turned cold and tight with apprehension every time I thought of having to tell Remus the truth about the attack. My stomach knotted whenever I pictured our initial meeting. I already felt guilty. I never thought I'd feel worse than I had for betraying his secret to Snape but now I could barely imagine how it would feel to look at Remus and be overwhelmed by shame and remorse.

He'd nearly died because of me. He'd nearly _died_ because of me! What was perhaps worse was that he'd lost control of himself because of me. He'd attacked Snape, attacked _me_, and would have to live with that guilt because of _me_. How could I face him?

"If he actually wants to talk to me, he'll know where to find me," I whispered wearily.

"If he wants to talk to you? _Of course_ he'll want to talk to you! He won't understand why you're not here; he hasn't been around to learn about your brother. If you're not here, he'll think you blame him for the fight. Do you really want that?"

"James, please," I indicated the door. "Please."

He sighed and stepped aside. "Sirius, I'm worried about you, mate. You've been walking around like a zombie lately."

It was more than true. I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop thinking about my family, about what they'd done, about what _I_'_d_ almost done to Regulus. I didn't have the words to explain what I was feeling, I didn't know how to tell James that I barely slept at night anymore, that I felt sick every time I remembered seeing Remus crumpled in the mud because I knew I was responsible. So I didn't even try. Instead, as I walked out, I repeated myself. "He'll know where to find me."


	10. Part Nine

MBP – the Ministry scene is one of my favorites, I had fun with it. And continuity is very important to me so I'm glad you noticed the Prank tie-in. Thanks, as always, for your review. :)

Vee-sama – thrilled that you're enjoying it! Thanks for reading and I hope you like the rest of the story.

Nina – thanks for your consistent reviews, I always like getting them and am happy that you continue liking the fic. =)

Oookay, last part before the epilogue!

**~Part Nine~**

"I never took you for the hiding type." Remus' half-amused comment caught me off guard. I hadn't heard him enter, nor had I expected him so soon. I'd gone to a set of secret passages and rooms that Remus and I had discovered during the Christmas holidays first year. We'd never told the others about it, not even when we created the Map, and it had since become a secret meeting place where we could talk and not have to worry about anyone overhearing.

Invariably, when I was truly troubled, I found myself there. Occasionally, I'd lose track of time and Moony would come searching for me. Sometimes I'd tell him what was wrong and others he'd just sit there with me until I was ready to return to our dormitory. I couldn't count the times I'd gone off on how horrible my family was or the hours I'd spent listening to Remus discuss various things relating to his condition and werewolf rights.

There were two places that we'd recently frequented. One was the foot of an old staircase and the other was this room, small and containing only an old bed, a nightstand, a dresser, and a fireplace that hadn't been lit in years. I'd known that Moony would look for me here first but had thought he'd stay in the dormitory a bit longer. He must have remained for no more than a few minutes before coming.

I was sitting near the fireplace with my back against the wall. The door and the fireplace were on the same side of the room. Since Remus had apparently decided to remain in the doorway, I couldn't see him from where I was. Of course, he couldn't see me either. How did he know I was in here?

"I'm not hiding," I finally replied, immeasurably grateful for the fact that we were still beyond each other's vision.

"Really?" I could hear his smile. "What are you doing here then?"

"I was trying to take the easy way out but that never works, does it?" He came further into the room. I could see his indistinct figure out of the corner of my eye.

"It doesn't seem to." He moved to stand in front of me and when I looked at him I wasn't sure whether to feel relieved or repulsed. There were bruises on his face, some old and some very fresh. It looked like someone had used a knife to take a slice out of his right cheek; the scab was thick and red. He also looked haggardly tired; deep, dark circles surrounded his eyes. An unkempt beard contributed to his disheveled appearance. Remus was always clean shaven.

My heart was thudding, sending waves of frigid blood through my body. How had it been for him in that dreadful place? Driven crazy and forced to endure the taunts and physical bullying of the guards? I'd never forget the Werewolf Confinement Center. I'd only been there twice: once to visit Remus when he was mistakenly arrested for Evelyn's murder and once to visit Jeremy, the true werewolf responsible for her accidental death. In total, I couldn't have been within its walls for more than forty minutes. It was enough, though. Enough for me to remember the vile odor of excrement and the filth of unsanitized cells stained with blood. And I would certainly never forget how utterly hopeless Remus had looked when I saw him there.

And it was because of me that he'd been sent there again.

He'd been curled into a fetal position, more wounded than I wanted to remember. How much blood had he lost? How much had seeped out through open cuts to cover his body? The bruises had been ugly – blue and purple and swelling – and they'd been _everywhere_.

Then there'd been the anger in his eyes. The brutality. The _violence_… He'd attacked Snape. He'd attacked me. Quiet, withdrawn, soulful Remus had _attacked_ two people because of the blue moon. And then there'd been the _remorse_. Searing, overwhelming mortification had flooded his wide eyes.

Because of me. It had all been because of me.

Despite my nearly insurmountable guilt, I met his gaze and his eyes almost made me smile. They were gentle eyes, calm and so full of regret. They were the eyes I'd grown used to seeing, the astute ones that were always observing, always contemplating. They were green and brilliant and expressive. They were the eyes of my friend, of Remus.

And they held no anger or censure, only concern, remorse, and weariness. The concern was for me. Trust Remus to come out of hell and still find it inside himself to worry about how _I_ was doing and why _I_ was here. It made me feel worse because I knew I didn't deserve it.

Smiling, he sat down across from me on the floor and pulled his legs up to his chest so that he could rest his chin on his knees. "Sirius, you did the right thing. You did what I should have. A ceremony, however important, isn't worth putting people's lives in danger. I should have gone to Dumbledore as soon as I felt myself slipping. Obviously my judgment was impaired almost from the very beginning."

Oh. Right. James had obviously told him what he thought was bothering me.

"You did the right thing," he repeated. "But you know that. You have to know that."

"I know." The most sensible thing would be to tell him that that wasn't it at all, that I had a horrible confession to make, but I couldn't. Even though just _seeing_ him increased the crushing weight of my guilt, I didn't know how to begin. Words hadn't been invented that could properly express how dreadful I felt.

He was my _friend_ and because of _me_ my _brother_ had…

He frowned a little. "Then why are you here?"

For reasons he deserved to hear but I couldn't bring myself to explain. "I was just worried you'd…hate me for having done it…because of the funeral. I thought you'd blame me…" I continued the charade, adding in a kernel of truth at the end. "I didn't help you."

His eyes expressed his disbelief and the furrow in his brow increased. Leaning forward a little, he repeated my words very quietly. "Didn't help me? How can you even say that?"

I broke eye contact. "I didn't do anything. I just watched you lose yourself a little bit more every day. I should have made more of an effort, talked to you more. Maybe you would have lasted longer. Instead, I got you put back in the Confinement Center."

"Sirius, it was because of the intolerance of our government and of people in general that I ended up there. Not because of you. And there's nothing more you could have done. The potion wasn't working. I was lost from the moment I transformed back. I just refused to admit it." He touched my arm and waited for me to look at him. "Don't tear yourself apart for things you couldn't have changed. You did all you could."

"What? What did I do?" Besides being the reason it had all happened to him, what had I contributed to this nightmare?

He shook his head, as if he couldn't believe I was asking. "You cared." His eyes spoke of his sincerity.

I smiled tentatively. If only he knew. He wasn't at all annoyed with me – I could see that easily – but what would he do when he found out the truth? I cared? Of course I cared. But what did that matter in the face of what my family had done? What did that matter in the face of anything?

If it hadn't been for my parents and brother, there never would have been a _choice_ for me to make. Remus wouldn't have been attacked. He would have been able to take the potion he needed and the blue moon wouldn't have affected him. There would have been no reason for him not to go to the funeral.

"More than that… I think you helped keep me sane for longer than I would have stayed otherwise." At my confused look, he made a confession in a voice turned thick by terrible remembrances. "I was struggling the entire time I was here… As soon as they took me to the Confinement Center, walked me down that long hallway, and threw me into that cell…I lost it. I was just…_gone_."

Didn't that prove my point, though? If I'd tried harder, made more of a connection and given him something to hold onto, wouldn't he have held on longer? Wouldn't it have been easier for him to stay in control? I'd never know and the uncertainty, the doubts, would always stay with me. Just like my guilt over having told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow and my guilt for having brought all this down upon Remus. I'd forgiven myself for the Prank. I'd always feel bad but I'd forgiven myself. I didn't think I'd ever forgive myself for the torture Moony had endured because of me.

"You don't have anything to apologize for," he continued, withdrawing his hand. "Nothing at all."

It was the perfect opening. All I had to do was explain how wrong he was and tell him I had more to apologize for than he might believe. "Remus, I–" The words were swallowed by the almost convulsive clenching of my throat. How was I to do this? Our friendship would be over, broken by an insurmountable chasm and rightly so. Couldn't I cling to it for a little while longer? Couldn't I keep it safe and whole before shattering it?

Remus studied me intently, intently enough to see that something was _truly_ bothering me and that it had nothing to do with my being afraid of his not forgiving me for turning him in. He didn't question me, though. He let his eyes speak of his undeserved concern; he let his eyes lend me silent support.

"Neither do you," I forced the words out, trying to ignore my own wretched guilt and ever-present apprehension. "You have nothing to apologize for either."

His expression didn't change but I knew he wanted to believe me. "I already know what you're going to say," he murmured, voice sad and regretful. "It wasn't my fault. It wasn't me. The wolf did those things. I didn't. But Sirius, even you can't change…"

"Can't change what?" I prompted gently, trying to focus on anything but my own emotions.

He closed his eyes. "You can't change the fact that when I came back to myself, your blood was on my hands. It was on _my_ hands."

I silently studied his face, so marred by remorse and self-recriminations. Just as I'd feared. How could I make him see? How could I stop him from blaming himself for this, from losing sleep over this? How could I stop this from haunting his thoughts? He already had enough ghosts in his memory. "Remus," I took his hands in mine and held them palms up. "Open your eyes."

Moony did as I asked, expression torn.

"This isn't you," I squeezed his hands. "These hands _aren't you_."

His gaze flickered down to his hands.

"You're who you are on the inside, Remus. The wolf takes control of your body. The wolf forces it to do things you'd never do. You remember it because you're still in there somewhere but those things you see yourself doing, in nightmares and in memories, you didn't do any of them." My words were genuine and fervently spoken; I wanted him to know I felt them.

He stayed quiet and very still for a few minutes, eyes unmoving. When he finally looked up at me, his guilt had not faded. "But it's our actions that define us."

I suppressed a sigh. "That's true. But the things _you've_ done don't include hurting your friends or hurting anyone, for that matter. You are a good, kind, and caring person, Remus. If you weren't, you wouldn't feel so horrible for something that's beyond your control."

"If I had fought harder, held on longer… I attacked you, Sirius. If I'd _bitten_ you, who knows what might have happened. Who knows what I might have turned you into. How can you forgive that? How can you forgive me for so much?" I could tell he just didn't understand. He didn't understand how I could _not_ blame him; he probably couldn't even accept the fact that I was telling him the truth, that I wasn't angry with him or repulsed by what he'd done. Words could be easily dismissed, after all. I'd just have to show him that nothing had changed for me, at least nothing about my opinions regarding his condition.

"You fought as hard as you could, you did the best that you could. What more can you ask of yourself?" I let go of his hands. "And don't forget that you stopped yourself. You could have kept going but you didn't. You'd lost control but somehow you pulled through again and stopped the wolf from hurting me more. _You_ did. When you ran out of the dormitory, so horrified at what you'd done, that was _you_."

"I'm sorry, Sirius." He swallowed. "You might be able to draw a clear line between the wolf and me but I can't. Not anymore. I know that you don't blame me. I know that you don't want me to blame myself. I know. I can't help it, though. I try to tell myself that it wasn't me, that I wasn't the one who punched and kicked you, but those words don't sound real to me. I could have killed you."

I sighed. Why did he have to make things so hard on himself?

"And I know you don't want to hear it but I need to say it. I'm so sorry, Sirius." I could barely understand him he uttered it so softly. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't have anything to apologize for," I assured him but since that wasn't what he wanted from me, I continued. "But if you need to hear me say it, I forgive you."

He nodded distantly. "I don't know what I'll do if I ever actually kill you."

"You won't." By now these words were ineffective but I couldn't stop myself from trying. "Even when you're transformed, a part of you still recognizes me. Even before the blue moon, you still knew who I was and stopped yourself from hurting me more. If the wolf didn't kill me after the Prank and didn't kill me for turning you in, it's because of you. And I trust you, Remus."

He didn't say anything and for a few minutes, neither did I. We both sat there in silence. Remus had his guilt and so did I. I also had my fear, though. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I wanted to bury the entire incident and never think on it again. I wanted things to continue as if nothing had happened. I just wanted everything to be okay between us.

I was a coward.

I was a coward on so many levels. If I had any courage I'd just tell Remus the truth and allow our friendship to crumble. It was what I needed to do if I truly cared about him. It just wasn't worth the risk. Being my friend had made his life miserable after the Prank. Being my friend had nearly gotten him killed and was the reason he hadn't been able to take the potion that would have preserved his sanity. What else would being my friend do to him?

"Let's get out of here," he suggested, breaking the stillness. "I need to go to the hospital wing so that Madam Pomfrey can treat the wounds I suffered."

I grimaced slightly. That Confinement Center needed to be destroyed and the guards that worked there deserved to be in Azkaban. Remus had been at the mercy of the beast inside him. How could they have hurt him further when he'd already been in such a miserable state? "Was it…really bad?"

He hesitated. "Yes. It was. I don't remember it all very clearly…it'll come back to me later, but they took special delight in tormenting me."

Suddenly, I was grateful that his clothing was probably concealing most of his wounds. "I'll come with you," I offered.

"I'd appreciate that." He stood and held out his hand.

I took it and allowed him to pull me to my feet. We left the room side by side.

* * *

"So I've noticed that Peter's a bit quieter than usual. Did anything happen while I was gone?" Remus wondered.

James glanced at me. When it became apparent that I wasn't going to explain, he did. "Peter's rightfully angry because both of us know where you were these last few weeks and wouldn't tell him. He still doesn't know about the blue moon or about the Confinement Center. Sirius didn't want to break his word to you and I…knew you'd have held me to the same promise."

"Oh," Remus paused, clearly trying to figure out what to do about that. "I'll talk to him…just have to figure out something to say."

"You can tell him the truth," Prongs offered. "He'll understand. He really will."

Moony didn't seem so sure. "It's not so easy for me to believe that…I'm the one with the condition people don't accept. Whenever something else happens I have to wonder…"

"Wonder what?"

Remus shook his head. James looked at him intently but I understood. I knew what he was thinking. He always wondered whether now would be the time we'd turn against him. He accepted that we cared for him but always worried that somehow he might do something that would make us change our minds about the werewolf thing.

"I can't believe how much I have to catch up on," Moony groaned. "I'll never make it."

"Yes you will. We'll help you. Both of us," he gestured in my general direction. "Seriously, Remus. Any help that you need, as much time as it takes, just ask."

He smiled. "Thank you."

"We have something for you." He looked at me again but I made no motion to move or speak. I was listening and paying attention but in a constant state of apprehension and self-loathing. I had to tell Remus about my family. I had to. I just didn't want to. Would it be easier to just let things rest? "This was put together by Lily, Peter, Sirius, and myself."

Remus watched curiously as James rummaged through his things, emitting a triumphant sound when he found the notebook he was searching for. Handing it to Moony, he barely allowed our friend to flip through it before telling him what it was. "See, between the four of us we have all the same classes you do. We copied all our notes for the last few weeks. It should make doing the assignments a lot easier."

Moony practically lit up. "Brilliant. Thank you."

"It was Sirius' idea."

When Remus nodded in my direction, I smiled dully.

"Dumbledore must have talked to my professors," he continued, sending me a concerned look. "They've all made a point of seeing me and saying that they'll devote any extra time necessary to explaining the material I missed."

"Great," James grinned.

I sighed, more loudly than I'd intended. Both of my friends shifted to look at me. Had James told Remus I'd been rather…depressed lately or was it that obvious that I wasn't feeling well? I could tell that Moony was worried. He had been since our conversation in the old abandoned room. I felt bad for that. The last thing I wanted was to add to his troubles. I just couldn't seem to break out of my dejected mood. Everything had turned out so dark lately.

"Oi!" Prongs nearly yelled, causing both Remus and I to start. "I'm supposed to meet Lily in the common room. I nearly forgot."

Rolling my eyes, my lips tweaked up a bit as James practically ran from the dormitory.

Remus chuckled before returning to his studies.

Closing my eyes, I rearranged myself on the bed until I was comfortably lying on my back. It was unfortunate that I wasn't skilled at Memory Charms. If I was, I could wipe away all knowledge of my family's actions and be happier for it. I'd have been better off not knowing who had been responsible for the attack and the blue moon fiasco. I saw my brother practically everyday. It'd been hard before, now it was nearly impossible. He rekindled my anger just by entering my field of vision. I even found myself wishing we'd never been close. Maybe then this wouldn't hurt as much. Maybe then I wouldn't feel the level of personal betrayal that I did.

"Sirius?" Moony's tentative voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I didn't open my eyes.

"Ian says that it was a beautiful ceremony," his tone was wistful and I immediately gave him my full attention when I realized what he was talking about. Before the Confinement Center he'd barely acted as if anyone had died at all. "My mum wasn't religious so instead of getting a priest my dad simply recounted his fondest memories of her, including how they first met. When he was finished he asked other people to share their recollections. My dad had them both buried with the rest of their family, like they wanted."

I smiled. "I know. I was there."

I opened my eyes just in time to see his surprised expression. "Really? My uncle must not have seen you."

"I…er…borrowed James' Invisibility Cloak," I admitted, hoping he wouldn't delve too far into this.

He set aside the papers he was looking at. "Why? You would have been welcome. Ian would have been happy to sit with you."

"I know. I just… It felt odd to be there without you and…" It had also seemed wrong for me to be there with Remus locked away and I hadn't wanted to speak with Ian, not with the knowledge I had about the attack on his nephew.

"And?"

"It doesn't matter," I lied, knowing he'd hear the deception and hoping he'd let it rest.

There was a long pause before he answered. He was probably debating what to say. Remus was so careful with his words. He finally settled on, "Thank you for going."

I shrugged. "It was the least I could do. How…how are you doing with…that?"

Again, he seemed to consider before answering. "Sometimes I think it gets a little bit harder everyday."

The response and the painfully child-like tone of it almost broke my heart but I also felt a small measure of relief. At least he wasn't pretending he was over it, like he had before. "I wish I knew what to tell you."

I was so worried about him. I worried how he would take having been unable to defeat the wolf. I worried how he would deal with having attacked Snape and having attacked me. I worried about how the Confinement Center would affect him. He seemed to be relatively okay, considering everything. I could see his guilt almost every time I looked at him and he was grieving for his losses, but that was normal. He barely mentioned the Confinement Center itself. Last time it'd been so hard for him and he'd only been there a day. This time could hardly have been any easier considering his own state of mind when he entered.

"Don't tell me anything. You don't have to." His gaze fell to the notebook we'd put together for him. "Are you going to Hogsmeade tomorrow?"

"I wasn't planning on it. James and Lily are gonna look at tuxes but…" I didn't feel like weighing down their day with my melancholy. I didn't want to be there if I couldn't be as involved as I should be, as I wanted to be. "I'll just stay here, I think."

"I'm going to visit the cemetery where my mum and Grams are buried. If it wouldn't be too much of an inconvenience–"

"I'd be–" I'd planned to say, 'happy to go with you' but that didn't sound quite right. The words 'happy' and 'cemetery' weren't at all related to one another. "Of course I'll go with you."

His lips moved but the sound they made didn't reach me. It didn't mater, though. I knew what he'd said. 'Thank you.'

Remus went back to looking over some of the material that he'd missed and I closed my eyes again. A few minutes passed, just enough for me to think our conversation was over and to be a little caught off guard when he spoke again. "If you'd like to talk to me about anything, I'll listen. You don't have to feel like you shouldn't bother me because I've got so much to do or because of everything that's happened to me recently." He fell silent for just a moment. "Just so you know."

I let my eyes drift open but by the time I looked at my friend he'd returned his attention to studying. I stared at him for awhile, long enough for him to feel my gaze and shift back towards me. Wordlessly, we held each other's eyes. I'd never know what he read in mine but his contained sorrow and a level of concern that awed me. How could he have suffered so much and still feel such worry for me?

* * *

Remus slept late the next morning. Usually, on the day following the full moon, he'd rest for a little while and attend classes. If he was exceptionally tired, he'd miss his first class but make it to all the rest. The fact that Moony didn't wake up until past eleven in the morning, well after the others had gone to Hogsmeade, was an expression of how exhausted he'd really been.

We barely spoke to each other as he dressed and had breakfast. It was by wordless consent that we left the castle together. When we stopped at a small flower shop on the way to the cemetery, I watched from the counter as he looked through their entire selection before purchasing two small bouquets.

It was warm and sunny by the time we reached the cemetery, which was located in the beautiful rolling hills of the country. His mum and grandmother were buried with the rest of their family so Remus knew exactly where to go. With a heavy step, he walked through the lonely rows of plaques and markers. Stopping occasionally for reasons I couldn't begin to fathom, he'd stare at the inscriptions left over some of the graves or look aimlessly into the distance, at the clouds that lined the sky. Then he'd nod and continue.

I trailed behind him, hoping he'd find my silence support enough.

We arrived first at his grandmother's grave. He stood before it for a few minutes, head bowed, before leaning forward to place one of the bouquets against the base of the tombstone. Then he collected himself and slowly walked the short distance to where his mum was buried. Here, he sat down on the grassy area in front of the headstone, holding his single remaining bouquet of flowers in front of him in trembling hands.

Swallowing, I stood back a pace and simply watched. If he hadn't wanted me to join him I would have thought I was intruding. Surely this was a very private moment.

I wasn't certain how much time had passed when Remus spoke. "My uncle says I should give my father another chance."

"What? _Why_?" Remus' _father_ was a bastard. He barely spoke to his son, barely looked at him, not since the night Remus had been bitten. He'd forced Remus to transform and spend his full moons inside a small _cage_ that had only magnified the horrible experience. He probably would have turned him out on the streets if it hadn't been for his wife, who had loved her son regardless of the curse that had befallen him.

"He says there's a lot I don't understand." His voice was full of so much pain that it pulled me forward a step. "My father was raised Catholic. Unlike Ian, he never turned from it. I don't know much about the religion but I've always thought he hates me because, somehow, he believes I have the devil inside me…or some nonsense like that."

I really had no idea what he was talking about. I knew very little about Catholicism, the devil, heaven, or hell. I did know, from my course in Muggle Studies, that their religions contributed to a great deal of intolerances and prejudices, just as they did for us. Taking that into consideration, what he said was certainly plausible.

"Ian says I'm wrong, though. He says my father loves me and that he always has. He says the reason he won't talk to me is because…he feels _guilty_. He blames himself for my condition. He thinks he should have watched me closer that night, that if he had I never would have run off and been bitten."

I couldn't tell by his tone whether he believed Ian or not. "What do you think?"

"If he'd told me this before my mum was…killed, I would have dismissed it out of hand. Now…" he shrugged. "I don't know. I really don't. I'd love to…fix things between us, he's my dad, but I can't forget how he's treated me. But my mum is dead," his voice broke. "And everyday it seems a little more real a-and I miss her a little more."

His shoulders were trembling slightly and suddenly I realized he was crying. It'd been so long since I'd seen him cry. Not since first year, when he'd been an insecure eleven-year-old boy afraid of his friends learning his secret and turning away from him or worse, turning _on_ him. I wasn't sure what to do. I couldn't just stand here, though. I couldn't just stand here.

Stepping forward until I was next to him, I lowered myself to the ground. Remus turned his head to look at me. His cheeks were wet and his eyes were pools of water. Every few seconds a bead of liquid spilled onto his face and trailed down it. When he blinked, more tears fell.

"I tried so hard to bury it all," he continued, voice tremulous but not as tremulous as I expected. "After I heard the news, I thought it'd be easier if I just didn't let myself _feel_ or think about it. I forced myself to just make it through each day as if nothing had changed." He squeezed his eyes shut. "It didn't work, though. Instead of pain, I just felt empty."

I stared at him helplessly when he began to cry harder.

Taking several deep breaths, he allowed his eyelids to slowly open. "Making amends with my dad, I think it would make this easier, somehow. It wouldn't make the pain…go away but it'd be easier."

Feeling awkward, I placed my hand on his shoulder.

Remus tried to smile. "Will it get easier?"

What a question. Was there really an answer for it? I'd never lost anyone that important to me. If James or Remus died I could only imagine how difficult it would be, how painful. I'd probably never stop missing them. It'd lessen after time, the acute hurt and sadness, but would it really get _easier_? "I don't know."

"Neither do I," he murmured, sniffing a little.

His tears gradually subsided over the next few minutes. Eventually, he leaned forward and placed the flowers he'd purchased over his mum's grave. I hadn't noticed before but they were all different kinds and different colors. His grandmother's were all the same. I didn't know the name of the flower but they were purple.

"Mum loved flowers so much," he commented. "I wasn't sure what her favorite kind was. I'm not even sure she had one."

I remembered Moony's house well. It was small and old – they'd used most of their money trying to find a cure for him – but his mum had brought it to life with her flowers. They'd been in every room. Fresh ones and dried ones, in vases and hanging in arrangements on the walls.

He smiled. "I think I'll miss her flowers." Then he shook his head. "I'm sorry. We've been out for hours. I should have just come alone."

I dismissed his concerns easily. "You know that we can stay as long as you want."

His eyes brightened with gratitude because he knew that I meant it. And I did.

* * *

It took a long time for Remus' breathing to return to normal and for the unsure, frightened look to fade from his wide eyes. Even when it did, his skin remained clammy and his disheveled hair, stuck and matted to his face in wild disarray, told of the terrors he'd witnessed in the world of his dreams.

I stayed with him while he calmed, as was my habit. It'd been a long while since the last time I'd had to wake Remus from a nightmare. They'd grown more infrequent as time passed but were no less horrible when they did strike. It wasn't hard to understand why. I wouldn't want the dreams that being a werewolf would surely bring.

"What did you see?" Normally I didn't ask that question but this time it slipped out before I could stop it.

It took Remus so long to answer that I almost thought he wasn't going to. "Flashes from when I was at the Confinement Center… It was different than the last time I was there. When Evelyn was killed I had the capacity to understand and contemplate the cruelty and injustice of a system that creates a place like the Confinement Center. Knowing that people think I deserve that fate made it more difficult to bear.

"This time, I had no such thoughts in my mind. I was wild and enraged. I hurt myself as often as the guards hurt me. I didn't understand anything, only my thirst for violence." He brushed the damp tangled locks of his hair from his face. "When I dream it's my memories that haunt me. I remember throwing myself at the walls, sometimes trying to reach the guards and sometimes out of a need to feel the pain. When I was at my worst, I used my nails to cut my wrists."

As he spoke, I imagined the things he described. I could see it in my head, his face contorted by primal fury as he ran his body into the walls or energy barrier, crying out in reaction to the painful shock. In my mind he was crouching in a corner, digging his blunt nails into his skin again and again until finally, blood seeped out. I could see the guards too. The same one that had been there when I'd visited Remus, along with a couple others, holding him down and taking turns–

Everything I imagined was because of me. It was all my fault and I finally couldn't stand to hold my tongue any longer. He needed to know. "It's because of me," I admitted raggedly. "It's all because of me. Everything you've suffered, from the attack to the blue moon… I'm to blame."

Remus looked at me as if I'd sprouted horns. "Whatever are you going on about? I know you think highly of yourself but surely you're past the point of believing the world revolves around you and Prongs?"

It was a joke but I didn't smile. He simply didn't understand.

His slight smile faded. An apology in his eyes. He was wishing he had spoken with more care.

Retrieving my wand from the nightstand by my bed, I muttered a Silencing Charm so that if James and Peter happened to actually wake up they wouldn't hear us.

Seeing that I was dead serious and seeming to understand that this was what was bothering me, Remus scooted back on his bed so that there was room for me to settle across from him. Once I was sitting on the mattress, I closed the curtains of his canopy and drew my legs under me. I'd created a floating Lighting Charm – a radiant ball that followed the spell caster – before springing across to Moony's bed to wake him. Now it seemed magnified within the enclosed space. I was struck by how it brought Remus' features into sharp relief, making it all that much easier to read his emotions. Somehow, I wanted his eyes and face to be obscured. I was afraid of what his reaction might be.

I took a deep, steadying breath but refused to meet my friend's gaze. I'd told Remus about the Prank and about having gone to Dumbledore. I could do this as well. And I did. From beginning to end, without pause, I explained everything that my brother had told me the night I'd confronted him. It was made easier by the fact that I said it all while looking at my hands and without stopping. If I'd paused for so much as a second I would have lost the courage to admit what had been plaguing me for what seemed an eternity.

Remus listened to my miserable confession in complete silence. Even when I finished, he sat there without saying so much as a single word. The first few minutes were easy to handle, he needed time to grasp what I was saying, but as they multiplied and dragged on I feared that my apprehension would cause my heart to pound its way free of my chest.

I wanted to give him as much time as he needed to wrap his mind around what I had told him but his lack of a response was nearly painful to endure. I needed to know what he was thinking. "Remus, please say _something_. You don't have to worry about sparing my feelings. Believe me, I don't think it could get much worse for me."

"Sirius–"

"If you blame me, that's fine. You should. I blame me. And if you'd rather that I not have anything more to do with you, I understand. You should feel that way."

"Sirius–"

"I mean, you didn't trust me for the last seven years to have me be the reason so much awful shit happened to you." I was at the point where I wasn't even sure what I was saying, exactly. It just helped to talk, to form the words and focus solely on maintaining the flow of sound. "I just wanted you to know, to hear it from me. And even if you don't think you can ever trust me again, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen."

"Sirius!" I looked up when his hands came to my shoulders and shook me, hard. "You are infuriating. First you ask me to say something and then you babble on so that I can't get in a word edgewise."

Lowering my eyes before they could catch sight of the emotion in his, I nodded glumly. I was simply very nervous. Telling him helped – at least my guilt was no longer secretly born – but I still could not forget that it was all because of me. Everything that had been done to him was because of me.

Remus released me. "I must admit that I'm a bit…shocked. I knew that I was attacked because I'm a werewolf." It wasn't an easy thing for him to say. His voice was strangled by sorrow. "I'd never thought… I mean, I never even _considered _that someone might have done it specifically to ensure I couldn't take the Branimir Potion. Even after all that's happened to me and everything I've seen, I never would have imagined that someone could be that…" he struggled to find the appropriate word to express himself, "…cruel. How can the world contain people that are so…heartless? I try and imagine what others are feeling, to understand where they are coming from, but that's something I simply can't comprehend."

No decent person could.

"Realizing such people exist is…hard. None of what's happened to me recently has been easy but, Sirius, I don't _blame_ you for it. I don't blame you for any of it," he seemed…astounded by the mere thought of doing such a thing. "You and James, and Dumbledore, and Peter, of course, are the reason that I can stand to think of such things. It's easier to see how malicious people can be when I have friends to remind me that there is still kindness in this world as well."

I should have felt ecstatic. I should have felt insanely relieved. Instead, all I felt was confusion. I understood the words and heard the absolute sincerity with which they were spoken but couldn't believe them. Was he daft? Hadn't he heard what I'd told him? My family had done all of this to him because they had known it would hurt _me_. That made it all _my_ fault. Yes, they hated him because he was a werewolf but they wouldn't have gone out of their way to make things this hard for him if it weren't for me. How could he sit there so calmly and say it was all right?

"You can't forgive me," I protested, finally looking into his eyes. "You can't. This isn't something you forgive. You nearly died. And then your…humanity was ripped away from you. I'm not sure which one of those things is worse. Maybe it doesn't matter. In the end they're both horrible. And my family did that to you. It's reprehensible! It's disgusting and they did it on purpose to get to _me_… You can't just forgive me."

"_Sirius_," he whispered, gripping my arm comfortingly. "Your family is…beyond atrocious. But you aren't them. You didn't tell them to do this or ask them to do this. You weren't at your brother's side when his friends and him attacked me. You didn't do anything at all. Certainly nothing to feel sorry for. Forgive you? I don't forgive you because there's nothing to forgive. _You_ didn't hurt me."

His eyes held more worry for me than they did anything else. I couldn't stand to see it anymore than I could grasp what he was so ardently telling me. How could he say those words? How could he believe them? What was wrong with him? "If you'd never met me none of this would have happened to you. How does that not make it my fault?"

"Your family did it _because_ of you but that doesn't mean it's _your_ fault." His voice was just as loud and fervent as it ever was. "You can't help being related to them anymore than you can control their actions. You're not them and you didn't do any of this to me."

I stared at him in silence. I didn't know what else to say. He didn't hold me responsible. And I…I wasn't sure what to think. I hadn't…lost him. I'd been horrified of what his reaction would be. I'd expected him to hate me as much as I hated myself. I'd expected him to turn away from our friendship and strangely…that had offered a small parcel of comfort.

It was contradictory, I knew. First I'd been worried that he would blame me for not being able to attend the funeral and then I'd been worried he'd blame me for _everything_. Thinking that I'd lose him as a friend had been…painful. But at least then I wouldn't be able to ruin things for him again. At least then I wouldn't find some way of doing something worse.

"Sirius, why do you _want_ me to blame you?" he surprised me by the directness of the question and by how well he'd understood the heart of my protestations.

"I…" It was so difficult to explain. It would have made more sense for me to be pleased by his reaction but perhaps I'd always been more concerned about my own guilt and how similar to my family I was than I'd been about Remus holding me responsible. I didn't really _want_ him to blame me, I just thought it'd be better that way. I didn't want to lose him as a friend, I just thought it'd be better that way. I was just like my parents and brother. I could hurt people just as badly as my family could. It'd be safer for Remus, for James, and for everyone else to detach themselves before I could hurt them as well. "I've already seriously hurt you."

"The Prank?" he surmised. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"What's to stop me from doing it again?" I entreated. "If I can do something like that, and my family can do something like this," I gestured towards one of the many new scars he'd acquired due to the attack, "What's to stop me from doing something worse?"

"It was a mistake. People learn from their mistakes." He tightened his hold on my arm and smiled encouragingly. "You have."

"No. I haven't."

He looked incredulous again. "You've changed a lot since then. You don't pull any pranks that'll hurt or seriously humiliate anyone. Not even on Snape, not unless he hexes you first. When James purposefully goes off to torment him, you stay behind. You never used to. You study more now, do all your homework, try to be considerate… How can you say you haven't changed?"

"I nearly killed my brother," I admitted with difficulty, telling Remus what I hadn't even told James.

"What?"

"When I confronted him about what he'd done to you…I-I nearly killed him. I used the Erdrosseln Charm and I _enjoyed_ it. I didn't even _think _about it. I almost _stood there_ and watched him suffocate. It would have been so _easy_ to watch him…"

I couldn't tell whether Remus was taken aback. He absorbed the information without showing any surprise or disgust and took a few moments to collect his thoughts before replying. "But you didn't."

"What?"

"You didn't watch him suffocate," he smiled, eyes accepting and reassuring. "You stopped. You stopped yourself. And now you feel horrible. That alone shows how unlike your family you are. Your brother's proud of what he did to me. You hate yourself for what you almost did to him. You were angry, Sirius and you reacted without thinking. That doesn't mean–"

"I get angry and react without thinking a lot, don't you think?" I demanded, almost despairingly. "It's the reason I told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow. It's the reason I almost attacked Snape and it's the reason I almost attacked you."

"Almost _attacked_ me?" he repeated in disbelief. "You _pushed_ me, you didn't _almost attack_ me. You didn't even hurt me."

"I wasn't even angry with _you_. I was angry with Snape but I vented it on you anyway. Without thinking. What if next time I do something worse? What if next time I don't stop myself and I really do…kill someone. Without thinking."

"You won't," he said simply.

I frowned at how much conviction those two words carried. "How do you know?"

"Because I trust you," he smiled. "If you can trust me not to kill you when I transform, even when we're alone in the Shack and there's no one to help you deal with me, then I can trust you not to ever go that far either. Maybe we can both trust each other in what we're not willing to trust ourselves."

I stared at him, unsure of what to say. When I looked at him I _knew_ he'd never do what he was so afraid of. I knew that Moony would never kill Padfoot no matter how wild or out of control he was. I _knew_. Even if Remus didn't, I did. Did he feel that same conviction regarding me?

"When I look at you, I feel horrible, Sirius," his tone was frank but gentle. "I see how much I hurt you and I feel horrible. And it doesn't matter that you don't blame me. I still feel horrible. Then I remember what I said to you about the Prank and breaking your word and I feel worse. And I know what you'll say about that too. I didn't mean what I said so it doesn't matter, right?"

I nodded.

A sad sort of joy flickered in his eyes. "Look at me and tell me that what I said didn't hurt you," he requested softly.

Shifting uncomfortably, I lowered my gaze. I couldn't say that.

"That's what I thought. And so I feel guilty for that, too. When I think about all of that, Sirius, when I think of all the times I've hurt you or James during one our full moon adventures, I sometimes wish that you'd stop being such a good friend to me. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to lose you then it would be to deal with seriously hurting you. But no matter what I do, you're still there," he smiled brightly.

I was struck by the similarity of our emotions. Was that really how he felt? I never thought… I realized he was constantly worried about harming me while transformed but I never knew the emotion ran so deep. I never knew he was that terrified of what he might do, terrified enough to partially wish I'd stop being his friend because at least then I'd be safe.

"Sometimes it scares me but most of the time…it's brilliant. Well…I'm going to do same thing for you now. I'm going to stick around even though you're afraid of hurting me or someone else you care about because I know you won't do it. _I know_."

So again he could forgive me where I couldn't forgive myself. I… What was I supposed to say to that? He was my friend. After all of this, he was still my friend. It was amazing and I was grateful but…it didn't change the way _I_ felt. It didn't change my own fears or guilt. Of course, I'd never been able to change his either. In the end, we each had to do that on our own.

"I know you feel horrible right now. I can see the guilt in your eyes. I saw it after the Prank as well. I also saw it fade," he finally released my arm and leaned back. "This will fade, too. The guilt that I carry… It doesn't really get easier for me but I've learned to deal with it better and eventually I'll learn to deal with it for everything I've done recently too. Just give it time."

Just give it time. Maybe he was right. It'd been hard for me after the Prank but things had improved. It had taken months but the force of my guilt had softened and I had learned that it wasn't a bad thing to feel sorry for what I'd done and always carry that sorrow with me. This would get easier too. Nothing stayed the same forever. I wouldn't feel this horrible forever. And if this changed me just as the Prank had changed me then maybe I wouldn't turn out like my family. Maybe I wouldn't always be capable of doing horrible things out of anger. If I worked on it, remembered all the reasons why I had to work on it, maybe I could master my tendency to act without thinking.

_Maybe_. It wasn't a guarantee but it was something.

Remus smiled. "We'll be okay. In time. You'll see."


	11. Epilogue

Nina – Yay! for your being happy with the story! Thank you for all of your reviews! =D

Vee-sama – Sadly, this was one of the last fics I wrote and the two I have left to post don't have much of anything to do with Sirius' family (one just has him remembering his childhood). Thanks for reading my story, I'm very happy that you've liked it.

Zak's-blood13 – lol! One of my problems writing male characters is that they often don't seem very masculine. But, no, there shall be no making out. Hope you like the epilogue anyway. ;) I'm glad you like the story. :)

Eemillee 2 – Thank you! I'm very fond of the chapter myself. I love writing Remus and Sirius.

Well…here it is. The end of my story. In a week or so I will post the first of my last two HP stories ("Still Here"). Both of them are much shorter than this one though the second ("I Know") is, I believe, 20-30 pages. I hope you will all will read them.

**~Epilogue~**

This time when I entered the dormitory and found Remus standing at the window, staring into the distance, I didn't have to ask what he was doing or what he was searching for. I already knew. He was watching the horizon. There was one thing that caught my eye, though. His hands hung motionless at his sides. One of them held a piece of parchment, a letter.

"Your brother didn't tell you everything," Remus began and there was an unusual quality to his voice. He seemed…braced, as if he'd seen the upcoming storm at its worst and was ready for it.

"What do you mean?" I closed the door behind me, hoping that neither James nor Peter chose the next few minutes to return to our shared dormitory.

"It wasn't just a personal vendetta against you," he continued but didn't turn around. "What your family did was part of a coordinated assault against werewolves all across the Wizarding world."

"What are you saying? You don't mean that there were attacks perpetrated against several werewolves, all carried out with the intent of preventing them from taking that potion?" How could that be? What purpose would that serve? Especially since it hadn't been broadcast and wasn't being used to generate more anti-werewolf hate and fear.

"Almost eighty percent of all registered werewolves suffered such attacks. Most of them ended up in the Confinement Center, a fact I might have noticed if I'd been slightly more aware of my surroundings and situation. Fortunately, Ian has access to all sorts of information that the general public isn't made aware of.

"Another little known fact is that the Ministry recently passed several new laws," he went on without giving me a chance to consider a response.

This time, however, I interrupted him. "No. I did hear about that. They passed a series of laws relating to werewolves. It was before…I told Dumbledore about the true nature of your condition."

"Allow me to rephrase. Few people know the nature of those laws." When I didn't comment, he went on. "One of them requires that all werewolves, in the lunar cycle prior to a blue moon, take a potion that renders them…physically incapable of doing any harm. In other words, it makes us practically unable to _move_."

"What!? How can that be a little known fact? The Ministry can't just pass a law like that and not let the–"

"Of course they can," Remus cut in calmly. "Since most people don't know about the blue moons, explaining this new law would be rather complicated so the Minister and other Ministry officials are keeping it quiet. If Michael Cable was still alive maybe things would be different but… All registered werewolves have been informed but I'm betting that not many other people know."

I had a feeling that I was missing something important here, some key factor that made this significant to people who weren't werewolves, even the ones that didn't sympathize with them.

"What am I not seeing?" I asked.

"More than you'd like." He sighed heavily, suddenly seeming extremely tired. "Voldemort… First all we had were disappearances, the occasional deaths, and people who'd show up stripped of their sanity. Then we heard the rumors about dark wizards converging and gaining power across the Wizarding world. And always, behind it all, there were whispers of a name. Voldemort. Now…

"He's the one that all the other dark wizards are rallying behind. People fear that his spies are everywhere and are terrified of even speaking his name. No one knows who to trust anymore and the Ministry doesn't seem to be doing anything. We don't know exactly what Voldemort's plans are but we do know one thing. He wants power. And he's getting it. He's turned many of the pureblood families to his cause, along with who knows how many others. Now he seems to be searching elsewhere. There have been rumors of him approaching the giants. I think that he's trying to gain the support of werewolves."

I was obviously still missing something. "Why do you think so?"

"Let's assume that your family is working for Voldemort." It wasn't a hard assumption to make. Especially when I considered some of the comments my mother had made about how 'Mudbloods' and their sympathizers would soon be taken care of. I by no means believed that they were Death Eaters but was not foolish enough to think they did not support the 'Dark Lord'.

"If they orchestrated the attack against me because he asked them to – with the very special added bonus of hurting you – then the other attacks were probably conducted by Voldemort's people as well.

"These attacks resulted in several hundred werewolves – there are more of us than people would like to admit – being unable to take the Branimir Potion. What did the Ministry quietly do in response?" It was a rhetorical question. "Lock every one of us away. Shortly afterward, the Minister – no doubt somehow influenced by Voldemort – passed a law that renders us all physically harmless for the month before each blue moon."

"I'm sorry, Remus, I still don't see it," I admitted, wondering if he was making conspiracies where none existed or if I was just too thick to grasp the significance of all this. "How does this rally the werewolves to Voldemort's cause, whatever that might be? I mean, if pureblood families and Voldemort supporters carried out all the attacks, why would the werewolves join them?"

"Because they don't know _who_ attacked them. I'm the only werewolf who does, thanks to you and your brother. Don't you see what Voldemort can do now? He can send out operatives to all werewolves and tell us that we shouldn't support the Ministry of Magic. After all, what has the Ministry ever done for us?

"Instead of helping us when we were attacked, they threw us in the Confinement Center. Instead of understanding, they've created this new potion that's totally unnecessary if we can take the Branimir Potion. Why should we support people who constantly pass legislation against us and make it so difficult for us to find work and support ourselves?"

"But pureblood families like mine hate werewolves more than anyone else does. Why would they want to work with them?" My parents and brother would consider something like that beneath them.

"It's just a means to an end." Remus had clearly thought this through quite well. "As soon as Voldemort gets what he wants – control over the Wizarding world – he'll throw us all in Azkaban or just have us killed. It's like what's going on with the Minister. If Voldemort influenced him into passing this law then the Minister either supports him or has been intimidated into doing his bidding. Whatever the case, I don't think that Voldemort is going to let him live. He'll get whatever use he can out of him and then dispose of him because if he wants power he'll certainly want the Minister's."

Well… It was definitely possible but it involved _a lot_ of conjecture. "Can you prove any of this at all?"

"No," he admitted. "All I know for certain, through Ian, is that there have been several inquiries made about the werewolves that were put in the Confinement Center due to the blue moon. My uncle found this unusual. When he investigated the matter – claiming that he might have discovered a similar condition in Africa and that he needed werewolves to study – he found that these inquiries have been made by pureblood families who are suspected supporters of Voldemort. What's even more unsettling is that these inquiries have led to the release of several of these werewolves."

Remus didn't have to tell me the significance of that. There was no way that pureblood families that supported Voldemort – families that shared my parents' beliefs – would actually work in favor of releasing werewolves without some ulterior motive. In addition, the Confinement Center was the sort of place that didn't like giving up its prizes. Once the Ministry got a werewolf in there, whatever the reason, it'd do everything within its power to keep him there. Remus was lucky Dumbledore was on his side.

"It also seems that no one knows these werewolves are being released. It's not being reported through the official channels and, as of yesterday, only guards with top level security clearance are allowed access to the Confinement Center. Unfortunately, also as of yesterday, my uncle's inquiries are being quietly ignored. He's run into a brick wall. They're not giving him anymore information about the Center or about werewolf policy.

"All of a sudden, people don't want questions being asked about either one. Why?" He paused. "The only reason I can think of is that Voldemort has more power over the Ministry than we'd like to believe and that he's using that power to ensure that the general public doesn't know about these werewolves that have been released. It gives them a certain anonymity and freedom of action."

Remus paused but not long enough for me to say anything. "Don't you see, Sirius? That's why Michael Cable was killed and why, almost immediately thereafter, a string of legislation regarding werewolves was passed. Voldemort has just gained who knows how many supporters because werewolves are _tired_ of being treated like _animals_. The fact that he also eliminated the _one_ member of the Ministry who was the most vocal about openly resisting him is merely…a bonus."

All of that did give me cause to wonder but it still wasn't proof. We still had a very well-thought out theory, stringing together a lot of different circumstantial evidence, but there was no reason to believe it was true. Until–

Wait. What was it that Remus had said? That Voldemort had more power over the Ministry than we'd like to believe? Dumbledore had said something very similar to me after our meeting with the Minister. I hadn't thought about it then but why would he have even mentioned Voldemort if it didn't have something to do with the Minister's decision?

Come to think of it, Dumbledore had been extraordinarily receptive regarding the possibility of my brother being involved in the attack on Remus, especially considering my monumental lack of evidence. What if he'd believed me so easily because he was aware of the multiple attacks against werewolves and knew that pureblood families that supported Voldemort were involved?

Merlin, I was dense! Dumbledore _did_ know about the attacks! He and McGonagall had been discussing it in the conversation that I'd overheard! I hadn't considered it then, but they had mentioned something about Voldemort and a series of attacks. What was it, exactly, that I had heard?

"_People hate… Unusual for…so many attacks?"_

McGonagall must have been commenting on how strange it was for there to have been so many attacks on werewolves, even considering how hated they were. And Dumbledore had responded that Voldemort was trying to gain more supporters! That fit with _everything_ that Remus had just told me. Oh God. It did fit with everything he'd just told me.

Even though thinking about it all and trying to fit all the pieces together in my head gave me a headache, I had the sinking feeling that Remus' theory was true. It wasn't all that difficult to believe anymore. It was the sort of thing that my family would get involved in and it seemed like something Voldemort was more than capable of doing. I had no real evidence but I couldn't just dismiss this out of hand, no matter how much I wanted to.

Again, I found myself asking a question I'd recently frequently pondered. Was this the storm? Was this what I was worried about? Was this what the foreboding was warning me about? It involved Voldemort, it involved one of my friends, it had, in fact, seriously _hurt_ one of my friends. That was what was fearing, wasn't it? That somehow, what was occurring in the Wizarding world was going to come toppling down on my friends and I?

Yes. Yes it was. And I was _still_ worried about it, still feeling that unsettling warning sensation in my gut. This hadn't affected all of my friends, after all. Only Remus. And what I was worried about was worse. What I was worried about was going to tear us all apart. The Marauders. How much longer would we be the Marauders? What was going to happen that'd break us?

"It's unsettling, isn't it?" I wondered out loud. "To think that after everything that's happened, the storm is still coming?"

This new information, this new theory, left me not knowing what to think. If it was true, as true as I felt it was, then my family hadn't done it all just because of me. They'd done it because of Voldemort and the fact that they'd hurt me and Remus along the way was just…icing on the cake, as Muggles were fond of saying. It eased some of the guilt – at least I couldn't blame it all on myself anymore – but it meant my family was capable of atrocities greater than I'd realized. And if they were willing to do that – if Voldemort's followers were willing to do all this – what else were they willing to do? How bad would things get?

This tempest…how hard would it hit?

"I'm just trying to see it so that when it comes we have a chance to hold onto something," Remus' response brought me back to the image of him standing in front of the window, watching the horizon.

"You're not searching for the Banshee Vipers anymore, are you?"

"No. They're already here. They've been here for a long time," he said what I knew to be true. These warnings I was searching for…they were here all along. The calm was almost over; it'd been dwindling since the very first person disappeared. I just didn't realize until now that the Banshee Vipers had been screaming at us since before then. No one had.

"Do you still want me to warn you when I see the first clouds?" Remus asked.

The word 'yes' was on my lips but I stopped myself from saying it. What were we doing? What was _I_ doing? Why was I letting this foreboding dread overwhelm me? Why couldn't I shake it from my mind?

I found myself studying Remus' unmoving form. I was so concerned about him because he was my friend. My friends were all I had. They were all that mattered to me. I didn't have my family or anyone else. I just had James, Remus, Peter, and now Lily. The thought that something was going to change that, that somehow I'd lose them in a horrible way, was what frightened me the most. We were like family and I couldn't stand to see that end. It didn't have to end, though. _Because_ we were like family, because there were ties we couldn't sever, we could find away to beat this storm. Together.

I was acting as if disaster was inevitable once the storm hit. It wasn't. Perhaps we couldn't stop it from hitting, perhaps we couldn't stop Voldemort easily or even without a war, but we _could_ stop him. And this…shattering of the Marauders that I was worried about, it didn't have to happen. If I felt the warnings then why couldn't I stop it? Maybe I wasn't feeling this way because I couldn't keep myself from thinking of all the horrible things that had happened recently. Maybe it was simply a chance. A chance to make sure the worst of the storm never struck.

I loved James, Remus, Peter, and Lily. James was my best mate. I'd die for him and he'd die for me. Remus…well, the conversation we'd had last night made things pretty clear. As the wolf, Moony had hurt me several times. He'd almost killed me once. As a person losing his grip on reality, he'd seriously injured me – could have easily killed me – once. Despite all of that, I trusted him and would do anything for him.

My family – regardless of their exact motivations – was essentially responsible for all of the agony he'd been put through. It was something he could easily blame me for – as easily as I blamed myself – but he didn't. I'd hurt him with the Prank but he'd forgiven me. Under the right circumstances I could be a very violent person – as violent as he'd been because of the blue moon – but he trusted me not to go too far.

If we could do all that, if we were that important to each other, obviously our friendship was strong and unique. As strong and unique as my friendship with Prongs even if it was different, because all friendships were different. James' and Remus' friendship was different, too. It wasn't as strong as the one James and I shared or the one Remus and I shared, but it was strong in its own right. They loved each other too. We all did.

The Marauders were bound together in ways I couldn't describe. We'd been through a lot. We'd done a lot for each other. We'd do whatever was required for each other. How could that end? How could we allow that to end? We couldn't. I wouldn't let us throw that away. What Remus and I had shared last night, I wasn't just going to let that fall apart. What James and I had shared when he'd told me he'd always have my back, I wasn't going to let that fall apart. So no matter what happened, no matter what Voldemort threw at us, no matter what the storm brought, we'd make it through. It wouldn't break us because what we had was important enough to fight for.

We were the Marauders. We were brothers.

"Sirius?" Remus turned around to look at me. He was wondering why I hadn't answered.

I smiled. "Come away from the window, Remus. Stop watching the horizon. Stop watching for the storm."

He frowned and sighed at the same time. "I'm not sure I can. I can't seem to stop thinking about it, Sirius. I can't stop worrying about what's yet to come."

"I know," I assured him, gesturing for him to leave his vigilant post. "Maybe I can help with that, if you'll let me."

He studied me, obviously not understanding my change of mood. Eventually, he nodded. Even though he still didn't understand, he did as I asked and came to stand before me, pausing only to put down the letter he'd held throughout our conversation. "What is it, Sirius?"

"The storm is coming. Watching for it and worrying about it isn't going to stop it or change how fast it gets here. And you know what?" I asked rhetorically, still smiling. "We'll make it through. The Marauders will weather this."

"How do you know?" His gaze didn't waver, didn't fall from my own. I knew he was searching my eyes for the source of the certainty I'd found.

I gripped his shoulder. "Because we're friends and we'll always look out for each other."

Remus shook his head but a smile was struggling to find its way onto his face. He obviously didn't see why my outlook had shifted but the brightness in his emerald eyes told me that maybe he didn't have to. Somehow, my own optimism heartened him. He was my friend, after all, and he trusted me.

"You know," he whispered, "You say it with such conviction that I almost believe you."

In circumstances like these, almost was as much as I could hope for. In circumstances like these, almost was enough.

THE END

Thanks to everyone for reading!!!!

Author's Note:

Osane means "cure, remedy" in Basque.

Branimir means "peaceful protection" from the Slavic element _bron_ "protection" combined with _mir_ "peace". (Usage: Croatian, Bulgarian)

Erdrosseln means "strangle" in German.


End file.
